b3ta.com user PCheese
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What does a cow with no lips say?


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» Claims to Fame

Lenny Henry...
...lifted me on to an elephant when I was 6.

Lenny Henry is nice.

I asked my mum why he was made of chocolate.

He laughed and my mum went bright red.

Then the elephant had a poo and ruined the photo.
(Tue 1st Mar 2005, 16:12, More)

» Weddings

Oh dear vicar...
I was page boy to my parents friends wedding when I was about 14 and by "page boy" this meant I was given this behomoth of an archaic video camera and told to point it at the bride and groom and record the ceremony. His name was Morgan, hers... Mandy.

Oh the poor vicar was having such a hard time not saying it, but to his credit he got all the way to the "kiss the bride bit" before he said with gusto "Mork and Mindy - I now pronounce you man and wife".

There was a gentle titter of amusement, everyone surprised he'd held off for so long but then as the happy couple shared their first married kiss he leaned forward conspiringly and whispered "Nanoo Nanoo eh, I bet that happens all the time".
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 23:31, More)

» Weddings

Video Cameras
Incidentally - people who wish to capture the wonderous day for posterity need to take some notes here :

1) Hire a professional (I am not one).

2) If you fail to hire a professional and wish to provide said video camera yourself, at least ensure it works.

3) Also ensure the batteries are charged to prevent the poor schlub you deem responsible for the task of videoing said ceremony suffering an awkward moment where he says "ahh bollocking shite" very loudly as the power runs out half-way through the speeches.

4) Ensure your nominated videographer does not drink several double whiskeys before the main meal so that when it comes to "speech time" he is too inebriated to control the volume of his voice.

5) Do not, under any circumstances, allow the videographer to make suggestions to the bridesmaids about the money he could make with a video camera and three willing volunteers.

6) 90% of ladies frocks have "a special translucency" when viewed with the aid of a video cameras' green-light night-sight. This is an under-appreciated fact.

I still get asked to do weddings.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 23:42, More)

» You're a moviestar baby

Famed for taking a wrong turn?
My friend and I went to a nearby town to visit a mate and ended up taking a wrong turn through some "temporarily opened" police barriers onto a section of street that had been closed for a Royal Horse Parade or some such nonsense.

Of course, once we'd gotten inside the barriers we couldn't get out so the whole procession (which was televised nationally and I'm pretty sure included Princess Margaret) was lead by two idiots in a crappy blue nova.

We just had to wind the windows down and wave to the crowds as we went. And thousands waved back at us with expressions ranging from entertained bemusement to apopleptic rage.

Sheer bliss.
(Fri 12th Nov 2004, 17:02, More)

» Strict Parents

My parents lovingly forbade me from running on any form of concrete in case I fell and hurt myself. Grass was fine, concrete a no-no.

Such was the fear instilled in me by the parentals that the day I got myself caught in a barbed wire fence and ripped my arm to shreds I slowly paced the whole mile or so home.

Got home, got yelled at for being stupid, passed out and then got driven to the hospital by my mother who had no driving license and a whopping FOUR lessons under her belt.

They also banned me from playing with my friend Nick who listened to a lot of Ice-T and thought he was a ninja. I can understand that one.
(Thu 8th Mar 2007, 17:56, More)
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