b3ta.com user I_Live_In_Antarctica
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My name is Matt...I live far away and have a job that involves fighting things... things that may be burning... you can figure out the rest.

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» Desperate Times

Rushing home from work...
Way back when I used to do some support work with the local police force..prior to living at the bottom of the earth. One bitterly cold winter evening while riding along on street patrol we saw the number 98 flash on the screen of our nice new radar gun. Next thing I know I have been thrown around the car as the PO does a hasty U-turn, and all nice white snow is flashing red and blue.

Eventually we catch up to the little blue salt encrusted car and it pulls over. Upon seeing the driver it is a middle aged lady looking very concerned and yelling about having to get home. After taking her information and informing her shes going to get a ticket (That was some community oriented policing for you), the officer calmed her down, and we headed back to write the citation.

After about five minutes of running her through to computer to make sure she isn't a paedophile or axe murderer, we approached the car again with the freshly written ticket only to notice all the windows had fogged up. After a knock on the window it comes down and we see a very relieved and embarassed looking middle aged lady...

then we were hit with the stentch of urine.

She was rushing home to use the toilet, and in the desperation of us stopping her she just went in her seat.

The officer destroyed the ticket after deciding that had been enough punishment.

It was cold out and im nervous about my first post...so imagine a golf pencil made of raisins.
(Mon 19th Nov 2007, 0:17, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Another story from the pigs....er..Law Enforcement Officers.
This was with another officer...not officer urine from the last story...

It was about 5:30pm and we were parked along the side of a busy congested roadway. As the cars drove by at about 20 MPH we were entering every plate we had enough time to read into the computer to look for suspended licenses, warrants, and the like. This was because traffic was so heavy we couldn't easily get around on a street patrol, and it was too slow to be looking for speeders...so here we were.

I should mention that the cars were going by fast enough we barely had time to look at the plates, let alone the driver of the car.

Beep beep bepp (more annoying noises) and we have a winner...suspended license a few cars up...of we go slowly through the traffic we pull the mid 1980s buick to the side of the road, and approach the vehicle.

The driver happens by the chances of the universe to have his family's roots somewhere in Africa, yay for him, and no more is thought about it.

So the officer goes through his normal procedure, out of the car, blah, blah, blah. The man is very cooperative and has a clean record besides the failed emissions test that got his license suspended (environmentalists...a whole nother QOTW there..)

So, with all this in mind the decision is reached that there is no need to take him into lock up and all that. The paperwork can be done on the street, and he can sign a signature bond, and be on his way. He says he can call his sister for a ride home since we do have to tow his car. Everyones at least moderatley happy...well...content.

As he sits in his handcuffs in the back of the squad car (a requirement) we proceed to do an inventory search of his car. This is to list all items in the car, so when he gets it back from impound he can't say anything was stolen. So, we open the trunk and find a old battered axe handle...with no sign of it being intended for use as an axe. This is what we call a "Class B Weapon" and it gets confiscated to be destroyed... no extra charges to the man.

Had he had a brand new axe handle that he reasonably could have bought for use as an axe handle, this would have been okay. When questioned it went like this..

"Why do you have this old axe handle"

"Because sometimes people need an axe handle when they get aggrivated"

So, thats the end of Mr Axe handle, and it gets put in the trunk of the squad car...

We take our arrestee to the hotel down the street to meet his sister and we release him with his court date in hand. Then he asks us to give him his axe handle back... to which he is told he can't because its a weapon...then it begins

"You are only keeping that, and only pulled me over because im black!"

Kindly the officer informs the man that we couldnt see who was driving until we had pulled him over... oh, and he could have spent the night in jail, but since he was being cooperative we saved him that hassle.

It continued "Ya'all are a bunch of racists, in gonna get you both fired"

Such a scene was caused that a African family walking past stopped to watch. The officer asked them if they were being disturbed, to which they replied in almost creepy unison "Yes".

And that is how a black man who was out to be a victim of racism was put in prison on disorderly conduct charges by members of his own race who were sick of PC bullshit.

Yeah its long, made of wood, and kind of splintery...mind the tip.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 20:04, More)

» Evil Pranks

My return to the ice
This season when I got back down here to the Ice, I headed up to my room, with one of my good friends who had been here through the winter, and was right next to my old room.

