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I've lived an uneventful life
Well it's the first time I've ever replied to a QotW, but thought I'd share some of my experiences...

Up until the age of 20, nothing notable really happened. you know, just the run of the mill indoors type stuff - spit roasting your best mate's missus and then banging his sister etc.

When I was 20, I moved from the UK to Tenerife. It seems that a combination of sun, alcohol, tourists, money and IT skills can get you into all sorts of situations which you would not normally find yourself in. It also results in you finding yourself in the company of people who you would not expect to have been.

When I first arrived in Tenerife, I was rather shy. My weekends were spent with my work colleagues getting rather pissed up in the Puerto Colón area of Las Americas where I always seemed to end up in Hoppers Scottish Karaoke bar - for the owners were Scottish, not the karaoke - drooling at Julie - for that was her name - the rather pretty 19 year old bar maid.

Julie was - and probably to this day still is - a rather attractive young lady, the innocent girl-next-door face coupled with a slim build and fantastic jugs would have me dribbling into my pints of Tequila-Vodka-Redbull all night. In fact the sight of her in her bikini the following lunchtime was the only thing that could cure my hangover. And send me scuttling off to find somewhere I could hide my boner.

But enough about Julie, as apart from seeing her in her bikini, I never got anywhere, not a sticky finger, not even a sniff. a damn shame. I only wanted to remenice about her and her fantastic funbags for a moment...

Ah, so where was I heading with this story... In late 99/00/early 01 I was working for a tiny web development agency out in Tenerife, getting blitzed outsideof work and putting a grand scheme together to turn our little web design business into an all powerful on-line travel agency. Being rather good at that kind of stuff resulted in me getting a rather nice salary.

This rather nice salary resulted in me having a rather nice convertible sports car, a rather nice place wardrobe of clothes, and a great place to live.

The money was flying in at this point - the small web design jobs of 99 were now being handled by my own web design studio, I had an off-shoot project at webcam-sex.com (long gone now) where I was streaming live video and pre-recorded video to subscribers. Hell, I was even filming the much we used to show. Iit was basically a pornographic version of Big Brother. Obviously, you can't do a Big Brother type show in a 2 bed terraced house. Luckily, I was renting a villa with 9 bedrooms, a pool, a jacuzzi, a bar and stage with poles for dancing around in the basement.

For those of you who know Tenerife, you may well know the small resort of Callao Salvaje. For those of you who may know Callao Salvaje, you may recall Club Cleopatra's - what was a well known bothel (because it was a brothel and well known). This is where my expanding porn empire was based. I don't know if anyonbe can find info on it, but it's now a private villa. The place was amazing - the bedrooms had circular beds, the ceilings had mirrors above the beds, the headboards were mirrors and the lampshades built in to the far wall was made out of mirror.

They also housed CCTV cameras!

I will eventually get to the point of this rather long post...

As August 2001 approached, the online travel agency raised €5m in venture capital. The highlife was upon us.

I was now regularly holding parties at the villa which would go on for 24 hours, the local ex-pat girls would come round, they'd be on the poles, in the pool, in the jacuzzi and more importantly in my bed. Just how you want to spend your early twenties.

On one occassion, having been woken up by a young girl trying to climb into my bed, who wasn't up to my required standard, I booted her out and relocked my door, placing a heavy piece of furniture against it to foil her attempts to get back in. This, however, left me with a slight problem, I couldn't get to the bog. "I know!" I thought to myself, "I'll climb out of the window" so I did. I used the small roof of the porch beneath my bedroom, to get to the window of the room my visiting brother was staying in, where he was riding the village bike, who I shall refer to as Emma (because that's her name). Emma was grinding away on top of my little brother, so I hoped through the window, said "Morning" and went for a slash in the bathroom. I don't think either my brother or Emma had been expecting that, as Emma froze, baps out (and very pert) in front of me. I then used the same route to get back to my room, only this time Emma covered herself up.

A few weeks later, I was sat outside a bar in Callao Salvaje, when my Dad came over to visit. We were sippin chilled beers and just watching the world go by. Emma approached, stopped to say hello as we were mates by this time. I introduced my father to Emma, then turned to my Dad and said “Dad, this is Emma. The one James was shagging when I leapt through his window!”. Emma went red and fled inside the pub.

On other occassions, I would take the cast of webcam-sex up into the mountain range of Tenerife to get some alfresco shooting done in the Parque nacional del Teide. As you do.

I had recruited a lad who was know locally as Dougal to be my male star. He was paid pitifully for his services, and only got extras such as Viagra if and when he needed it. Dougal had to make up his income selling tickets on the beaches to tourists for the booze-cruise which ran weekly. Remind me to tell you the story about Dougal and Viagra.

We also had another ex-pat on the 'team'. She was a total skank. Covered in tats from shoulder to toe, an unhealthy addiction to Charlie and no tits. God, she was foul. After she'd split with her husband (I suspect he fell off a boat, wearing concrete boots), she started stripping to make money, down at the Veronicas area of Playa de las Americas.

