b3ta.com user callombard
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American bloke. Lives in San Francisco (which, come to think of it, might not really qualify as America; God knows the conservative talk radio people think so). Likes doing strange things.

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» My sex misconceptions

I live in San Francisco
which is the sexual-liberation capital of the United States, so a lot of this might just be down to living here and being the kind of person who was drawn to moving here. (No, I'm not gay.)

Any man who enjoys ass play must be gay. (Discovered to be a misconception when I realized that I was fantasizing about having butt sex with Halle Berry, Bettie Page, and the ridiculously adorable girls who lived a few floors down from me instead of Rupert Everett, Ashton Kutcher, and my RA. (Although, to be perfectly honest, I might still do Ashton as long as I got a chance to play with Demi as well. MILF with a capital everything, and he's not half bad either.) In any event, gents, it's something to look into if you're interested in something more involved than your usual Jodrell Bank.)

Straight, gay, and bi are the only options. (A lot of folks--including me, I think--are "heteroflexible." They're men mostly interested in women or women mostly interested in men, but will still suck some cock or eat some pussy under the right circumstances, which usually involve being with a primary opposite-sex partner at the time as well. I've never had a threesome, but I hope to soon. Alas, Demi and Ashton aren't returning my calls.)

You can't fit more than two fingers into a woman's vagina. (Early in my sexual career, I had a GF who enjoyed getting fisted, and to this day I've been proud of my abilities in the hand-sex department, regardless of how many fingers were in use. Gloves and lube, folks!)

K-Y is the only lube available (well, maybe Astroglide if you're kinky), and it's only of use if your partner is an old, dried-up slut. (NO NO NO! I've always used lube even with my wettest partners, many of whom were older than me (and I'm only 28).)

Cooking is for submissive '50s women. (I once had a GF who physically shook when I fed her chocolate, although that was a takeaway from a restaurant we ate at earlier that evening. The point is that success in the kitchen can lead to success in the bedroom. Don't lean too much on the heavy sauces and such--you're hoping to be physically active afterwards, right?)

Women don't enjoy anal sex--"a maiden before and a martyr behind," I believe, is the phrase. (I've had a few GFs who liked anal, and one who couldn't come without some butt play. (Men like it because of their prostates, women like it because the part of the clit you see isn't the man in the boat, it's the man's head, and his legs straddle the rectum.) For those who doubt this, I have three things to say: plastic is good (wear gloves or use a condom), be VERY generous with the lube, and go slowly! Start with a finger--just playing with the outside of the anus, not penetrating--and don't have goals beyond having a good time.)

Virgins are better. (Let's say you really like chess. Would you rather play against someone who still needs to be reminded how the pawns capture, or someone with a little experience under their belt?)

Things like tying your partners up and dripping hot wax on them are strictly for perverted freaks who won't live to see the age of 40. (Well, maybe I'm a perverted freak, and it'll take a little over a decade to find out about the death part, but I'm virtually certain it won't be from tying people up or being tied up. As long as you have half a brain in your head and bother to use it, there's no reason it needs to be dangerous. In fact, it can be quite a lot of fun. :-D )

Men don't like snuggling. (Post-sex cuddles are the BEST. 100% fact. I am a huge cuddleslut and make no apologies for it.)

Condoms are only for protecting against pregnancy. (They also protect against most STDs, which is why they're important even for gay blokes, and they make cleaning sex toys SO much easier. Peel it off, stick it in the bin, and maybe wash it with soap and water; job's done.)

If you love someone, you should commit to only having sex with them and nobody else for the rest of your life. (What's more important? That your partner isn't having sex with anyone else or that most of the time, when your partner does have sex, it's with you? (Regardless of whether there are other people about, or as long as they consent, have their genitals in their mouth.) Q.v. The Ethical Slut.)

Orgasms are the goal and most important part of sex. (It takes me a long while to come (as it did the GF from a few grafs ago), and I've had quite a lot of amazing sex without orgasms.)

Penis-in-vagina sex is the main event, and anything else is a distraction. (As lovely as penis-in-vagina sex is, there are excellent points to be made in the favor of penis-on-vulva, penis-in-mouth, mouth-on-vulva, penis-in-hand, hand-on-vulva, hand-in-vagina, penis-in-rectum, hand-on-anus, and hand-in-rectum sex, as well as mouth-on-anus, penis-on-penis, and vulva-on-vulva, although I only know those last three from reports. The point is: be inventive! It's like going to the buffet and only eating macaroni and cheese! There's a whole world of sexual stimulation out there; you need only to find it. Don't worry if it's not your thing, as something will come along later that is. And if it wasn't your thing before but you're curious about it, try it again--it just might be that you weren't with the right partner or in the right place to experience that sexually. (Oddly enough, this applies to food as well. No, I don't mean having sex with cucumbers or melons, you filthy bastards.))

Shaved pubic hair is hot. (For about an hour and a half; then itchy, bristly stubble comes up and irritates hell out of you and your partner. I've found trimming it back to a half-inch or so to be the best option.)

It is never proper to masturbate with other people around. (Sure, you shouldn't whip it out on a crowded train in the middle of the city, but my best wanks have always been with a special lady watching me. Once I even hit the wall at the head of the bed. (ok, no more bragging))

Porn always involves close-up shots of the genitals. (Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Beautiful Agony, a site filled with videos of sexy people having orgasms, all shot from the shoulders up. Virtually everyone who digs porn to whom I have shown this has gotten the raging horn thereafter.)

Short-haired, androgynous, pierced, tattooed women are always lesbians. (True, many are, but the ones who aren't tend to be outstanding shags and even better pillow talk. Although this might simply be playing to my fetishes.)

Finally: do your Kegels! The women who did have uniformly been better in bed than the ones who didn't, which I think is equal parts better muscle tone and better awareness of the genitals, if not more of the latter. You're not off the hook either, guys--you can have more and better orgasms that way.

Argh, now I'm all horny. Any sexy b3tans in the San Francisco area feel the same way? Gaz me (and where did that word, in the sense of "send a message to," come from, by the way? Is this just a UK thing?), we may be able to figure something out.

(Hey, you don't get anywhere without optimism . . .)

Perhaps surprisingly after how candid I've been, I feel that a length joke would be in poor taste, but I'll put in a *pop!* for my b3ta cherry. Cheers.

(Edit: Also, if you want something that you're not getting in your current relationship, whether sexual or not, ask! If you don't ask, you don't get; it's as simple as that.)
(Thu 2nd Oct 2008, 4:30, More)