b3ta.com user Dr Zoidberg
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» I'm going to Hell...

Im an Undertaker
and generally i hate all religion because ive seen lots and lots of young people die of terminal illness or road accidents etc and have had to endure a preachy vicar saying how 'god chose them' and 'it was their time.' Thats bollocks to me, die when you're old.

Anyway, im going to hell because any funeral I have to sit through is normally spent trying to make my colleagues laugh and generally mocking weird hymns in the books and what not. Also rating all the female mourners in what order i would have sex with them
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 22:14, More)

» The Dark

Just last night
I was walking up my cul-de-sac, in the dark, after a few pints, looking at my phone, when I walked straight in to one of my neighbours cars. It was quite funny and I hope no-one saw me
(Wed 29th Jul 2009, 7:23, More)

» Conspiracy theory nutters

Crop circles and UFOs
Once at work, me, the boss and the manager made some crop cricles in a nearby field. A couple of days later we submitted pictures of them to a crop circle website, a few days later some hippies experts came down and checked them out. They concluded that it had to be aliens as they were running exactly on top of 'water lines' and the pattern (3 circles) was some cosmic symbol. This was very funny to read as we just walked through a field with a ladder and a piece of rope and flattened some corn in a few places.

Later that evening, we filled some bin bags with helium balloons and attached some glow sticks. We let them off in various places but never heard anything else. I hope at least one person spotted them as they did look quite good, all green and floating around.

Pictures of the circles can be found on cropcircleconnector.com but you need a membership for the archive and im not paying £21 for it!
(Sat 29th Aug 2009, 16:07, More)

» Pubs

In my local
A few years ago, the stereotypical 'regular with a chip on his shoulder' was being a complete twat as usual, only this time, he had his dog with him.

Im not totally sure what happened leading up to this event but the dog was sick on the carpet and local man ate some of the spew. This has gone down in local folk law and I always tell this tale whenever he is seen.
(Thu 5th Feb 2009, 21:35, More)

» Down on the Farm

A popped ball
Back when I were young, my nan lived on a farm. I used to amuse myself daily there and not even get killed by machinery. Once, I was playing football (kicking it as far and high as possible) when the ball got stuck in a tree.

After much attempted climbing I told nan and feared the ball was lost forever. The milking man (bit of a simpleton) overheard my tale of sadness and said 'I can get it back for you'

I waited with bated breath, longing to smash a few more (imaginary) halfway line goals.

A few minutes and a few shotgun cartridges later I was presented with the shredded remains of my lovely ball!

The dozy git had shot my ball down from the tree!
(Tue 29th May 2012, 18:15, More)
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