» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

More wrinkles than Yodas bawbag.....
In my younger days I was targeted by a woman in her late forties/early fifties in the pub and dragged back to her place with the promise of more booze.

After a couple more drinks she put on a porno and wanted to watch it while I took her from behind. That sounded all right to me so that's exactly what we did.

As we were getting it on I became aware that we weren't alone so I turned round and locked eyes with an old bloke standing in the doorway in his pyjamas watching me giving it to his wife.

I pull out and say 'erm......'

She turns round sees her husband standing there and shouts 'Hey what have I fucking told you, get the fuck back up the stairs till I'm finished'.

Off he goes, like a chastised puppy while she's kneeling there, arse in the air ranting about what a useless, spineless bastard he is and I'm left wondering how quickly I can get out of there and if this is the night he's going to finally snap.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 17:15, More)

» Stuff I've found

Cat stash
Last night I was looking for a dice that my daughter had lost I thought i'd look under the fridge as there's a half inch gap and it could have rolled under there.

So I got a torch and pressed my head to the floor for a look and found....

My wife's engagement ring which she lost 6 months ago.
About 30 hairbands which we blamed our daughter for losing at school,
Nail clippers,
A dice,
Various coins,
Earplugs,
2 teaspoons
and a couple of items which we don't even know what they are or what they're for.

The cat who I have fed and fussed over for the past year has been stealing from me and stashing his goodies under the fridge, no doubt so he can sell them to fund a secret catnip problem.

This is why he goes missing for days at a time.
(Mon 10th Nov 2008, 12:48, More)

» Stalked

About 15 years ago....
I recieved a valentines card from a girl that I had apparently met on Hogmaney but couldn't remember. This in itself should have sent warning signs flashing but nonetheless i was young, naive and desperately in need of the fairer sex's company so after asking my brother about her (he was friends with the girls brother)I agreed to meet up for a date.

Upon meeting this young maiden I realised that she wasn't my type not that there was anything wrong with her just that I didn't find her attractive or had anything in common with her but being the gutless creature that I am I agreed to meet up with her again.....

Two months later as we're on a "date" I thought enoughs enough she's never going to dump me so I finally managed to work my self up to it after having a few drinks and shouting to myself in a De Niro syle in the pub toilet mirror.

Phew...I thought but then the letters started to arrive. Every day.

One day she would be saying "I love you" the next "I hope you die of AIDS" the next "you better watch you're back i'm going to kill you" etc..

Also the car outside my house that would speed away as soon as I stepped out the door and the horrible feeling that as i walked home from the pub down the country lanes in the pitch black that any moment was going to be my last.

Eventually the letters stopped after she was sectioned to the psychiatric hospital after attempting to murder her mum in the local high street.

When i questioned my brother about this he just grinned at me and said "Yeah, she's been in and out of "Insert local hospital" since she was a kid"

Ten years on and I feel a hand grab my arse and as I turn round to see her smiling at me and saying "you haven't changed a bit".

First time I'd downed a pint since I was in my teens.

Sorry for length. Back to lurking.
(Fri 1st Feb 2008, 12:46, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

Sleep paralysis
I've only ever had this happen to me once and it was the second most frightening thing that i've ever experienced.

Woke up, couldn't move but was fully aware of where i was.

I heard the front door open and could hear something shuffling up the stairs and although i didn't know what it was i was positive that it was pure evil and wanted to do me harm. It then opened my bedroom door and i could tell it was just above my face as i could smell it but fortunately i couldn't open my eyes.

Then nothing, all the fear was gone in the blink of an eye and everything was normal as if it hadn't happened.

The next day i went down and asked my mum and dad if they'd heard anything but of course they hadn't as it was merely the product of my fucked up imagination.

I'm glad i don't remember much from dreams if this was a typical example.
(Thu 3rd Jul 2008, 12:37, More)

» My most gullible moment

Apprentice
When you're doing an Apprenticeship in Engineering you usually get all the usual long stand, left handed screwdriver, skyhooks and bubble for a spirit level type of wind ups but due to a cynical disposition I never believed any of it except long stand when I just went home for a couple of hours.

There was one welding apprentice who was told that they needed a bucket of sparks for testing so he spend all day with an angle grinder on this large piece of metal trying to direct the sparks into a bucket he had strategically placed on the floor.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 10:17, More)