b3ta.com user Mr. Cunt
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» Presents

Spanish Christmas....
Well, my folks live in Spain so I'll be leaving Manchester to where the people smell of garlic and like to stab donkeys.

This usually happens, but this year, it's different and mum's parents are going over too, so that'll involve the usual xmas row (as happens after nan hits the 'El Buen Chirrosis' wine) and party food. Lots of it, and then some.

However, a few months ago my nan was given an ASBO for 'abusive language and disturbing other residents'. Naturally, this provided much amusement and shame for Mr. Cunt, Father Cunt and Mummy Cunt. Fling a heavy amount of shame to the equation and hang on... what's that? Yep, you got it, Christmas ideas for newly dubbed 'Chav Nan'. The list is as following:

-Twenty Benson and Hedges Gold (none of this Marlboro Light lark, 'coz dey're posh, innit?'.

- Lonsdale Hoodie and Nike Shocks.

- One bottle of White Lightening.

- White Joggers from Primark.

- Latest N-Dubz Album.

- Elizabeth Duke's Finest Big Fuck Off Sea Faring Hoop Earrings. Real big bastards!

As for the rest of the family and me, I'm treating myself to a new Strat, dad's getting some Wine Related stuff and mum's getting some stuff for the kitchen. And a token cookbook.

Length? Had too much to drink last night, so not much.
(Sat 28th Nov 2009, 16:49, More)

» Nightclubs

Breakups, swingers and boozery; oh my!
Now, as a principle I don't really go to clubs. The booze is too pricey, I like the music but as like a lot of men am only blessed with the ability to perform one very rigid dance. This leads to an inability to trap off with a member of the opposite sex and I instead opt to bimble off down the kebab shop rather than gyrating.

Anyway, I had broken up with the former Mrs. Cunt a few months ago and had spent the week indulging in lots of alcohol and having what's know as 'a bloody good time' because naturally, I was upset about it all. So, I gets a phone call from a buddy to see if I want to go out to Manchester's very own sticky floored venue, 42nd Street - beats sitting in wanking watching another re-run of Top Gear thinks I, so whips on some glad rags (well, it was jeans and a t-shirt really) and gets gone.

After having ingested several beers, eyeing up the ladies having a sweat and a wobble and passing the typical comments, I gets up and partakes in a dance not similar to something by C3P0. It's not going anywhere and being not the healthiest person in the North West, I start to get a bit of a sweat on and decide 'bollocks, it's time for a fag'.

In I come, post cigarette and sit down to compose my thoughts and started thinking about the former Mrs. Cunt. So whilst I'm in my moment of solace I hear 'do you wanna shag me?' and look around. Now, it seemed like I was in luck as I'd already been taken out for a kebab this week by another lass. The chance to see a mimsy would have been amazing, so naturally and for the team, I say 'yes' with a slight twitch on.

We speak, I drink more, she drinks more, and then she says 'but my boyfriend wants to watch'. Ummm... thinks I. Cue another few drinks. 'He also wants you to have sex with him'. I didn't really fancy smashing someone's back doors in that night, so I politely declined, ceased the twitching and let them leave with someone who resembled a barbary ape.

There are also a few other stories regarding Canal Street on a Russian society social, and when I was banned from entering 42's by the goblin on the door for being 'fucked' and insisting "I'm fine, don't worry 'bout me!"

Length? Nah, no apologies this week. I didn't let them see!

(Does anyone know if 42's has a reputation for being a swinging hot spot, btw?)
(Fri 10th Apr 2009, 12:57, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Okay this isn't any proclamation of near necrophilia, but a few weeks ago I went to see Fleetwood Mac in Manchester. This naturally, caused a reawakening of my crush on Mr. Lindsey Buckingham. This shouldn't really happen as he is pushing it now and he doesn't have 'it' as much as in the late 70's. But yes, he'd get it. Whilst playing Second Hand News.

It's sad to say Stevie Nicks has a neck like a vagina now.
(Sat 7th Nov 2009, 13:57, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Serious problems
As I bought a 1st gen iPhone which was about as reliable as a glass dummy. Replaced it with a Sony Ericsson C902 which again, has been shocking.
(Wed 5th Aug 2009, 16:28, More)

» Impulse buys

Student Loan:
Squire Telecaster - Used maybe once or twice 'coz it hurt to play after having drunk too much and I shredded my fingers.

Warren Zevon Disocgraphy - Best musical purchase I've ever made.

Sony Ericsson C902 - Aye, didn't really need to replace the old one, but okay... (and I needed a new digicam)

Lots of alcohol and a kebab flung into the mix.

Length? Not too big, 'coz of the shame!
(Sat 23rd May 2009, 12:50, More)
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