b3ta.com user boltneck
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Profile for boltneck:
Profile Info:

I'm a lazy sod who has now quit smoking and i REALLY miss it. I now spend my time either working my ass off, playing with tattyshop and I'm no longer waiting for the birth of little boltneck. Boltneck is now a dad and can't get the smile of his face.

Recent front page messages:

Do a little dance,
make a little love, get down tonight!

My first F/P!!!!! WOOOOO!!
(Sun 31st Aug 2003, 23:02, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Hidden Treasure

Found in my attic
a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time.

I left some treasure for the utter twat who shouted at my little girl and made her cry (she's only 22 months old so you know he's a wanker) just because she was playing near the area he was searching with his metal detector. Put the windshield up, dug a small hole, curled out a ripe one and chucked a handfull of small change in with it. Moved on up the beach to watch this arsehole work his way down to the spot. His detector beeped and he dug for the booty. His scream kept me smiling for days.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 17:21, More)

» Toilets

A few years back
me and a few mates were knocking around town having a few afternoon refreshments when one of the group felt the urge to go. Looking round he went to the nearest bog in the local shopping centre closly followed by me, needing to get rid of several pints.
He darts into the bog and takes position in trap number one and starts trying to heave out a massive grogan. I'm spraying liberal amounts of piss around as I can't aim strait from laughing at the tortured sounds coming over the partion wall. 'How can I make this a more enjoyable experience for him?' I think to myself and come up with the simple idea of switching off the light to shit in total darkness. CLICK
It was at that exact moment that he was straing his hardest, eyes screwed tightly shut with concentration and grunting that he didn't hear the click or see the lights go out. There was a splash and a relieved sigh quickly followed by panicked screams as he thought he'd ruptured the blood vessels in his eyes with the effort of giving birth to the baby bog fish and sent himself blind.
A concerned shopper comes in to see what's going on to find themselves confronted with a darkend toilet, one man in the cubicle whimpering about his eyes and me almost doubled over and crying with silent laughter.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 0:31, More)

» Heckles

The missus wasn't impressed but I found it funny
when I took her to see Return of the King, it got towards the end of the movie and the scene with Frodo and Sam on the rock thinking they were going to die there and the emotional speech by Sam there came the very clear voice of a child saying "JUST FUCK HIM AND GET OVER WITH!" I was in hysterics and she tutted.
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 18:16, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Back when boltneck was a wee young thing
The family went on a camping trip down to the south coast. I first learnt to swear when my Father whilst trying to reverse the car and trailer back out of the tiny back lane that was supposed to be a short cut uttered the immortal sentance "THIS FUCKING TRAILER HAS A FUCKING MIND OF IT'S FUCKING OWN!!!! BASTARD!!"

The most memorable event of the holiday was me and my brother playing 'The Professionals' with spud guns. We decided to raid the toilet block and doing my best Bodie impression I kicked one of the doors open and went in firing. I will never forget the look on the poor bastards face as he sat there trying to give birth to a baby bog fish, as some maniac kid comes bursting in and shoots him right between the eyes with a chunk of potato and runs back out. I spent the next two days hiding from him and laughing from various places as he went by.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 1:01, More)

» Vandalism

Saw this one a few years back
written on the cubicle wall at the Membury services

Stardate 2436.8
Beamed down for a shit.

It made me laugh.
I also have a habit of when someone at work pisses me off, I will write their mobile number on the wall of random toilets along with the promise of watersports and submissive acts. They then recieve 'interesting' calls and texts.
(Sat 9th Oct 2010, 21:30, More)
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