b3ta.com user slipmatt
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» Shops and Supermarkets

Only just today in a coffee shop
I was gagging for a cup of tea whilst shopping so i went to a coffee shop that served good old english breakfast tea. i waited for the woman infront of me be served by a strangely accented woman.
My mouth was as parched as gandhi's flip flop as i said, "a cup of english breakfast tea please"
"would you like some morphine with that?"
"MORPHINE????" i declared at the top of my voice
"yes, morphine" as she pointed to the muffins
(Tue 15th May 2012, 17:25, More)

» Caught!

shit in a lift
i once took a dump in a ferrys lift between harwich to hook of holland. have you ever tried to find a toilet on a ferry in the maze of corridors?
as soon as the doors opened someone walked in, and i walked out.
a perfectly laid log on the lifts floor..
(Tue 8th Jun 2010, 8:01, More)

» Complaining

Casablanca Towers
i have written many letters of complaint in my time and have had successes and failures. one time i was in morocco, in an ok-ish hotel and they gave me the shittiest, cockroache ridden dump of a broom cupboard situated somewhere in the depths of the hotels many floors. as my arabic wasn't up to scratch the only was i felt i could complain was to turn the place upside down, wank furiously many many times over the floor and leave the tap running with the plug in
(Fri 3rd Sep 2010, 11:36, More)

» Ouch!

Chilli Willy
I was in my mid 20s cooking up a delightful pasta dish for myself. Now i nomally stick chilli flakes in everything i eat because i like it hot so i tipped a few into the bubbling culinary feast. All i had to do now was let it cook for about 20 minutes. What can i do to pass the time i thought. "i know! i'll have a wank!" Whilst strumming on my trumpet my thoughts turned from shagging my lovely large breasted neighbour to remembering i hadn't washed my hands of chilli flakes. I looked down to see my purple helmet was more a bright red and the size of an apple! It was practically on fire so i placed it under the tap of the hand basin and gave it an immediate cold shower. Subsequently i started laughing at the whole scene, wiped the tears from my eyes and writhed in agony as i couldn't see for the next 10 minutes!
(Fri 30th Jul 2010, 17:46, More)

» Drugs

Mushies straight from the fields
a couple of times i've picked mushies straight from a field. after waiting the 20 minutes, i'd usually piss myself laughing, get 3D type vision, and then finish off by emptying my churning stomach contents into my underwear!
i couldn't get my jeans off in time
(Thu 16th Sep 2010, 17:15, More)
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