» Helicopter Parents

Tony Hart had nothing on this.
My mum told my dad to explain to me where babies come from. He was so embarassed he drew a cartoon strip. He can't draw. I am still mentally scarred.
(Sun 13th Sep 2009, 21:05, More)

» That's me on TV!

I hate my eighteen year old self.
I was on Blockbusters and managed to make an utter dick of myself. Firstly I actually said 'I really need a P please Bob'. Then I answered 'which 'D' followed the yellow brick road?' with 'Doris' - my Gran's name (although she was dead chuffed she got a namecheck) Somehow I managed to win a goldrun and the prize was a weekend in a canoe in Shrewsbury, the highlight of which was being bitten on the ear by a swan whose nest i'd disturbed by being generally crap at canoeing (served me right really). The weirdest thing about the whole experience was being summoned to the Headmaster's office about a month later to be told the school had received a very sexually explicit letter from a viewer addressed to me. Who in God's name writes pervy letters to Blockbusters contestants? And why did they tell me about it? I've not been able to handjive since.
First post. Sorry if it's poo.
(Tue 16th Jun 2009, 22:41, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

I've always had strange taste in men (sorry love)
Neil Tennant, Bill Murray and the West Brom manager Brian Talbot were on my bedroom wall twenty years ago.
When I was 15 I was the only girl in a computer studies class. Long, long hours were spent writing in Basic (10 You smell 20 Goto 10 etc.) and the boy sat opposite me (I'll call him Benny) developed a bit of a crush on me. God knows why. 15 year old Betty was very naive, geeky and unattractive..I didn't even have my first kiss until I was 17. He used to walk me home and we went to the pictures once but to be honest real boys scared me so i wasn't very interested. Once Benny realised I wasn't interested the poetry began, then the 'drawings' and then he began sitting on the wall outside my house. Eventually my dad had to go out and tell him that if he didn't clear off he'd have to get all 'dadly' on his ass. Anyway all went quiet, twenty two years passed and I didn't think of this lad at all. Indeed when my child was born I called him 'Benny' as it's also my Grandad's name. Imagine my fear when I get a message from Stalkers reunited.."I see you called your son after me. You've obviously spent twenty years thinking of me as i have you" AAAAARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH.
(Fri 6th Nov 2009, 11:44, More)

» Family Feuds

"We don't need no education....."
When my brother was about 13 he smashed a hole in his bedroom wall with a cricket bat. As you do. Stupidly he enlisted my help in covering up this terrible crime with a cunningly applied poster of the A team. I then proceeded to blackmail the poor sod for the next three years until we moved by whistling Pink Floyd's greatest hit whenever he irritated me.
(Sat 14th Nov 2009, 18:24, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Serves me right for having such a shite ringtone..
The Headmaster came to see me to tip me off that the head most scary OFSTED inspector was coming to see me teach my super loopy 12 year olds. Much sleep was lost, many hours were spent cutting up sorting cards and devising super cutting edge teaching resources and most importantly I rounded them all up and warned them that this was a very important lesson, that I wanted them to try their very best and that if anyone dicked about I would cause them intense physical pain with my bare hands and go round their houses and kill their pets. The day dawned and they all...bless them..behaved themselves, asked questions and generally did me proud. Until five minutes before the end of the lesson when MY mobile phone in my pocket begins to blare out "Something kinda oooooh" which sparks the whole bloody class singing along. I leap across my desk to retrieve the phone from my jacket pocket, turn it off and bellow "QUIIEETTTTT!". The whole class go silent apart from one lad carrying on the conversation he'd just started with his mate.."...well I'd definitely shag Cheryl cos she looks well dirty" Luckily the inspector was a nice bloke, I begged him not to tell the Head and swore I would never forget to turn my phone off again ever, nothing more was said and I still got a good report.
BTW if you are a teacher make sure you delete anything even remotely dodgy on your phone..one poor lady scientist dropped her phone in the playground and by the end of the week the whole of Year 11 had seen her giving her chap a lapdance. Ouch.
(Wed 5th Aug 2009, 11:50, More)