» Schadenfreude

Dad
I apologise if this story applies to you, but twas told me by a now retired Sister in A&E. Yes it involves Bottoms....
Back in the day , The days of a bit of a wait in a&e ,you know-" the good old days",, there was a gaurdian of the department called the "Triage Nurse".
This nurse would screen people coming in, and put you in priority of waiting to be seen- ie-
1.Arm hanging off- straight through- priority one
2.bit pissed and mouthy- can wait a bit to see if sobers up- priority 2
3.a bit of a cold- sit and wait long time, hopefully will realise waste of time and go home.- priority 3.

Now the next to be called had been waiting 20 mins in the waiting room, looked fine, if a little anxious.- Now picture this chap- A young welsh Glyn from "Gavin and Stacey" would be closest.
Glyn was called through- and the conversation went thus-
Nurse:Hello , My name is Jill, what seems to be the problem?
Glyn:Errr
Nurse:It`s ok how can I Help??
Glynn:Can`t tell you..( in broad welsh accent)
Nurse: Honestly You can, we`re here to help.
Glynn:Noooo, Can`t tell you.
Nurse: why not??
Glynn:( in whisper) Too embaressing)
Nurse:Thats Ok , we get allsorts in here,now whats the problem??
Glynn:( in high pitched welsh accent squeak)- Noooo, can`t tell you, it`s too embaressing
Nurse:(exasperated) Right ,In that case Go and sit down gain, and when you can, come and tell me, we`ve got a full waiting room.

So for the next 4 hours Glynn sat in the waiting room. Occasionally Nurse Jill would look over and mouth" ready"- to which glynn would avoid eye contact, and mumble"nooo".

Eventually towards the early hours, and the department was cleared of the general Detritus of Drunks and casualties of life, Jill noticed Glynn still sitting there.
Nurse:- Look are you ready to tell us what the problem is??
Glynn- a movement, brief eye contact
Nurse: its ok
Glynn:It`s my, my fffather.
Nurse: your father ?/
Glynn:Yesss- (relieved in a broad welsh accent).
Nurse:What about your father??
Glynn:oooh I can`t tell you
Nurse: noo, Go on it`s fine
Glynn:He`s.... (mumble mumble mumble)
Nurse:What love I can`t hear you?
Glynn: (Gesturing with his hand-)Got a.. (Mumble mumble)(
Nurse: look ;love you`re going to have to speak up
Glynn: he`s got a ... up (mumble mumble)
Nurse: just tell us love..about your dad.
Glynn:(shouting out) HES GOT A TENNIS RACKET UP HIS BOTTOM
Silence a few beats......
Nurse: Well where is he??
Glynn: In the car..... In the car park....

Now picture pretty much every Nurse, doctor, porter in the department( well it was the early hours), now walking out into the car park, to find an elderly gentleman in the front seat of a mini metro, yep, with a tennis racket up his arse. The poor sod had been sitting there for several hours whilst his clearly socially exceptionally shy son had gone to get help.Just to help you picture the scene, he was unable to sit (obviously) and hence was in what can only be described as the " doggy position". with a tennis racquet up his arse, with people walking past, like this for several hours.....



Ps In case you wondered-he was fine, I believe it was a Slazenger, and you`d be surprised how many people will admit shoving stuff up their arses " just because" rather than bothering with a good excuse.
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 14:05, More)

» Unemployed

dole office.
A friend of mine had just left medical school, and had 2 months before he started his choosen profession proper. Amazingly(appallingly some might wonder), he could claim dole money whilst sitting on his arse congratulating himself.
soon the sunny days of sun, beer, and trying to impress the ladies with yes, I am a Doctor, ended and he had to " sign off" the dole.
The conversation went thus-
Him- " i`ve come to sign off"
Excited dole office girl- "Thats very good love, youv`e got a job now have you love?"
Him- " yes"
Her( whilst typing)" lovely, lovely, where you going to be working love??"
Him- " at XXXX hospital "
Her- " ohh lovely, what you going to be doing??"
Him- " umm, I1m going to be working as a houseofficer in the neurosurgical unit"
Her- " REALLYY?- I don`t remeber putting the card up for that one, how on earth did you manage to get that job love??"
Him- " Six years at medical school , working my tits off."
Her- " lovely, good luck then love."

Bless her.
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 10:53, More)

» The Credit Crunch

money saving idea.
I`ve been saving money for years now, simple energy equation really
4 bramley apples at teso £1.98 at 50 kilocalories each
1 donar kebab at mike`s kebabes £3 -1000 kilocalories each
thats 20 times more calories each kebab at a massive saving per kcal!!!
it makes economic and enviromental energy sense!!
mind you I weigh 25 stone and have pain down my arm as i write this.*







*I don`t, I made that bit up.
(Tue 27th Jan 2009, 13:20, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

The Classics
Pride and Predjudice, Jane austen, and particularly bloody shakespeare- all mindnumbingly boring to my mind.The pretentious fools that are thesps and gush over macbeth and the like, yet couldn`t tell you why grass is green. Now before you say that I is bitter and twisted(ie. UNEDUCATED AND POOR)- I can`t admit to that- Ive lots of letters after my name and a couple in front (thanks).
But I will never understand shakespeare- ashe wrote it for cash, he wrote in his contemporary times,it`s bloody hard to read/understand, and yet is interpreted in many ways usually off tangent.
Jane austen- she had to pretend to be a man to get published.
Poor old Terry Pratchett- he on the other hand is a bloody genius and yet is never mentioned.( apart from one book he wrote nation which is shite but he does have alzheimers.) His books sell in the millions, but admit to liking them in polite company and they think you are a retard, and yet they will quite pounce about with a "out damn spot" making no bloody sense at all.
Oh and don`t even get me started on Gilbert and Sullivan- jesus wept, something you can only like if you had a fag in your (posh) schooldays of the non nicotine kind.
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 13:17, More)

» Stuff I've found

A Hand
Not me technically, but a chap at college, spaceman Ed- who could have featured in last weeks qotw.
Picture the seen, 5 fresh faced young lasd eating dinner, making conversation about girls and stuff, when Spaceman ed pipes up
" Oh I forgot to tell you , We found a hand in our back garden ."
Conversation stops
"what???" says four quite alarmed confusci
"YES THERE`S A MURDER HUNT"
"WHERE????"
"at home" says spaceman
"what? our home?" says four even more alarmed housemates confusci.
"no my parents house" says spaceman- now his parents weren`t short of a bob or two, they had a house with a tennis court, but his dad washed his hair in washing up liquid. half the house was full of junk, the other faded grandeur.I digress
next question from mr confuscious
"when was this then??"
and the delightful reply, from our apted named fellow was
"weeks ago"
confucious he say" whatyoufoundahandinyourparentsbackgardenandyouforgottofuckingtellyourfuckingmates!!!!!"very quickly.
"yes..sorry...i must have forgotten..." says spaceman.
HOW THE CUN*YFU*K YOU CAN FORGET TO TELL YOUR MATES THERES A MURDER HUNT IN YOUR BACK GARDEN???
Anyhoo- turns out after the police investifgation- said hand was a mummified ancient hand and not the butler/cleaner/bastard son of spaceman.
But the spaced outtwat had forgot to tell us.
(Thu 13th Nov 2008, 15:28, More)