b3ta.com user twattybanjo
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Recent front page messages:

(Sun 23rd Oct 2011, 0:38, More)

Do you think The Enterprise did christmas cards?

(Wed 15th Dec 2010, 17:30, More)

Mitchell's cradle.

(Fri 12th Feb 2010, 18:20, More)

Rational mantis

(Mon 11th Jan 2010, 21:24, More)

How to get a new tortoise.

(Sat 9th Jan 2010, 18:43, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Schadenfreude

I helplessly watched as two blind men wielding white canes
walked smack bang into each other, both ending up on their arse. They simultaneously blustered, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BLIND??!!"
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 14:26, More)

» Caught!

Working as a labourer in my teens
I was given the task of making spotless the top floor, the first finished, of a posh office development in The City for inspection by the top brass of the developers and owners.

I did all the heavy lifting then got to hoovering. The hoover was a sort of industrial Henry vacuum cleaner and the floorspace massive.

My task nearly complete in plenty of time I started arsing about, walking like C3PO and dragging my R2 like hoover after me while going, "Master Luke! Master Luke! BRRR BRRT PHWEEE trrrr BWEEE OOOON THRIP!".

Turned round to see all the big nobs staring at me in disbelief.
(Tue 8th Jun 2010, 10:52, More)

» Good Advice

Fuck the housework and take the kids on a picnic.
You've never heard anyone say, "I had a brilliant childhood, the bathroom was always spotless...".
(Fri 21st May 2010, 4:17, More)

» Flirting

Very pissed at a party.
I approached an absolutely beautiful girl with not a thought in my head and said, "shall we have a bath?".

She said OK and so we did. Luckily there was another bog downstairs for all the people banging on the door.
(Thu 18th Feb 2010, 22:42, More)

» Caught!

A friend of mine works in IT security for a major financial house.
At the time of this story she was in a fairly lowly position but destined for higher things.

The financial house was having to upgrade some software on a remote site. A difficult job with many potential security implications and there had been many briefings on the problem but my friend, being quite junior then didn't anticipate being too involved.

With an engineer on a remote site ready to do the upgrade a conference call was placed from there to the security centre. My friend's boss swept through the office with many bigwigs in tow, very important people who'd flown from all over the world just for this moment. The boss pointed to her and the most junior office junior and indicated they were to follow him to his office many many floors above. She'd never been to his office before. The office junior was shitting himself. They got in the lift with the men in expensive suits and ascended.

The conference call began with the remote engineer saying, "I've done what I can but haven't got permissions to go any further. I need a username and password from someone in security."

Head honcho turns to office junior and says, "Give him your username and password.".

Obviously, this is why he'd been brought along.

Office junior pulls himself to his full height and replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that, it breaks all the protocols."

Head honcho smiles benevolently, "Well done son, that's the right answer but I wrote those protocols. These are exceptional circumstances and we need your username and password. Give him your username and password and when we're finished you can go back downstairs and change them."

Remote Engineer: Right. Username?
Office Junior: J.O.H.N.S.O.N.M.J
[tap tap tap of remote engineer entering username]

RE: Password?
OJ: [sweating profusely] Erm.....A.N.A.L.R.A.P.E
[tap tap tap........]
RE: Fuckin' 'ell! Anal rape????
[exeunt OJ]
(Tue 8th Jun 2010, 12:49, More)
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