His room had been one of the bigger party rooms the previous season, and also housed the Library for the floor. This of course being the pr0n library. Random people would drop by on their way to the toilet to choose a selection from three very large drawers with everything from playboy to midgets (little people?.

Back to my return, room mate is off at work, and I open the door to a pitch black room... as I feel for the light switches i feel paper on the walls and assume he added some new posters over the winter...see where this is going?

I find the switches and turn them on...and there was pr0n.... everywhere. Every square inch of walls, ceiling, on and all around all the furniture, liquor bottles, the phone...even the inside of the microwave. So after a cursury glance of all the men and women..and occasional animal... who were obviously deeply in love with each other I litterally fell to the ground laughing...making a nice thud as my bags hit the floor in the hall.

Soon other winter-overs appeared...and once I calmed down they asked what I thought

"Well i should be kind of mad... but really...im just impressed"

It had taken an average of 9 people six hours to complete, and still only used about 1/8th of the library.

It took me and said room mate about of 5 minutes to tear it all down several days later when HR said "it would be in our best employment interest to remove".

Length? Combined...from pole to pole.
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 23:16, More)

» Desperate Times

So here I am...
approximatley 12,000 miles from home, here at the bottom of the earth. One of the most common questions I get from people is

"What do you do with your worldly possessions while you are down there?"

Well, some people get a storage unit, and some just leave them in their house and keep paying ungodly rent on it because they are idiots.

I present to B3ta myself..an idiot.

My room mate is..was..one of my closest friends, someone I knew I could trust to watch over all my stuff and pay the rent.

My landlord is my cousin who happens to live 5 houses down the same street. Who has also told me he is on the cusp of taking legal action against said friend for not paying his rent.

This friend has not returned any of my calls or given me at the least an e-mail. No one has actually seen him around and those who have seen a trace of him think he is living at his parents and hasn't been to our house in months. What does this mean for me?

My house is an older one but in decent shape...it was built in the 1960s, and we had to sign a legal agreement stating that there may be lead paint in the house, and should we decide to eat it we can hold no one responsible but outselves...I wish I could make that up on my own...but its true. So, old house, not perfectly weather proof, no one living there, semi-slob like room mate whos never around. The house was clean when i left but now, I desperatley wonder are those possestions still mine, or do they belong to whatever other living entities have moved into this presumably neglected home?

Ive asked my cousin/landlord for any insight he has, and as of this moment I await a response.

Sorry for the length...but 12,000 miles has to impress someone.
(Tue 20th Nov 2007, 20:21, More)

» Pathological Liars

Ahh...Mike the Marine
Back in my younger days we would go to the local Denny's and sit around smoking cigs, drinking coffee and talking about whatever may come up. Then we met Mike (as that was his etc., etc.) he was a large man, probably about 6'4" and at least 350 pounds.

He claimed he had been a US Marine Corps Special forces operative, and had an ID to prove it. (Later turned out he went to USMC boot camp and washed out within a week, but he did get the ID). He loved to tell us stories from his "mission" which while all fabricated, were pretty entertaining, as he was an excellent story teller...here are a couple of high lights.

While on a training mission, their Master Chief had been harassing them especially hard, and they wanted to get him back. So, Mike called up a friend in Hollywood, and called in a favor to get one of the remote control Velocoraptors from Jurassic Park...which he then used to torment his master chief all through the woods.

While on assignment in Russia, they snuck into the Moscow Zoo one night, and persuaded an ape to come with them. As, their commanding officer had a dislike for the Russian military and referred to them as "apes", they dressed this ape in a Russian Officers uniform (they had lying around...) and it went to sleep next to the CO, which of course led to hilarity. Afterwords as a thank you they brought the ape to Moscow, and sat on a bench eating chocolate bars with it, before bringing it back to the zoo... where it was charged admission to get back in....right.

One more involves him at a teenager, where he blew up some cop cars in a police parking lot with a home made bomb. SInce they were cars that had been taken out of service, the Police Chief saw the humor in it, and dropped all charges, instead taking him to the beach with his family for the 4th of July, to blow off all the confiscated fire works from the county.

So that was Mike, there are more stories, but I wont get into them here...they were all wonderfully told with lots of descriptive hand gestures.

Length...like a gorilla.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 19:40, More)
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