» Buses

The wheels on the bus go round and round
Use to get the bus home from school every day. Journey was normally about 20 minutes but the closer we got to Christmas the longer and fuller the bus got. And the last week of school the bus was standing room only and you couldnt get another single (or married) person onboard

Sat up the back (because I was one of the hard kids) a couple of rows in front was a mum with a young daughter balancing her shopping on her lap. The little kid was standing next to her and was singing loudly. The only song she knew was The wheels on the bus

"The wheels on the bus go round and round.
Round and round
round and round
etc

But she only knew once verse. Which she then repeated again and again and again.

And whilst the first time was cute the 23rd time was more than slightly irritating.

So mum turned to her daughter and asked the little darling if she could sing something else.

At which point her daughter stopped and thought for a second before starting up again with

"Bodyform. Bodyform for YOUUUUUUUUU!

The bus laughed and the mum went red in the face.
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 13:24, More)

» Conspiracy Theories

The truth is out there
The X-Files, the cult 90's Sci-fi TV series created by Chris Carter was all about alien invasions and conspiracies and would Agents Mulder and Scully get it on. However you may not have realised that there was a hidden agenda behind the series.

But what no one asks is why he was called Fox. This isnt a common name and no one ever comments on it in the series. Some think that it is because the program is made by 20th Century FOX, but this misses the hidden message.

One of the driving points was Mulder's search for his missing sister
Mulder's missing sister is called Samantha, and if you put this with her brother you get the name of '80 Page 3 Stunna Samantha Fox. Chris Carter was in league with 20th Century Fox. (which is owned by Rupert Murdoch) to bring the Sun newspaper (also owned by Rupert Murdoch) along with Page 3 girls to the United States through subliminal mentions of its biggest star.

This may seem far fetched but if you read the X-Files encyclopeda if you look closely at an original script on page 18 you can see that in the first draft of the script, Agent Scully was originally called Agent Busty McTitts.

The truth is out there.
(Tue 6th Dec 2011, 12:50, More)

» School Days

Owl Stretching Time
Despite being at a Grammar School I was in the bottom set for French, this was basically the dozen worst pupils stuck in a room with the slightly psychotic teacher Mr K. Mr K was old school, called everyone by their surnames, and would regularly threaten students. Only one or two ever got a beating more through luck and the law than any self restraint on his part. The kid whose Dad had sold MR K a dodgy second hand porsche that broke down beyond repair after 4 months was one major target of his Ire.

He also had the sort of moustache that looked out of place anywhere other than the army or gay porn.

Given we were the bottom set basically meant we were the lazy ones or the ones the teachers didnt like and most of us were actually quite good at French at least by G.C.S.E standard.
French was always held in the same room a semi-underground room that also had a storeroom of it.

One day as we came into the class two of my classmates known as Meanly and Reid turned up each wrapped in a red curtain and with a cushion hidden underneath. They had also drawn swirly moustaches on their top lip with marker pens. They then went and hid in the storecupboard.

Not long after Mr K turned up. and in his usual angry way said to another pupil "SOUTHGATE. WHERE ARE MEANLY AND REID"
and southgate obviously in on the joke replied straight faced

"Well I didnt expect the Spanish Inquisition"

At which point the two lads jumped out of the storeroom menacingly holding their cloak and shouted.

"No one expects the spannish inquisition"

To which mr K straight face just said

"Get out" with no hint of emotion

the rest of the class then wet themselves laughing for a full 30 minutes.

If I have time the story of Gordon Browns moneymaking scheme will be revealed.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2009, 11:06, More)

» Weird Rituals

The demented headmaster
At secondary school our headmaster was lucky enough to have a house attached to the school as a perk of the job. Which also meant that he could leave home as late as possible.

One morning he was spotted by a late arrival coming out of his house and taking a weird meandering route up the driveway to the school. The next day he was observed again taking the same route and some bright spark twigged that he was standing on every manhole cover between his house and the school entrance.

The next day a number of the 6th form went out and stood on each of the manhole covers. The headmaster came out of his house, took a few steps and looked up to see his "drains blocked", and turned on his heels and walked back into the house.

He wasnt seen again for the rest of the week.
(Fri 16th Dec 2011, 12:24, More)

» Buses

Sir Arthur Conan Doyles rejected first draft.
Your theme this week reminds me of a story from the time before I moved in with my wife Sarah, and still lived with my good friend Mr Sherlock Holmes.

We had just finished the Mysterious Case of the Mysterious Case and the Adventure of the Purple Headed Spitting Snake of Sri Lanka, both of which I have previously regaled you with.

Holmes had spent the morning alone in his room fiddling, and came out about lunchtime to play on his violin. For some reason this morning he looked exactly like Robert Downey Junior.

"I bored" exclaimed Holmes and then walked over to the window to observe the street "However I believe that a tall darked haired gentleman with a slight limp dressed in a butlers outfit is about to offer us a job"

"Amazing Holmes" I said, how can you tell.

"Because he is standing right in front of us you twat" replied Holmes

"Good Afternoon Sirs" said the butler. "My name is Jeeves and I have come on behalf of my master Lord Baskerville. I believe his life is in danger."

Of course Holmes and I followed immedietly stopping only for Lunch, Dinner, take in a matinee performance at Mrs Miggins Music Hall experience, and a two week holiday in Skegness.

We sat on the first train out of Victoria station, with the journey to the west country planned to take only 5 hours.

"Watson, I hear that Earl Richard of Branson has plans to improve the service so that with in only 100 years it will take twice as long"

"Amazing Holmes" I replied "And are you currently wearing that Nuns outfit as a disguise against your arch nemesis Morriarty."

"No I just like the way it feels" He replied.

We arrived at Dusk that evening at Baskerville Hall. Where we were introduced to the 16th Lord Baskerville.

"Good evening your lordship" Said Holmes. "I can tell that you have recently been on a shooting holiday in the Dordogne, spent the last two days in the bathroom with a severe stomach infection and have secret desires for your housemaid."

"Amazing Holmes. How do you do that" I asked him

"Elementary my dear Watson. I just nicked his diary".

However at that point we were interupted by a demonic howl from outside.

The Lord ran and hid under the sofa, whilst Holmes, the butler and myself ran outside.

"His lordship is being terrorised by some evil being from beyond the grave" Explained the butler. "Either as part of a historic family curse or an incredibly convoluted plot to steal his family fortune from a long lost ancestor."

Then through the mist came two piercing red lights, and a sound like a revving diesel engine.

"Goodness Holmes. It looks like a possessed american style coach for going across country."
"No Watson. It is worse than that. It is the Greyhound of the Baskervilles".
(Wed 1st Jul 2009, 13:02, More)