b3ta.com user magic the cat
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» Lies that went on too long

The ending
to Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer"

Not just one lie, but a calculated series of them.

Utter bastards.
(Fri 9th Mar 2012, 15:29, More)

» Stalked

The plus side
Thus far we seem to be concentrating on the negative side of the whole stalking thing.

It does have its upside.

You can get your stalker to do all sorts of boring daily tasks that you may not want to do.

I have mine clean my house and car on a regular basis.

OK the odd pair of pants go missing when she steals them to rub over her face whilst doing the KitKat shuffle, but its a small price to pay.

Your stalker can also be relied upon for shopping trips, off licence runs and picking you up at ridiculous times of the morning blind drunk from random pubs/clubs/parties.

Just remember folks, your stalker's not just there for the nasty times in life.
(Sat 2nd Feb 2008, 22:24, More)

» Blood

Many moons ago
When I was about 154 in cat years, possibly my 154th birthday weekend coming to think of it, I awoke at a friends house covered in blood naked with a similarly naked young lady with me.

As you do the first thing you do is make sure she's breathing.

Excellent, that's OK, and she's not got any obvious wounds (insert your own joke here).

Anyhoo - it is at this point I finally think "if it's not her then.."

Check the old boy and he's OK, big relief there.

Then i see this glistening, shiny, sparkling thing on the floor. I am transfixed, like Gollum staring at his precious. It is a ring, a silver ring.

i reach down and pick it up. I recognise the ring. It is mine.

Attached to it is half of my left nipple.

At this point I vomit.

All over naked young lady.

She is not impressed.

She never speaks to me again.

I still have a rather fetching scar as a reminder of that morning.

Fortunately, I do not remember the evening preceding it.

Cider rocks.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 19:44, More)

» Made me laugh

Street evangelist
I saw a street evangelist do a proper slapstick comedy banana skin-type slip on a pile of dogshit yesterday.

Legs went way up in the air and he landed on his back in the dogshit which smeared nicely over his jacket.

Just gutted none got in his hair.
(Thu 6th Dec 2012, 12:25, More)

» The Great Outdoors

Taking time off today
and building a greenhouse.

By the time my neighbours get back I'll have a fake crime scene tent over the top of it and convince them that the previous owners of the house buried a murdered prostitute in the back garden.

They were Christian Fundies after all.
(Thu 29th Mar 2012, 15:11, More)
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