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» School Days

The Gentleman's Guide
*Warning* Long post ahead! No refunds if disappointed!

About a year ago, a friend of mine called Stuart (no protection required) was caught running in the corridor at lunch chasing another friend playfully. Hardly a horrific crime, but both of them were pulled up and told to write an essay about the correct way in which a corridor was to be used.

They clearly did not see the potential for piss-taking evident to the rest of us.

After a lengthy discussion the following period, it was decided that I would take on writing duties for one of the essays. The other was given to someone else, who came back after the weekend with a philosophical debate on whether or not morality in a corridor was any different to morality when not in a corridor (or something like that), probably with the conclusion being that no-one cared anyway.

I, however, spent a weekend with my brother and a thesaurus producing the following, which some people suggested be put in the yearbook, it became such a meme in our year. My maths teacher read it when it was left lying around by accident, chuckled, and almost took it to the maths base with him to show off to the other teachers. So, ladies and men-folk, I present The Gentleman's Guide (imagine in the font "Blackadder" or similar):

**************

The Art Of Strolling In A Gentlemanly Fashion: A Gentleman's Guide to Proper Conduct, Etiquette & Manners in a Corridor or Hallway Environ

When strolling down, through or in a corridor, one should always maintain a dignified and calm personal air whilst also seeking to present only the utmost decorum and social graces to one's fellow corridor- or hallway-strollers. This brief, yet indispensable, enchiridion shall hopefully serve to furnish a Gentleman with a complete and thorough understanding of the right, proper and cultivated conduct, etiquette and manners to be observed in all corridor- or hallway-related scenarios which may be encountered: crucially, the key differences to be observed when strolling by oneself; with fellow strolling habitués; or when the accompaniment or chaperoning of a Lady is called upon.

There are numerous techniques, too many to recount in full, for strolling, with various methods from as far and wide as Lancashire, Cornwall and the Earldom of Wessex (even the barbaric and primitive Pictish "peoples" have attempted to have their say in this matter!) becoming more and more popular, despite some of the simplicity and brutishness involved in a great many of these cases. However, there is only one stroll in Our King's England (God Save The King!) which truly signalises one as a Gentleman: The Buckinghamshire Gait.

The Buckinghamshire Gait is the one truly civilised stroll fit for a Gentleman's use. It involves precision, care and attention to minute details: all of which must be given equal care and attention.

Firstly, as we all know, the Devil makes work for idle hands, so a Gentleman must keep his attention held on presenting himself in the correct manner: a Gentleman's right hand should be kept in his waistcoat pocket, while his left hand is kept by his side with the handle of his walking cane cradled in the palm of his hand while the shaft rests along his forearm.

Secondly, one step of a Gentleman's stride should not exceed five-sixths of an Ell from back heel to front toe-tip, with each step taking the same passage of time as the repetition of the word "straw-berrie" in one's head. This should be adjusted accordingly (coupleing a shorter step-length with a slower step) when strolling with shorter or older Gentlemen, to allow them to maintain a comfortable and leisurely pace at their full stride. The time taken for a single step should be doubled when strolling with Lady company, in order that the Lady companions may be kept from swooning as a result of the ensuing high heart-pace.

Criterion the third: a sensible pace (described above) should be kept at all times for the sake of any ladies in the vicinity of a solitary strolling Gentleman - the Gentleman may accidentally create a gust which could indecently expose the Lady's ankles to any ruffian or scalliwag who might dare take a gander.

Criterion the fourth: if a Gentleman is chaperoning a Lady, he should remove his right hand from his waistcoat pocket and hold it in a protective fist on his chest, which should be protruding further than is normal. This allows the Lady to use the Gentleman's arm as a support for her own dainty "stroll" while feeling fully shielded and sheltered by her Gentleman companion.

N.B. The Shropshire Stride (recognisable by its greater stride-length, hastier pace and lack of hat-doffing) is permissable only under extreme duress and in the most dire of circumstances, e.g. when one is delayed in attending a dining function and would otherwise be thought of as a laggard by other esteemed guests, or when one has reserved a seat in the travelling carriages of a locomotive engine which is in danger of being missed. However, it is imperative that this stroll be avoided when in the accompaniment of a Lady due to the heightened pace.

Once a Gentleman is strolling correctly in a corridor or hallway, he must then focus his mind on obeying the following Etiquette:

I. A Gentleman should acknowledge all other corridor- or hallway-strollers with a doff of his hat and a hearty "Good Morning!" or "Hullo!". Only when a Gentleman is employing the Shropshire Stride can this be overlooked, rude as it may be. This shall alert all other corridor- or hallway-strollers to the Gentleman's haste and therefore provide them with the opportunity to clear a path for him.

II. If a Gentleman is accompanying a Lady, the Lady should be kept to the inside of the corridor or hallway in order to keep her away from any other persons travelling in the opposite direction. If this requires the Gentleman to switch his stance so his right arm carries his cane and his left arm steadies the Lady, so be it.

III. If a Gentleman should happen to meet one of his chums or Ladyfriends in a corridor or hallway, it is impolite to stand and chatter, as this hinders the strolling of all other corridor- or hallway-users. Therefore, it is only punctilious for the Gentleman to either (in the case of the Gentleman being in a great haste) explain this swiftly to his acquaintance or (if the Gentleman has time to spare) to stroll with his acquaintance to their destination before returning on his way to his own.

************

Stuart handed it in, and didn't get any hassle. Presumably the bitch just threw them in the bin the moment she got her hands on them :(.

The most-asked question by my classmates who read it was: "Is the Shropshire Stride real?" (No, it isn't. I made it all up, you twunt)

The mini-meme produced may have had some momentum added when, on casual friday a few weeks later, I turned up in the afternoon (having gone home & changed) dressed in my full gentleman finery, including pocket-watch, cufflinks and waistcoat (mostly belonging to my brother).

Length? Five-sixths of an Ell, didn't you pay attention?

First time, please be gentle, etc.
(Tue 3rd Feb 2009, 17:58, More)

» Puns

The plural of "penis"
The plural of "penis" really is just "penises". A lot of people think it's "penii" but this is a phallusy.

Sorry.
(Fri 6th Mar 2009, 19:22, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Patriotism
I just don't get it. Just because you were born somewhere doesn't make it the best country in the world. Every country has its greatnesses, every country has its flaws. Deal with it. This message should go to every person, but especially every person in the USA.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 15:26, More)

» Hypocrisy

Bloody Students...
Not hypocrisy, but pretty close to it.

I go to Glasgow University, and (as does any student) I enjoy going to the Union. On my way there a couple of weeks ago, there was a crowd of about 15/25 people outside of the computer science building next to the Union with Palestine flags.

Now, protests aren't uncommon in front of the Union, especially about the whole Gaza thing, but it seemed odd that they chose this building instead of the more popular destination of the Union to protest in front of.

I didn't want to go over & talk to them, but my mates did, so we did just that. It turned out that the protesters had submitted a set of demands to Charles Kennedy (Rector of the Uni) and were holding a floor of this building "hostage" until they were agreed to.

This led them to have the somewhat misleading slogan of "Support the Occupation!"

Twunts.

P.S. It turns out they were allowed to occupy that floor by the security so long as they didn't damage anything, because the floor wasn't used for much anyway. Also, half their demands were racist against Israelis (things like "no Israeli exchange students" & "stop getting water supplied from this company, because they're based in Israel" Wtf? I don't think a water company had much to do with this conflict)
(Sun 22nd Feb 2009, 0:30, More)