» Public Transport Trauma

Not the worst, but probably the funniest.
I was on a train, late at night, going home after a reasonably booze filled evening. I was sitting on my own up the back of a carriage, this bloke comes in, obviously returning from an equally boozey evening. He grins broadly at me and says:
"Oi Che, howzit goin mate"
And shakes my hand, before stumbling off telling his mates he just met Che Guvera.
A little bit of a description may be needed here. I have long wavy black hair and a scraggy full beard and I wear a beret like hat. That was all good and well, but then, just as my long journey drew to a close this other pissed yobbo (Aussie version of a Chav) and his mates gets on. This fella is a little unhappy:
"AAAAh fucking bastards. I'm not fucking pissed, I've got money they should fucking give me what I'm paying for"
So he's been booted out of the pub.
"Fucking Panthers!"
His footy team lost...
"Fucking touchies that was fucking forward"
...and he's blaming the ref.
"Fucking Centerlink. fucking government"
His dole money had been cut or he had to look for a job.
Then he looks at me, only standing cause of the fat bird he was leaning on. First one eye focuses on me and then the other. He recognises me and points:
"And this guy is fucking Jesus! Fucking caused every fucking war on this fucking planet. Fucking millions of fucking people died."
This one obviously ticked off his bird who shoved him into a seat and said:
"Yeah sorry about him, he's heaps drunk"
How could I not say 'You're forgiven my son'?

Length: Mine was the next stop.
(Fri 30th May 2008, 8:47, More)

» Pubs

Landsdowne Hotel, just opposite Sydney Uni:
I was playing pool with a couple of mates, when this drunk, possibly high, chick comes over (we didn't know her) and grabbed the cue ball and threw it at me.

She missed.

I told her to fuck off.

Her friend told me not to be rude, so I told her to fuck off as well.

That was an exciting read wasn't it?
(Sat 7th Feb 2009, 6:03, More)