Additionally, we had a Lithuanian girl on the team. I shall call her "Sophie", just in case anyone she knows or who knows her reads this and thinks to themselves "Sounds just like Andrea, aprt from this one is called Sophie". So Andrea, sorry "Sophie", was a gorgeous east European - about 5'3", long curly brown hair, beautiful breasts, a peachy arse, big brown eyes and a ery tidy clout. I once spit roasted her and then filmed my mate Paul shoving a Coca-Cola bottle up her.

Anyway, on one Saturday afternoon, I drove up in to the hills, from which you could see the Reina Sophia airport to the left, all the way to Las Americas on the right, with Dougal, Andrea and Steph (an ex-hooker who was in charge of finding brassers to film).

We found a secluded area amongst the pines and rocks, and within minutes, Dougal and Andrea were getting it on. Strangely, I never actually was tempted to join in, or ever actually got wood, while I filed these masterpieces. Anyway, I digress, I was filming the two of them and heard a dog barking in the distance. I looked across to where we had parked and saw a tour bus pull up.

I carried on filming, catching as many great angles as I could, getting the "oohs" and "ahs" etc and thought there was a good place for myself and Steph to disappear behind.

I slipped the camera focus to a zoomed out setting so it would capture everything in the are we were in, and sloped off behind a rock and indicated for Steph to join me.

Stephanie, joined me, got down next to me, her breasts rubbing against my arm. I put my finger to her lips to "shush" her. I could see a look of anticipation on her eyes. I knew that she wanted me and that all of the shagging turned her on. She leant in closer, pressed her breasts against me even more, so I put my arm around her and pulled her in tight. Just as the German tourists walked straight passed where Dougal was pounding Andrea. I only know a bit of German, but I understood that they were surprised. Obviously not as surprised as Dougal and Andrea who were now trying to cover themselves up!

After the Germans departed, myself and Steph reappeared and after a good laugh, filming continued.

I didn't give Steph any cock, BTW, if that's what you were all thinking. I'd merely not wanted us to get caught filming those two!

Another occasion, it was a Sunday night, I think we were 13 nights in to filming, Dougal turned up, and couldn't get it up. We filled him with Viagra, four large tablets if I recall correctly, but after an hour he/it still wouldn't function. So we cancelled filming that night and myself and Steph went to the local garage to get pissed, because for some reason in Tenerife, every petrol station has a bar.

I'd often thought about slipping Steph a portion, but I couldn't bring myself to sleep with a hooker, albeit an retired one (and she was only 25, she'd made her money$).

So the next day, I was back in my normal office, doing the travel agency stuff, joking that I'd have to fill in as stunt-cock, should Dougal not be able to function that evening, when the phone rang.

It was Dougal. It was working.
It was working too well.

Apparently, he'd been selling tickets on Playa de las Americas to lots of girls, most of them topless, when he started to feel some stirring. He decided to whip off his t-shirt and tucked it down the front of his shorts to disguise his now throbbing member as he tried to keep his cool and finish off selling tickets to the group of girls he was talking to. One of the girls had spotted his bulge appearing and had grabbed his t-shirt, tugging it and also pulled down his shorts as she grabben the t-shirt. There was Dougal, almost naked, in front of a group of girls, with a viagra fuelled knob and no way of getting rid of it. I think I spent five minutes rolling around in tears as he recalled that story.

Moving on... Being an attention whoring bastid, I wanted my website to be top of the search engines, so set about promoting it far and wide. It was Dougal's other boss, Lee Jones, who actually provided me with some great advertising. I was introduced to page 3 bint Lindsey Dawn Mackenzie, by Lee. I also met her sister Alison and Lindsey's mate, who's name I can't remember. All I can remember is that she spoke with a really strong London accent and sucked her teeth. And she wanted to ride me.

So, here was my ticket to promoting my website further. It was organised that one evening, Linds and Alison would get their tits out with any tourist who would pay us 2 mil (or £8 in English money) and the punter would get a polaroid in return.

Later that evening, I was stood outside Yates's bar in the Starco's area, with loads of blokes looking at me, wondering how I'd got these two girls with me. The girls had spotted it too and they were both enjoying the attention. Alison then whispered to her sister and then they both asked me who I thought had the best jubblies. Not wanting to hurt their feelings, I said I didn't know. So at that point they put one my hands on one of each of their breasts – I could have down with more hands – and had a good grope. The other blokes in the area were really looking now and the girls were really enjoying the attention. I've never really been an attention seeker, so I got bored of their antics after a while and just ignored them.

