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» Guilty Laughs

Dead Cat, Unhinged Mum
Years ago we inherited a manky cat which had lived a semi-stray existance in some nearby stables. She stank like the place where sealions go to die. She moulted constantly, huge white furballs like tumbleweed would blow through the living room, and she had one fang protruding from her mouth at all times.
Her party trick was to clean her growler in the noisiest slurpy fashion a cat could ever muster, usually in front of some visitor who already gagging at the smell and would now flee in horror, covered in drool and white fluff.
Alas it was in mid slurp that poor puss was presumably overcome by her own fumes and died, leg in the air but stiff as a board. Dad went and fetched her with the intention of burying her in the back yard.

However, due to the Jacko-esque pose in which she had died, the inadequate size of box selected as coffin and the fact that no one wanted to do anything about it, the leg would not fit. Dad quietly went about the business of burial, using moggys leg as a convenient handle.

Mum on the other hand was in tears...of hysterical laughter. There she stood at the graveside, doubling up, unable to speak, but with an occasional mime of the cats final pose thrown in complete with one-fang expression. Absolutely peeing herself laughing at a dead cat.

Its a wonder I turned out even this well, really.
(Tue 27th Jul 2010, 9:36, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Right 'andful!
Working outside a house in a part of town where the kids are arranged in blocks of 2.4 I was interrupted by two little 'angels' having a bit of a row over whos go it was on the trike. A stressed mum-type caught up with them and gave me a head-shaking 'Bleddy kids' kind of look, to which I replied "You've got your hands full with that pair!"

At this point, she looked at her cleavage, then gave me a stare that could melt air and crossed the road. Just about the same moment, it dawned that they weren't her kids. I then beat a hasty one. Retreat, that is.
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 15:41, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Fat Bastard
that I used to work with was recalling a holiday: "Whats that big rock, bottom of Spain, loads of monkeys...wassname...errr?' A few minutes of head scratching and intense thought passed. He rolled a ciggy, lit it and then suddenly blurted out

"Travolta!! Thats the fucker!"

He sat back in satisfaction while the rest of us shook our heads, walked away and tried not to collectively wee with laughter as soon as we were outside. We had previously managed to convince him that Sugar Diabetes was a welsh boxing legend.
(Fri 4th Mar 2011, 8:57, More)

» Festivals

Reading '95
I found a sign written on a piece of card. It said:

"Dear Police,
Please can you take this guy away because I think he might actually be dead and its really starting to freak me out. Thanks!"

Apologies for length.
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 19:11, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Definitely unerotic but ultimately satisfying
Somewhere in the South West of England, late 80s, there is a cliff side littered with chalets, scrubby plants and faintly disturbing residents. My uncle, due to 'unforseen circumstances' ie. his Mrs had black-bagged him, ended up living here for a while. Spending his days drinking, fishing and hanging around with his pals in the sun agreed with him so he got to know the area quite well.

On one such sunny afternoon, he was looking after his two young daughters who were happily playing in the garden while he fished for dinner from the rocks a few hundred yards away, further down the slope. A friend of his who was fishing alongside suddenly grabbed his arm and pointed out a stark bollock naked gentleman steathily making his way through the scrub (no mean feat in his condition), towards said garden.

Dropping his fishing gear, uncle started up the slope. Realising that the naked chap would get to his garden before he could, he decided to match stealth with stealth and use his local knowledge of the cliff paths to ensure that at least he would have a chance of confronting him before he legged it.

Mr Naked approached the garden, his 'excitement' plain for all to see. Before he could utter a word he was interrupted by a raging bull of a man dropping in between him and the girls from the garden above.

Did I mention my uncle had been a boxer in a past life?

You can probably imagine the surprise and horror on the perv's face just before it was swiftly and permanently rearranged. Not sure what happened to him afterwards, but I imagine he might have been subject to a more rapid descent down the cliff path than is considered healthy before anyone called the emergency services.

My cousins, who were unharmed if slightly perplexed and a little more worldly wise than before, apparently spent the afternoon happily bankrupting the tooth fairy to the regular cry of "Daddy, I found another tooth!"
(Fri 29th May 2009, 9:27, More)
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