b3ta.com user The only Dave
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» Ouch!

Pissed up Mrs at my cousins wedding....
...she was 2 and a half bottles of wine in after 3 hours. Just after the speeches I took her back to the hotel room in the hope of her going for a snooze but she flew into a rage spouting "we're never going to get married, they have only been together 5 minutes, you don't love me...." ect. She stormed off into the bathroom but didn't turn the light on, went to sit on the toilet but sat on the bidet. The spout on the tap of bidet went straight up her arse and broke her coccyx. I found her face down in her makup bag sobbing the words "the toilet bit me". She couldn't sit down for 4 weeks.
(Thu 29th Jul 2010, 22:45, More)

» Down on the Farm

Mmmm bacon (could be a repost)
Whilst out walking with my wife, after she’d recently given birth, we arrived at the back of a farm. Over the fence we could see a huge pig and my wife ever the animal lover beckoned it over and began to stroke it. At this point she totally underestimated the size of her new breast and one of them touched the fence, which turned out to be an electric fence. The current travelled through her boob down her arm and directly into the pigs nose. The pig screamed a scream I would never want to hear again and ran off. It was hilarious.
(Sun 27th May 2012, 20:57, More)

» Letters they'll never read

(after travelling back in time 20 years) Dear me
1. Don't shag Jenny's Mum, the opportunity will arise but just because you can doesn't mean you should.

2.Remember to get into the sports hall early the day of the basketball final so you can get hold of a pair of shorts that actually fit you and avoid a disastrous "balls out in front of the entire school" situation.

3. If you are going to shag Jenny's Mum, don't shag her younger sister Alison, for reasoning see point 1.

4. The old Ginger bird in the BT call centre you will work in does not just want to make sure you have somewhere safe to sleep, she wants you to be a father to her even more Ginger kids.

5. Suzanne, who you sit next to in Geography, actually looses around 8 stone and turns out to be a stunner. Put the groundwork in now because trust me it will be worth it.

6. The entire bottle of Southern Comfort you chose to drink on your 18th is not a good idea unless you want to have your stomach pumped and lose the love of Jenny after telling her you have shagged her Mum and Sister.

7. Remember that Jenny's Dad is very big and unusually nippy fella for a 50 year old.

8. Use Sunscreen.
(Wed 10th Mar 2010, 13:25, More)

» Morning After Souvenirs

I once woke up with a 15ft (ish) pub sign in my room.
It was for a pub called "The Barley Mow". I decided to take in back to the pub in question. Whilst walking it down the road a Police car pulled up next to me. The Copper asked me "Where did you get that from?" and I, looked down at the 15 ft long sign that read Barley Mow upside down and still drunk replied, "the Wheatsheaf", "make sure you take it back" came the reply. I've never understood if he was taking the piss out of me, or me him.
(Mon 30th Apr 2012, 13:13, More)

» Tactless

Whilst talking about how badly I coped with the idea of being a father....
....with my friend Kay, I came out with the line of "Well what was I going to do, kill someone because I thought I wasn't ready to become a dad?", totally forgetting I'd driven her to the clinic 5 years ago to have an abortion. Not the best moment.
(Sat 5th Nov 2011, 17:44, More)
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