b3ta.com user Squid Ink
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Recent front page messages:

been away - have these bindun?

(Mon 10th Mar 2008, 21:05, More)

Sign Jokes Gold

[Edit] Woohoo - FP. Ta!
(Mon 9th Feb 2004, 15:21, More)

I knew there was a reason I didn't like sprouts...

(Thu 11th Dec 2003, 14:43, More)


(Fri 14th Nov 2003, 11:55, More)

Doubts over the authenticity of the gun were soon raised...

(Tue 7th Oct 2003, 11:37, More)

No wonder he went mental

Try as he might, Vincent couldn't get the damn thing to go together straight.
(Tue 19th Aug 2003, 13:17, More)

Die Gelben Seiten

(Mon 31st Mar 2003, 15:36, More)

(Mon 17th Mar 2003, 16:06, More)

A unique interpretation of the Dolly Parton classic

(Wed 5th Mar 2003, 15:19, More)

Unleash the Dogs of War
5 days since he was split from his unit behind enemy lines, all he could think about was home. How he missed Mary-Lou.....

(Fri 21st Feb 2003, 12:26, More)

Hasty reworking
of www.b3ta.com/board/714485

(Fri 24th Jan 2003, 12:19, More)

No. 1 of an occasional series

(Thu 16th Jan 2003, 13:48, More)


(Wed 18th Dec 2002, 16:58, More)

I'll get you my pretty...
...and your little Toto too! Hee! Hee! Hee!

(Tue 10th Dec 2002, 11:04, More)

Meanwhile, back at my flat........
....work is going slowly on my roof repairs

(Mon 2nd Dec 2002, 14:48, More)

A long, long time ago on an island far, far away

*Edit* Just thought of a title for it
(Mon 2nd Dec 2002, 12:38, More)

Meanwhile on the surface of Tatooine.....

(Thu 28th Nov 2002, 16:22, More)

It was all planned...
He'd take her to Goodwood in the Bentley for a day at the races and then, over a champagne picnic by crikey, yes, he would ask Millicent to marry him.

Ahhh, having found the love of a good woman the reckless days for this young pup were over..
(Wed 27th Nov 2002, 14:41, More)

Unseasonally early festive joke
"Away In Pret A Manger"

(Wed 27th Nov 2002, 12:12, More)

Koala Squad

We *are* the Law
(Thu 21st Nov 2002, 12:55, More)

The simmering tensions between Paul and John
after MacCartney rejected Yoko's original concept for the cover were to lead to the band's eventual split.

(Thu 14th Nov 2002, 16:07, More)

Best answers to questions:

» IT Support

Kind of IT support-ish...
Overheard in PC World at Heathrow Terminal 5 two weeks ago:

German-sounding customer pointing at iMac: Excuse me, is the monitor included with this price?

PC World "technician": Ummmmmmmmmm..... I'm not sure. I'll just have to check with someone.

(Thu 24th Sep 2009, 13:31, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Student poverty can lead many people to desperation. Deciding I wasn't likely to make much as a rentboy left me with only one option - the Golden Arches.

Never have a I been surrounded by such a bunch of freaks, wierdos and losers, and this being a MaccyD's in Wales, the standard was especially low/high (*delete according to your point of view).

The first (and only) day I was 'mentored' by a guy called John. At first he seemed odd but OK. He mentioned he was in a band. He said I should see them play next. I asked what style of music they played. "Oh, you know, Christian Rock I guess some would call it. I wouldn't say that exactly - we're just 4 guys celebrating the love of God through music".

As the evening got busier, he then started to motivate the staff by shouting things like "Come on people! Lets have some hustle here!" and "Hey ho! Let's go!". The final straw came when he shouted something about God and the guy on the fries 'station' high-fived him.

I took off my apron and left.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 12:04, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Where do I start.....?
An all boys grammar school in the early 80's was a feckin' magnet for them:

1) Mr Caskell - strongly rumoured to have shown a 6th form physics class a video of himself shitting onto a plate
2) Mr Prince - woodwork teacher who would demonstrate the sharpness of chisels to each new intake of pupils by slicing the top of his thumb open with one an showing them the wound
3) Mr Begley - thin weedy Computer Studies teacher who used to drive a Ford Transit with a matress in the back officially so that his wife and he could camp in it. It was no suprise when he was jailed after molesting a student some years later...

2 great RE teachers as well. Mr Coffee who was a born-again nutter. My mate used to sit at the front of the class (an alphabetical order arrangement) and Mr Coffee used to caress his bible as he banged on about God's Love - it was more like an evangelist meeting than a lesson. The other one was the Rev Richards - routinely used to come to afternoon lessons pissed out of his head and spent the beginning of one lesson trying to get everyone to eat pear drops. Took us on a trip to see a play in London, spent most of the interval necking G&Ts in the bar then drove us back in the minibus in rush hours traffic swearing out open sliding driver's door at cabbies (whilst wearing his dog collar)
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 16:54, More)

» Road Rage

Country road in Oxfordshire and I'm pootling along with the missus, when the standard Chav'd up Nova (alloy wheels, ridiculous exhaust, colour scheme of white paint and grey filler, baseball-capped, goldie-chained neanderthals inside) comes screaming down the outside of me as we approach a blind corner.

Obviously, something suddenly appears coming the other way and I have a split-second to weigh up the two options of a) either braking heavily myself to give them room to swing in in front of me; or b) stay as I am, forcing them to choose between piling into the oncoming car or taking their chances with the hedge on the righthand side of the road (its amazing how quick the mind can work).

Out of consideration for the other car I go for option a). I'm hard on the anchors, the Nova swings in in front of me, there's blaring horns, flashing lights and a little tyre smoke from the other car. A nasty accident narrowly avoided.

The Nova driver and his mate shows their appreciation for my generous gesture by giving me wanker signs out of the window before subjecting me to a brake test as we head down the next straight. The resultant chase down the road was only brought to a halt by my missus' cries of fear.

With my masculinity in tatters, I give in to her pleads and allow the twats the pleasure of thinking they won, my mind full of thoughts of what might have been had I been on my own (of course, had I been on my won they wouldn't have caught up with me in the first place).

So you can imagine my glee 15 minutes later when we came round a corner to find - at the end of a long set of skidmarks leading to a hole in a fence - two dazed looking chavs in a field surveying their Nova, now on its roof and surrounded by cows.

Should any of the people who had stopped to help be reading this, you now will understand why the driver of a red Golf went past the scene joyfully beeping its horn and waving the wanker sign out the window....
(Mon 16th Oct 2006, 13:10, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

Fasthosts Internet (No) Service Provider
It was alittle while ago as soon after this episode I dropped them as our company's webhost, but during a time of severe technical crisis that they claimed was in no way related to their recent upgrade of the server I was on hold on their helpline for a full 40 minutes. The on-hold music was:

The theme to Star Wars
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
The Birdie Song
Itsy-bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini

...on a loop, down the telephone.

Needless to say when one of their fuckwit support staff did take my call I was not in a good mood.
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 17:00, More)
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