b3ta.com user Bludfoot
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» Schadenfreude

Driving to Cornwall
With my Dad, Cousin and Uncle.
Happily going along the motorway in the fast lane. When some tit in a Audi comes right up the arse of my dad's car, honking his horn flashing his lights generally being a twat, my Dad gives him the finger as he swerves out and overtakes and we watch him continue up the motorway doing the same to any car he meets, weaving inbetween them all.
Around 5 miles later, we go past him and his car on the hard shoulder on it's side with him sitting on the verge crying. Luckily whilst managing to crash he'd done it without taking anyone else with him.
I think everyone slowed down as soon as they saw him to point and laugh.
(Tue 22nd Dec 2009, 2:44, More)

» Schadenfreude

French Pikeys
This summer I went to stay with some friends at my mate's parent's house in southern France, beautiful little village in the sticks right on the River Orb, anyway the main road through it is slightly uphill and I was standing with 3 friends as the little pikeys who all dress like Cristiano Ronaldo were going up and down the road on their mopeds.

So to set the scene we were standing downhill on a corner and I'd decided to walk uphill to the newsagent to buy some fags, and as i'm walking up one of the pikeys decides to come and be a badman and ride alongside me and stare me out, because French hillbilly's don't like the Anglais. Anyway as i'm walking he's riding along he's got his head turned all the way staring at me and I see he's about to crash into a parked car at 4mph.
So I maintain eye-contact as he crashes head-on into the parked car and flys off backwards and does a backwards rolly-polly. At which point the owner of the car who was in the newsagent comes running out, angrily jabbering in French and starts slapping him round the head, while i'm rolling around laughing as are my mates down the road having witnessed the whole thing.
Later that week we bumped into him (who we affectionately named Jean-Claude) with two mates, he tried to prove he was a big man by blocking the path with himself.

As we told him in English he should fuck off pulled out a rusty pen-knife with a white-flag attached and told us to "sook his duck", we laughed and carried on walking. We figured we'd let him think he'd banished us from his town.

Excuse for the length it was around 2 inches covered in rust
(Tue 22nd Dec 2009, 3:04, More)

» Celebrities part II

Once a few years back my mum's colleague was planning her wedding and herself and her husband had found a large manor house in the country with stunning views etc, room to hold a wedding party plus guests for the weekend.

Well anyway it was all booked and the bride was happy.
Around a month or so before the date the management at the house phoned up to say that an anonymus celeb wanted to book the house on the same weekend and she was phoning on their behalf to ask whether they would they consider changing it?

Of course this ruined plans and was a no no, so the lady on the phone said it was not a problem and that was that.
Around an hour later the groom gets a phonecall from the same lady telling him that the anonymus celeb was really interested on having the house on that particular weekend and if he were to cover costs of the hire of said house to compensant would they change their mind.
Groom told his fiancee and they decided it would be a good idea to save some money. So the anon celeb could have it his way.
So the lady thanks them, all is well, plans get re-aranged then a week later a cheque arrives in the post adressed to the groom for an amount of money unknown to me signed by David Beckham.

Apparently he wanted to have the house for a christening party for one of his sons.
Long post n that.
(Mon 12th Oct 2009, 11:33, More)

» Festivals

Free shit is good shit
Went to Getloaded on Clapham common like two years ago?
Anyway The Streets were headlining and my mate is related to Mike Skinner so he asked me if i wanted to come for free (No.1).

So we get there and have a walk around watched Peter Bjorn and John? and checked out a few of the various stages. (M.I.A., Dizzee Rascal,Digitalism, DJ Yoda anyone?)
The group decided to grab some food and headed off to get some burgers etc, wasn't really feeling it (Does stuff to my stomach).
Oh yeh I'd gone to the public toilets and they were foul already... it was like 2pm and it had started at 10am not to mention it was a single day festival??

So we trot off to the "Guest" area with our special wristbands. So theres a free bar (no.2) as a standard thats always a good thing.

So bare in mind everyone has eaten bar me, over on the far side theres a stall with the people from the local Nandos cooking it up for everyone. I approached asking people on their way back with their full plates what the deal was, all told me it was being laid on for free!(no.3)

Then whilst i was munching down free Nandos and drinking free cider two very nice women came over and gave us some free posh ice-cream(no.4)

Then on the way out to watch a few bands etc a man working for volvic gaves us like a crate of touch of fruit to share between our group (no.5)

After the Streets performed we headed back to the guest area to re-group and as they had to get rid of everything to take the site apart that night.
Being the only people there we were treated to crates of volvic, boxes of haribo,bottles of cider and beer, and leftover nandos.
Best day ever!!
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 23:59, More)

» Ginger

My Dad
I have brown hair and recently discovered just as I was about to shave, three single ginger hairs.
Lone soldiers against the army of brown hairs on my face.
Upon telling my Dad about this, he proceeded to take the piss shouting "GINGER!!!!" in my face.
Feeling a bit disheartened as I quite like the idea of a ginger beard.
I then noticed that my dad's big bushy beard is made up of three colors.
It's a 1/3 Grey, 1/3 Brown and 1/3 GINGER!
Didn't think it was so funny once I'd pointed that out to him..
(Fri 26th Feb 2010, 1:12, More)
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