» IT Support

One thing I will never ever live down where I used to work ..
.. was when a client had troubles playing sound on her laptop. As the office she worked in was in the business park next to ours, I walked over there and had a look myself. Now, the laptop had a world of problems with it beforehand, so I was ready for the worst.

I go over there and have a look. Audio settings, look okay. Drivers working, check. Headphones don't work neither, can't be speakers then. Sound isn't muted. I re-install the drivers with the latest version, nothing. What the hell is going on?

After 45mins worth of diagnosing, I decided it was probably a hardware issue of sorts, backed up all of the client's files, sorted out a loan laptop and got the laptop shipped off to Boshtiba for repairs.

A week passes and we get the laptop back! Blimey, that was quick!

I opened the lid and had a read at the repair notes. I see nothing on the list. Oh, wait, somebody has angrily wirrten in the notes:

"Turned volume wheel up on the front, works now"

... "Ohhhhh fucky fuckstockings!"

My ex-boss and collegues just pissed themselves laughing at me for a good 10 minutes before concluding:

"You utter twat"

Cheers!
(Thu 24th Sep 2009, 17:22, More)

» Celebrities part II

One I'll never forget..
.. when I was at the starting point of the 2007 Gumball 3000 rally in Pall Mall. I was stood there while all of the expensive exotic cars were pulling up to their position in the grid and then I saw him ... Tim Westwood pulling up in a very nice American classic (Sorry, forgot what the make/model was).

He got out and was looking a little lonely .. Nobody seemed bothered by his presence. I was just happy to stand there and not bother him, but the people behind me had better ideas.

(Westwood had his back to us)

Bloke behind me: "HEY! WESTWOOD! OVER HERE! WESTWOOD! YEAHH!"

Westwood turns round, with a little grin on his face. Somebody actually wanted his attention! He waves at us!

Bloke behind me: "YOU CCCCUUUUUUUUNNNTTTTTTT!!!!"

Westwood's grin vanished and he decided it would probably be best if he just turned back round, his waving coming to a gradual stop.

I really don't like his show .. But I did feel a little bad for him then.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 17:29, More)

» Waste of money

I was conned..
.. back when I was 17. I was on my merry way back from college when some fellas stopped in a van and told me they had been given too many packages to deliver. They had two that weren't on the list of deliveries that day. Turns out these packages were German branded "top end studio monitors".

Not quite sure why I wanted them or where I would put them.. I think it was because it had a 'liquid cooled tweeter', which just sounded cool to me at the time. I said "Alright, how much?", "£100 for the pair" .. Shit, I only had £50 hanging about to last me the month, so I said no. "Well how about you buy one then? We'll give you a lift home too". For reasons that I still to this day cannot understand I said "Oh, alright then!" .. I handed them over fifty notes, hopped in, they unloaded the speaker and pissed off.

It wasn't till I took it out the box, sat down, looked at it and thought "What the shitty arse clangers am I going to do with 1 speaker and no amp?". A little bit of research shows that this "high-end studio monitor" was actually a complete piece of fucking shit and I had indeed been fucked in the arse, giving two random fellas their drinks money for the night.

I'm 22 and it's still in the loft.. It reminds me every time I go up there how much of a stupid twat I was.

Cheers!
(Thu 30th Sep 2010, 15:43, More)

» Neighbours

My current neighbours are..
.. great! In fact, one of them dropped me into work last week when the battery died on my car. Top people!

However, my previous neighbour was an utter cretin. I used to live in a block of maisonettes and this particular neighbour kept her front window wide open all the time, so I could hear her every time she'd go into a screaming fit, because her child did something she shouldn't have done or dinner hasn't gone right, or one of her boyfriends has run out of pot.. Or whatever. Anyway, they happened a lot.

This one particular episode involved her daughter wanting to play with something. Her response went something like..

"No, you can't get in it.. Not here, no .. No .. NO .. LEAVE I-- FURKINGGEOUTTTOFFIT! YADDAFACKINGLEAVEFAAKITALONE AAAAAAAAAAAAHRRRHRHHHH!!!!!"

She then decided that it would be best if she grabbed the item in question (one of those big red cars with the yellow top that you sit and ride around in), pick it up and then launch it off the balcony accompanied with a screamy grunt..

"NAAAAAAARRRGHGHGH!!!!"

Needless to say, the car didn't fair too well with the concrete pavement. It crippled the front two wheels and took the door clean off!

Length? About 10mins an episode.. Mostly at about 6-9 in the evening. At least twice a day.
(Wed 7th Oct 2009, 12:04, More)

» The B3TA Confessional

I killed a cat..
It was entirely my fault and I've felt horrifically guilty about ever since.

I was about 9 or 10 and there was a cat sunbathing on the grass outside our house, I went over to it and it ran off under a car. Determined to pet the fucker, I ran over to the car, got on my knees and saw the little tabby looking at me. I stuck my hand out to see if I could reach him and he ran out into the road..

*THUD* .. *SCREEEEEEEECCCHHHHHHHH*

.... Fuck.

After hearing the thud and seeing the fur floating from impact behind the car, I ran indoors just sat there in shock. Someone's beloved pet was now dead. Confessed to the parents about it who were a little angry I didn't leave it alone, but understood I didn't know there was a car coming at the time.

Whoever that cat belonged to, I'm so so sorry I killed it. I'll probably never get over it.
(Tue 31st Aug 2010, 16:35, More)