b3ta.com user stopmeandslapme
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for stopmeandslapme:
Profile Info:

Signed up to the b3ta yahoogroup on September 11th 2002 (still got the email). Read the newsletter for a few years then started reading old QOTWs at work. One day I had an inspirational thought: "hang on, I've got some hilarious anecdotes, I should register on that website and start posting". So I did.

At the time of writing, April 2010, 95% of what I've posted has been 100% true and of the hilarious and/or rivetting anecdote variety. I do also make shit up in an attempt to be humourous and work on the basis that if one million chimps on one million typewriters for one million years can come up with the works of Shakespeare then, if I post often enough, I may come up with something amusing. I also like to have a stab at the Image Challenge most weeks and feel that my submissions are improving (from an exceptionally poor start).

Vital statistics:
Born: 1971
Sex: Male
Location: Near Harlow
Favourite beetle: Cockchafer
Favourite Beatle: George Harrison
Favourite sport: Cricket
Favourite cricket: Field Cricket
Favourite punctuation character: :

Footballer rhyming slang:
John Moncur - concur
Nicky Peverell - several

Did you know...
... that hairy black cups were named by Fuckel?
... that the 1878 FA Cup final was refereed by Segar Bastard?

My hobby is metal detecting, these are some of the best coins that I've found:

they are:

Denarius of Antonius Pius
English jeton (counting token)
Elizabeth I three pence
Edward I penny
George II sixpence
Another Edward I penny
Ancient British unit of Trinovantes tribe (very rare)
Commonwealth penny
Roman coin of Constantius II
Henry II penny
Elizabeth I two pence
George III shilling
Roman coin of Constantinus I (Constantine)
Edward I half groat
Elizabeth I three half pennies

2 and a half years of coming home soaked, freezing and covered in mud...

This was my cat Mooshka who sadly passed away on the 9th of July 2009, miss her:

I've had threematosis views today:

Visitor Map
Create your own visitor map!

Test things:

I am a bit liberal, click to find out whether you are a Nazi:

Note no "very high" ratings, I'm quite sane you know:
Paranoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizoid Personality Disorder:Moderate
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:High
Borderline Personality Disorder:Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:High
Dependent Personality Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:High

-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --

Never been anywhere near the front page or even best page in an image challenge. This from the Evolution challenge has had the most clicks:

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Pointless Experiments

Scat cat
Question: What will happen if I swing my grandparents cat by its back legs?

Answer: I will get covered in shit.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 14:58, More)

» Narrow Escapes

Marrow escapes

Anyone want any marrows/got any marrow recipes?
(Fri 20th Aug 2010, 11:01, More)

» Get Rich Quick

Part 1 - Nice one matey!

Back in the day or 1993 if you prefer, my mate Erad had an old ambulance. A plan was hatched to get into the Glastonbury festival which involved:
tarting up said ambulance
a flashing blue light for the roof
siren noises
ambulance driver uniforms

So the ambulance was cleaned and buffed with T-Cut, windows blacked out, new go faster stripes applied. Magnetic flashing blue light was purchased from industrial suppliers. Speaker was placed under bonnet and wired to £1 special effects key-ring. Blue caps and pullovers were purchased from same industrial suppliers.

We were ready to go but how does this relate to money making? That was in the form of a massive stack of crates of the most piss-weak lager known to man purchased from Netto for the princely sum of 25p per can.

Worked like a dream, two in uniform in the front, another 5 hidden in the back. We drove in through the exit, light flashing, siren sounding pretty iffy but who's to question it? Security just waved us through. Found a nice quiet spot obscurred by some big traveller buses and the selling of the wank-beer could begin.

Sold out in no time, had to put the price up from £1 per can to £1.50. I remember one chap asking "is it any good?". "No it's piss" I replied. "I'll have 4 please" said he.

Great weekend spending our ill-gotten gains.

Part 2 - Bastards!

Tried the same trick again next year but made the mistake parking in an area that had to be cleared to erect a stage. Thrown out. Beer confiscated. Ambulance impounded costing £150 to get out which we didn't have so I phoned my girlfriend and her dad paid it, the shame.

The police interrogation was quite a laugh, lots of daft questions like "do you turn up at the scenes of accidents?". Yeah we're necrophilliacs. The Chief Super or whatever he was called said "If I see you again this weekend I'm going to shove you right up my arse", some West Country custom? "Can I have that in writing" I said. He went a slightly more purple shade of purple.

Happy daze.
(Thu 31st Jul 2008, 19:09, More)

» Celebrities part II

I used to live near Rod Hull
One day, I was walking the dog past his house and I saw that Rod was up on his roof. He appeared to be fixing his TV aerial. I shouted "Oi! Rod" and waved. He just disappeared down the other side of the roof, didn't wave or anything. Miserable bastard.
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 16:57, More)

» Unemployed

Thankyou helpful bloke with beard
Don't know your name, sorry.

I put down on my jobseeker form that I was interested in accounting and computer programming roles even though I'd never had any sort of job since saturdays at Tesco when I was in the Sixth Form.

I enrolled on a book-keeping evening course at the local college but those few weeks convinced me that accounting wasn't for me so IT it was then.

When I went to sign on, I asked woman with an attitude whether there were any computer programming courses I could go on. "We don't do anything like that" she said in her condescending tone.

A few weeks later I signed on at helpful bloke with beard's desk. He looked at my notes and said "I see you're interested in computer programming, we offer a course in C++, would you like to go on it?".

So for 16 weeks I travelled to Cambridge most days. Couldn't afford every day as £35 per week Income Support plus the extra £10 they gave me for attending the course didn't leave much change after the £7 per day rail fair. I did complete the course though and thoroughly deserved my NVQ4 in C++ programming.

This enabled me to get my first proper job as a Junior Developer and has put me on a path of ever increasing salaries and eventually contracting. I now find myself sat at home for a few weeks between contracts with a pile of dosh in my business account, playing games and reading B3ta.

So, helpful bloke with beard, thanks for helping me and thanks for giving me a career.

And, woman with an attitude, I can but hope that you are as miserable on the inside as you are on the outside and that you are no longer employed in a role that allows you to fuck up young people's chances of getting the help and encouragemnent that they need.
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 14:54, More)
[read all their answers]