» Pointless Experiments

Tricked out sardine, crying child, upset old lady.
I had the 'pleasure' of spending the last 7 years of my life working for the wonderful establishment of Tesco. Most of which was on the counters, as lowly assistant and eventually as manager.

Being stuck in a dead-end job with an
over-active imagination can help one come up with many fascinating, yet pointless experiments.

One such resulted in a small child almost being blinded and some poor innocent old dear being yelled at, whilst the guilty party (yours truly) got away scot-free!

My experiment was to see how many people I could trick into thinking the fish on the fish counter were still alive.

I ran a wire underneath the ice, attaching one end to my foot and one to a sardine.

Wiggling my foot whilst serving customers gave the impression the fish was not dead yet, and flipping about trying to escape it's morbid situation.

Most people stared for a few seconds before shaking their head and wandering off. One old dear got upset and tried to find a bucket of water to save the sardine.

But then my innocent little experiment took a turn for the worse.

Que 'Timmy', an inquisitive little 6 year old with a love for fish. He loved coming to the supermarket to marvel at the colourful motionless little critters on the ice. Suddenly, one of them started to violently flip out, making its way rapidly toward him across the counter.



He fled, terrified.



Face first into a basket held by a passing old dear.



It would not have been so bad but his eye made contact with the corner of said basket, letting out a (satisfying!) squelch! Choas erupts, as Timmy's mother yells at the old lady for carelessly gouging little Timmys eye. She then turns her anger onto little Timmy, whacking him around his already sore head for being so stupid as to lie to her and tell her the (now motionless) fish were alive and trying to get him.His screams could be heard from the carpark.

In the background, Roddimus slowly exits stage left, trying not to die of laughter.

I may not have finished my experiment, but at least I could take delight in ruining 3 people's day! Oops!

Pop! First post after 5 years lurking!

Length, etc.
(Wed 30th Jul 2008, 14:52, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Organ Humour
This story comes not strictly from a holy place, but does involve a very old air powered organ used for daily hymns at a young Prime's old school.
The size of the organ was, quite frankly, ridiculous in comparison to the assembly hall. Mighty grey pipes stretched up to the ceiling, through decades old intricate oak carvings, waxed and polished lovingly to form the pride center piece of the school.
This organ was located at the very front of the main school hall, in full view of all the students. It was a huge source of pride for the Head Master, an ageing hulk of a man with a fiery temper.

The 800 or so students had filed into the hall as usual for morning assembly and hymns, being congratulated on the school's triumphs and scalded for incidents of bad behavior, nothing unusual. Then came the time for the first hymn, a rousing number with a powerful opening chord. Organist at the ready, head teacher's chest swelling ready to lead the praise, the organ burst into life....

....and promptly fired out hundreds of ping pong balls the students had placed in the tubes the previous night.
(Tue 6th Sep 2011, 12:46, More)

» My most gullible moment

Captain Birdseye
I managed to convince one of the older ladies I used to work with in Tesco that all the Captain Birdseye products had to be removed from the shelf.

After she enquired as to why, I told her he had been promoted to Admiral Birdseye, so they had to update all the packaging.

I only told her the truth after she made a right fool of herself in front of 10 of her friends!

Hook...line...and sinker. She is still as gullable and lovely as ever!
(Wed 27th Aug 2008, 17:14, More)

» Food sabotage

Wee and Poo is Tea is so unoriginal...
I'd love to say this prank was mine, such the originality and simplicity of it.

Mike, for that was his name, was drinking his tea in the Tesco staff canteen. A lovely cuppa, he tilted it back, only to see in the end of the mug was...


A whole salmon eye, staring back at him.

Was he sick? Yes - violently! Huzzah!
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 17:19, More)

» Breasts

Most men talk with their hands....
....it is a well known fact that us men can not just rely on the power of speech, we have you use our hands and bodies to illustrate what it is we are actually saying. For example, "I'll call you" is usually accompanied by raising ones hand, with the thumb and forefinger representing the phone, "It was massive" is always accompanied by outstretches arms.. you get the idea.

So, when saying "Can I help you with the drinks" to the Girlfriend's mother,it seemed perfectly acceptable for me to outstretch both my hands as if I was holding 2 pints. What I did not expect was for her to turn around and step toward me, not realising how close I was.

Yes, in full view of over 20 members of my girlfriend's family, I appeared to be copping a feel of both of my future mother in law's breasts.

I am now referred to as 'the perv'.

*cries*
(Mon 10th May 2010, 10:28, More)