» Banks

Apologies in advance
10 months ago I secured myself a job at everybody's favourite red Spanish bank, this was just before the recent banking 'crisis' so there was none of this daily mail stigma attached to the industry and I certainly didn't realise we were sat nonchiently at the top of a rollarcoaster heading for a load of shit.

I didn't enjoy the job, spending the day in my little perspex prison wading through red tape, customer fuck-wittery and clueless colleagues.

Fast forward 9 months and my probationary review. Apparently due to a lack of dynamic sales focus on my behalf they are streamlining my career blah blah blah. After a quick glance at my bullshit to english dictionary basically they were getting shot of me. I had 4 weeks and then gone.

Now whilst a little bit of me was cheering that I was free I was a little peeved because nobody ever hit their targets. Such was the greed of the people above they made them nigh on impossible so I conducted a plan.

For that whole 4 weeks I wrote down the card number of everyone I served, I even went on the system and lifted the numbers other people had served. By the end of it I had nearly 1000 card numbers on a word document, and on the very last day at about 3 o'clock, I systematically ordered every card on that list a nice new pin number.

I then spent the next day at the pub opposite watching a queue form outside the door of angry looking fuckwits storm in and then storm out.

Length: Stretching almost to BHS
(Thu 23rd Jul 2009, 1:19, More)

» School Days

My mate Chris
I joined my secondary school up North in the middle of year 8, And after the novelty of having a shiny southern accent had worn off I managed to merge quite effortlessly into a group of kids, not quite cool enough to be regarded uber-popular but not geeky enough to be socially outcast. (Think the in-betweeners for those that have seen it)

One person in the group was a mild mannered, highly likeable chap called Chris, he was one of these people who although highly intelligent had very little common sense and was highly gullible. As a result most of the piss takes were directed his way, and he took them, mainly because he quite frankly is. A legend.

However one day in Maths I think maybe I took it a bit far. It was towards the end of the term so it was a bit of a chilled out coursework catch up lesson which the teacher was all to happy to let us spend chatting while she did whatever teachers spend their time doing when pupils are working.

Chris had been relatively successful in his advances to a girl in the year below, securing himself a date to the local Pizza Hut the previous evening.

Now this is quite a big thing when your 14/15 and a girl across the class was eager to know more about the night. And asked in that inquisitive girly manner 'how things went'.

I still don't know why I did this but before Chris, who was a shy guy back in the day, could get his answer out. I nonchalently announced to the class that 'He couldn't get it up'

Chris went as red as a fanny with a thousand yeast infections as a few sneering laughs went round the classroom from those first set Maths kids who were humourously aware of my Euphemism.

The icing of the cake however was when the girl asked 'What I meant by that phrase' the teacher without looking up just boomed out 'He has erection problems' which caused the class to errupt in raucous laughter.

He did manage to inadvertedly get me back, even though totally by accident involving a really loud fart, a bucket chair and a perfectly executed accusing look in my direction, Which like a Rabbit in the headlights I was powerless to avoid. But I still think I had the upper hand.




Length, She never got to find out
(Tue 3rd Feb 2009, 23:46, More)