b3ta.com user timothycrippins
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Used to contribute but now reduced to dirty lurking. Sorry.

Recent front page messages:

Line Dancer

Again for no reason.
(Mon 7th Apr 2003, 5:52, More)

Best answers to questions:

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

On holiday with the yoof lcub in Denmark
Hostel overrun by Polish football fans and girls from the club that I am desperate to impress. So I decide to try and "win" a game of truth or dare by self-suggesting spraying Brut deodorant onto my nipple for ten seconds from a distance of 1 inch.

The nipple freezes, bleeds and then goes solid. It has now been permanently erect for 11 years.
(Thu 19th Jul 2007, 21:49, More)

» Scary Neighbours

I live next door to a genuine, bona fide, Tibetan monk.
In robes. I tell delivery men to "leave my packages with the Dalai Lama next door." For that, I am happy.
(Fri 26th Aug 2005, 15:37, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

When I was an alcoholic, I had a favourite haunt. It was vey dark, very loud and quite cheap - perfect for a boozehound.

Whilst there a yacht of a girl took a shine to my drunken stumbling about, grabbed me by the Geoff and physically dragged me back to her hole several streets away. My last memory of the dive that night was my mate waving at me whilst laughing in my face.

She was huge. I was pissed and scared. After a considerable amount of effort on her massive frame, I sober up enough to spot her herpes spots and broken teeth. I manage to squeal "fuck this, I'm off" and scarper with my clothes under arm. Life has never been the same since.

[it was either this story or the one with the quadraplegic and the romantic, four hour, waddle back to hers]
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 14:43, More)

» The Onosecond

A little virus-y thing
spent a few weeks going around college. It simply deposited some choice lesbian porn on the users' computer before forwarding itself to the users' address book. Unfortunately, I had the email address of my militant feminist tutor and the women's welfare officer in my address book. At least my sending the stuff was unintentional - my mate received the porn from the tutors and decided to write them a thankyou letter back. A show of manners which they did not appreciate.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 19:31, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Mr Crabtree
An unhinged loon, who we all loved very much.
One week came into school with a cut on his forehead. On questioning, he admitted that he had headbutted the toilet whilst attempting to spit in it. Next day, he arrived at his first class (us) looking very sheepish, only to admit half-an-hour in that he had shat himself whilst driving to school.
Turned out he believed the school toilets were against him and thought he would chance his ancient bladder.
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 21:18, More)
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