b3ta.com user Neomancer
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Located somewhere in scotland

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» Blood

(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 12:54, More)

» Kids

my neice, a few years ago was attending toddlers group.

quite a few people were amused by her refering to it as "tossers"

(Sat 19th Apr 2008, 15:51, More)

» Evil Pranks

Roadtrip of love
I shall set the scene,

T's girlfriend was being chatted up by an acquaintance who we shall call "G" , who was/probably still is a virgin... he basically asked the girlfriend for sex advice, which then progressed into him asking her for sex to which she made a multitude of excuses to avoid including the fact she had a boyfriend! he then progressed to asking T for permission to get it on with her, he of course said no, and was far from amused

T then started planning revenge with my friend 'X'

The plan:

A google image supermodel would find G through msn randomly, and become rather interested, and convince him to come loose his virginity with her, and thus Viki was born.

Fast forward around 2 weeks later

I get a msn conversation fully advising me of this entire situation, and also that G has traveled for around 2 hours or so from near Birmingham all the way down to reading, where T was at uni, and was currently stuck in horrific traffic on the M25 to go see the amazing viki.

T waits until G has pulled into the street he lived on, before sending a frantic text of "G you cant come, my parents have come back early from holiday"

G then mortified, loiters around the area for a little time including knocking on a random door of a house.. obviously desperate to see his lover.

sadly rejected. he returns to his car and instead of traveling back home, and explaining to his parents his weekend at a mates has been cancelled, he then decided to travel from London, down to a city in Exeter, to try it on with a girl called R whom he knew because i was with her for a little while, and still was at the time.

note: he had also asked her for sex advice.. not a wise idea, he was told "when the alien pops out, punch it in the face" - God help any girl he gets it on with...........

Back to the story.

He turns up a good few hours later.. and is basically sniffing around her, she is of course entirely wise to the current situation and basically humors him for the entire time of the weekend, before getting him to drive her all the way to reading to visit a mate..

G is still completely clueless to this windup, I've not worked out how best to release this gem of a story into the social circle as of yet... any ideas?

Length, about 450 Miles, duration, at least 10 hours!

First post!
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 17:22, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

disturbing bleeding from bad places
I'm not exactly sure on the history of that week, i think i was really busy or something.. and kept putting off going for a crap

anyway.. As per usual I've been eating tons.. and I'm concerned about the impending doom...

curl out a tiny turd... hmm thats not that bad.. then the rest shifted and i had to use all my strength to stop it.. because at the same time.. i had the stupidest amount of pain EVER.

3 days later.. I've still been putting it off, and decided that this has to go. D-day comes, i lost all control of my legs, and sight and everything went numb as it came out, wiped, and got VERY upset seeing a small amount of blood.. i was convinced i had somehow split my chocolate starfish.

it was okay after a few days... and a panicked call to NHS direct
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 0:31, More)

» Karma

Nissan 750z's and alarms
I've been onsite today installing stuff with 2 other work colleagues.. while also getting the piss ripped out of my as yesterday i may have accidentally scraped a Nissan 750z that was parked illegally across a road junction while the twunt was on the phone.. (probably £500 excess coming out of my pay as he was stationary :( )

anyway i digress, I've been having the piss ripped out of me by all and sundry for my minor incident, when we dropped a ladder back to the shop before heading home.. one of the aforementioned piss rippers smacks a ladder directly into the tamper proof alarm box, and then sets the whole intruder alarm malarkey off.

woo blame for latest stupidity incident gets shifted off me.

now i just need to arrange karma for Mr Nissan being smug and telling me to open my eyes next time I'm struggling around a car parked illegally across a junction, but im pretty sure im screwed due to the fact he was stationary, and i was trying to drive around him

for anyone wanting a giggle at my expense, i had to get the van from the road its parked in, parallel to where his car is, note 1 way street + bollards the other side of the road + road marking showing he was over the junction




(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 1:53, More)
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