b3ta.com user Klangtarnflatchslapper
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» Vandalism

Written on a derelict social centre (I think) near the shop on Marfleet Lane, Hull - 1988?
When she was a little girl,
She had a dainty quim.
If she tried very hard,
She could fit her finger in.
Now she's nearly sixteen,
Her quim has lost its charm.
Now she drops in her finger,
And half her fucking arm.

(edit: NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A) Fantastic example of the Iambic Pentameter, I must say.
(Sat 9th Oct 2010, 21:01, More)

» PE Lessons

Swimming with brown dolphins...
I hated swimming because of the ribbing boys get in the changing rooms, but moreso because the warm water made me want to pee....and shit. It was comfy you know? I'd be no good in these sensory dep tanks because i'd be farting in the tub.

So yeah, one day i'd slipped a fish into my y-trunks whilst swimming and spent a good half hour dragging a steamer through the pool (in the near presence of the entire class around the side listening to instructions whilst the excited ones dipped their heads down and spat out on resurfacing) in my trunkettes.

Worst of all, I was spotted in the changing rooms pulling said shit out of my arse with a green paper towel and putting it in the sink.
(Sun 22nd Nov 2009, 1:01, More)

» Brain Fade

Normal idiocy
We don't have electric kettles here in Finland otherwise I would be putting it back into the fridge after use like I did in the UK.
(Thu 21st Mar 2013, 17:14, More)

» Waste of money

Toilet paper
Yes, we all respect the soft stuff. Man and woman. Especially when it doesn't break through as your softly cushioned probing "main finger" drives halfway up the manhole (personhole?) to clean anything from gravelly hard lumps to gravy-like unending shite from the ring.

Fuck that. There is a sink and soap in the bathroom. Use your hand (hands? one needs to control tapses and soap) and stop wasting my fucking expensive paper.

Hell, toothbrushes are cheap enough and we keep several of those in the bathroom cabinet.

Length? Two sheets minimum before gay shit finger action.
(Thu 30th Sep 2010, 20:33, More)

» Buses

Kind of a bus. But it's a train. Still smelly and full of cretins however.
So yeah.

Sat on the single carriage train to Newark one day many years back listening to my CD player or whatever, and kind of not knowing how loud I was breathing or sniffing. The headphone paranoia. So I was clearing my phlegmy throat a little bit and suddenly a huge reflexive cough sent a Creme Egg filling sized lung spaff flying across towards the window, splattering just above head height where it was visible to the rest of the passengers on the carriage. The flying bit was amazing, because I saw it in true slow motion as it spun around bolus-like, one end impacting the window before the elastically-attached other half swung round. I have no idea of the noise unfortunately.

So yeah. I took off my headphones and had a look around to see if anyone had noticed. No-one was making obvious signs of having noticed it (whether they had or not) but there was still 20 or so people within gandering range. Someone surely must have seen it. Or had they?

The choice was difficult. Do I ignore it? Do I acknowledge it and lay claim to the gooey bubbly oesophageal jizzball? I knew full well that I couldn't wipe it off without having to stand up, drawing attention to my actions especially as it would smear horribly and I didn't have anything to wipe it off with except for my ticket.

So I pressed my ticket over the gooey blob, applying plenty of pressure to make sure it stuck whilst rotating it back and forth. I didn't want it falling off now, did I? Success.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 10:25, More)
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