Those two actually came and stayed at the villa shortly after Lindsey had got married. This gave the opportunity to get the webcam site some page 3 endorsement. Photos were taken of them both semi naked etc. Jobs a good'un. I went back to ignoring them. They didn't like this and would walk through the villa in various states of undress to get some attention. It'd start of in bikini's, then topless, then naked. Apart from their friend who didn't get her puppies out as far as I recall.

One afternoon, I got bored of listening to them talking about nothing, so pushed Lindsey into the swimming pool while she was trying to show off a ridiculously expensive watch. I then scarpered while weeping tears of laughter from my face. I decided to chill in the bar/club area and had a beer but was soon discovered by Lindsey's mate, who wanted me to join her. I fobbed her off and I then went upstairs. A quick shuffle later, I was laying naked under a sheet when the same girl came in. She tried to get under the sheet, but I told her to bugger off. Why? God knows! It was on tap and I told her to piss off! I could have shagged her senseless, but instead I'd settled for having a Tommy. I've often wondered since then what it would be like to sleep with a black girl as I've never done it. White girls - check, latin girls - check, black girls – never. Damn. That was a missed opportunity.

After that, I did meet a very pretty Scottish girl, from Edinburgh. If you look in an encyclopaedia for the word “beautiful”, you would find her picture. Slim, about 5'4”, long, shiney blonde hair, legs to die for and a gorgeous rack. Everything was perfect and she gave me a blowie, just outside my place. I fell in love with her on our first date. Which she asked me out on. I often think about her. She'd be about 31 now. 32 on September 3rd this year. Her name is Madeline, although she told everyone that it was Kim. Last time I saw her was when I put her on a one way flight to Barcelona. Why did she feel the need to tell me that before she had met me she had been working as a prostitute? Should anyone out there know a Madeline, from Edinburgh, who'll be 32 on September 3rd this year, and have a sister called Kim, tell her I said “Hello”.

So there you have it, a few accounts of bits and pieces I got up to in Tenerife.

But that's not where my stories stop. I once went out with a girl in Tunbridge Wells, who we'll call Suzie – to protect the innocent er... no, her name really was Suzie. And she's a psycho. Suzie has got massive norks. Probably about 34JJ. She also breeds Weimeraners, which are crazy dogs, just like Suzie. Anyway, one afternoon, out in the the garden of England, Suzie started feeling frisky. She pulled me to the side, grabbed at my jeans and began sucking me off. Not bad. She then told me to get on the floor, at which point she revealed that she wasn't wearing any underwear (that explains why I could smell Tuna all day), she climbed on top and starting riding away. Suzie was a real gusher. She would come within seconds of me entering her and would continue to do so at the slightest of touches. She wasn't even quiet about it either. She would often lean towards me and scream which I found deafening, so I would on occasion ask her to face away while she rides on top. This turned out to be the best timing ever. Suzie was riding away, gushing everywhere, but facing away, she would always close her eyes when she was having an orgasm. That explains how she failed to notice the group of walkers heading our way and passed right by us until one of them spoke. I personally found this hilarious as they couldn't see me, but as one walker tried to berate us for our behaviour, one of Suzie's dogs thought that they were going to attack us, so chased the walkers away. The dog wouldn't stop, so Suzie ended up chasing after the dog, still trying to put her massive tits away as I slid away and pulled my shorts and jeans back up.

It was also with Suzie, whilst in Thasos, that I was slipping her a length on the balcony of our apartment when the maid walked in. I don't understand any Greek, but she didn't stick around long. Shame really, as from what I'd seen of her around the complex, I'd have actually enjoyed getting her to join in. Or just f'ing Suzie off altogether to enable me to sort out the maid.

Instead, I took Suzie down to the sea and spaffed my load inside her down there.

Chloe – another pyscho – I slipped her one in a tight space. Not her poop-shoot. Well, not in public, but that's another story. I took her down to Stoke Bardolph, in Notts, and gave her a proper seeing to in the back of her new Fiesta. I'm still not sure if she worked out it was a dogging hotspot.

I also filled her on loads of occasions at her parent's place, while they were in the next room, or got her to suck me off in the garden while her parents were in view through the window. My favourite though, was getting Chloe to suck me off while I, unbeknownst to her, was watching her sister change, through the window. As soon as she was fully unclothed I felt the urge to empty my nads, as I was only seeing Chloe to get to her sister. So I pulled out of Chloe's mouth and shot into her face, hair and down her tits. Her face was one of thunder as she would have to pass through the room where her parents were sitting in order to get to the bathroom to sort herself out. I simply went back inside the house, helped myself to one of her dad's beers and sat there chatting with her parents as if nothing had happened.

I should be ashamed of myself, I know. But take mind that I won't ever do it again as I'm a cop now so I have to behave. I even have to turn down propositions.

As if I do! And yes, I do often use my handcuffs!

I'm off to Alton Towers on Saturday with a filthy nurse, so I need some suggestions on where is good for outdoor fun there, if anyone has any.
(Tue 28th Apr 2009, 16:58, More)