» Darwin Awards

Tourist
It turns out that walking along the Copa Cabana beach in Rio after dark, sporting flipflops, sunglasses, bermuda shorts, a beach towel playfully tossed over one shoulder and clutching a digital camera and guidebook is a fairly efficient way of arousing the Grim Reaper's interest..

Along that stretch of seafront the personification of evil manifests himself in the shape of a sweaty-toothed madman with hollow eyes and a big gun that he will wave in your face while spitting "Money Money Money" in foamy Portuguese.

But fear not!! All he really wants is a few Marlboros and a packet of crisps!! A small price to pay to cheat death in such spectacularly pant-shitting fashion!
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 11:51, More)

» Pubs

Pint of poo
As a student in Liverpool I used to attend a debauched "nightclub" in the city centre called the Crazy House. Three floors of £1 an alcopop mayhem. Top was dance music, the middle played indie and the basement was a sweaty death metal moshpit full of facepainted vampires. It was in the basement that I discovered one of these headbangers had laid a full on poo in a pint glass and perched it carefully on the bar. Replete with a peanut still undigested. Sorry.
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 16:39, More)

» Pubs

Inadequate Toilet Facilities
In the historic Sussex market town of Horsham there exists a drinking establishment by the name of 'Pirie's Wine Bar'. It's a tiny little Tudor-style building that dates back to the year dot. The type of place you have to bend down to get your head under the doorway and they have those strange leather straps hanging from the ceiling for pissed men to hang on to after too many pints of Bishop's Finger.

The place is so small that the only urinal and the only proper bloke's toilet in the whole pub occupy the same broom cupboard, with no cubicle to seperate them. And no lock. As a consequence it is not uncommon to be stood at the urinal and for a drunkard to come in, introduce himself and then start doing a huge guiness induced poo while you stare uncomfortably at the ceiling and gag at the fowl stench eminating from his rotten bowls. Perhaps this was the norm in yesteryear?

I like to spend my Christmas Eves in this place as aside from the pisser it's actually a bloody good laugh. One such yuletide eve I had managed to get a mistletoe snog off this delightful girl i went to College with and we had moved into the men's toilet for a bit of tit and fanny action away from prying eyes.

Anyway, in walks some mental old bearded drunk who pulls down his kecks and starts unleashing all hell on the Armitage Shanks. This girl i'm with catches one whiff of his sordid muck and voms all down myself, herself and Mental old Baz on the toilet. Not a good look.
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 17:00, More)

» Breasts

Bloody Massive Charlies
I used to go out with this girl when I lived in Liverpool. SHe was a student nurse from the Wirrall. So the first time I got her to take her clothes off I couldn't believe my eyes. There, wobbling around in front of me, were two of the most incredible pert and enormous breasts I had ever seen in my entire life. I felt like the GOd of tits, Boobatron, had smiled down upon me and that every moment in my life had been leading up to this moment. I lapped at her excited nipples like a kitten on viagra and i don't mind saying I gave them a damned good thrashing with my gentleman too. FOr 1.5 years I would regularly wrestle these gigantic orbs of wobbly pleasure until she cried mercy, mercy, mercy, me. I used to get real depraved and do stuff that would make a whore blush. I'm talking fastneing belts round each one so they pointed at me like two demonic torpedos of mammarfic ecstacy while i frantically bashed my balls over them. I don't know why i'm telling you this, I guess I just think back to those sick puppies everytime i see the word breasts. That is all.
(Fri 7th May 2010, 20:19, More)

» Housemates

Phil..
.. was a copper-haired Mancunian our landlord moved in with us to fill a spare room in our student digs. He was a complete twat.

He looked like a normal person but just a lot bigger.. Like someone had inflated him. A bit like in Total Recall before they pop. His head was vast and he had big fat sausage fingers. He used to eat three dinners.

He had a guitar which he could just about muster a melody on and would perform in promptu concerts in the living room while Match of the Day was on. His voice sounded like the tape recording of a torture chamber mixed with the tape recording of a slaughterhouse. He entered X Factor.

He smelt of urine. It got so bad the smell of his room started to invade the whole house. He was obsessed with Manchester City FC and would snort lines of Maxwell House to "get up for going out".

One night after some drinking my friend Ash invented an extreme sport called The Gag. Essentially you had to thrust your face into his rancid bedsheets for as long as you could possibly bare it while others timed your effort. Ash also used his Man City shirt to wipe his bum. Phil thought it was a mud stain from playing in the park.

Everyday he would go on HotorNot and give himself a 10 rating.

I often wonder what became of Big Phil.
(Tue 3rd Mar 2009, 10:39, More)