» Housemates

she's fucking my neighbour ...
back in the day when i was a drug addled student, i had the dubious pleasure of sharing a house with Helen.

Now it may have been that Helen had a lovely set of DDs (of which I have always been partial) and it may have been that she had lovely dark hair and eyes (of which I have always been partial) that lead me to choose her over all other prospective housemates, but I am still going to say it was a financial arrangement pure and simple.

Helen was about to start her first year of uni and had moved down from the country to do so. Helen, being a nubile 17 year old fresh out of high school also had an array of nubile 17 year old friends who would regularly visit and sleep over, often sharing a bed. To my feverish 19 year old brain this seemed like a SURE THING.

One night when climbing through the window (which we used as a front door) I saw that Helen had a group of friends over, chief amongst them being Laurie, another dark haired, dark eyed beauty with tangled mane of dreadlocks and a hungry look in her eye. We were instantly interested in each other and spent the next few weeks flirting and finding excuses to be the last ones to go to leave the pub/go to bed/go for a walk etc

When all of the psuedo foreplay was exhausted we eventually tumbled into bed together and got down to the real foreplay and more. Laurie was a screamer and ultra enthusiastic. She was also the first girl I had ever met who swallowed. In short, a dirty, dirty girl. I suppose I should have listened to the alarm bells when she jokingly said in response to my comments about her apparent experience 'oh yeah, i'm like the local bike - jump on and have a ride *giggle*' but I was in balls deep by then and the blood had left my thinking head.

Occasionally, Laurie would spend the night in Helen's bed, which was fine with me. I mean, they close friends and friendships need to be nurtured if they are to survive right? Wrong. Turns out Helen and Laurie would make sweet lady lovin' on a regular basis and I was the meat on the side. Still, was okay by me as I was getting it regular like.

At this point it is probably time to bring in John our older, hairier neighbour who lived in the adjoining place and with whom I shared a common bedroom wall. John and I regularly hung out, drank beer, smoked pot, played guitar, all the worthwhile things in life. John had also been banging one of Helen's other friends Jess who, after pretty much sitting on his cock within hours of meeting him, had grown bored and hungry as only a freshly awakened 17 year old sex kitten can be. John casually commented about Laurie's vocal tendencies in the bedroom one day, which I took as friendly banter but should have realised was actually a fierce desire to pluck her freshly ripened peach. I thought no more of it until later ...

Two important things happened after this point. The first continues to haunt me til this day. I came home one night to find Laurie and Helen in my bedroom with Helen laying face down and topless on my bed. Laurie who was sitting on my bed slowly rubbing her back looked at me and asked 'do you mind if Helen sleeps in with us tonight?'. My friends, if ever you are offered a threesome, please, just say yes. Do not do what I did and say 'Um well I would prefer if she didn't'. I think at the time I was worried about sleeping with my housemate and that it would fuck up the situation. Little did I know.

Helen dutifully gathered her ample bosom and left the room and a little later Laurie and I got down to it, so I suppose the night was not a total loss (though who am I fucking kidding right?). To cut a long story short, Laurie put the hard word on me about whether we were an item, I said yes, later noticed she was flirting like crazy with neighbour John and put the hard word on her and accused her of cheating which resulted in our breakup.

This was awkward due to the fact that she was my housemates best friend/occasional lover and, in the following weeks, started fucking my neighbour.

Remember how I said we shared a wall? Well, these walls were not in a good state of repair. There was a large crack in the corner of the room that let air, light and importantly, noise through with gay abandon. Those nights of screaming passion which I had previously listened to as a participant I now listened to as an observer and my god was it hard to sleep.

Let me say that I was bitter. I had lost my nubile young 17 year old to John, tensions in the house were high and I wasn't sleeping terribly well at all.

One night I snapped. When the rhythmic pounding from the other side of the wall gradually built to orgasmic screaming I started yelling at them to shut the fuck up. I threw shoes, I pounded on the wall with my angry fists. In my blind, love-lorn desperation, however, I found the magic bullet. I started mimicking their orgasms at volume. Every time she screamed 'oh John fuck me!' I too screamed 'oh John fuck me!'. I copied every wailing crescendo, every pleasurable groan, every deeply penetrated shriek that came from her wide open mouth and, within a flaccidity-inducing space of time all was silent.

I had turned down a threesome, I had lost the girl and Helen moved out not long after. I got my sleep in the end but the sweet wine of Morpheus only tasted of ash and regret ...
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 5:06, More)

» Ouch!

awning has broken
i now have a healthy fear of windy days. i didn't always.

why?

because windy days mean flying debris and on one such day i was an unwitting casualty.

i would regularly walk down a laneway to get my lunch and this laneway had a building festooned with dirty yellow awnings about 2m x 3m, made of a sturdy metal frame and attached by screws whose best years were 1986-94.

the wind was gusting at a breathtaking rate on this particular day and the laneway created an excellent wind tunnel - the perfect storm if you will.

cue me strolling along minding my own business when a mighty gust tears an awning from its building, sends it soaring in the air where gravity then takes over causing said awning to land square on my head.

i was floored.

it got hazy at this point but i recall pushing the awning off me, putting my hand to my head and feeling something distinctly hot and wet and then being surrounded by a pack of strangers who kindly sat me down on a chair, gave me a teatowel to staunch the bleeding and who called the ambulance. i also recall things getting a bit dark around the edges and fighting not to pass out.

when i got to emergency they put 10 staples in my head, dosed me up good and proper and showed me the photos they took of the awning.

on the crossbar where i was struck was a perfect semi-circular spray of blood. honestly, it was almost beautiful.

i wear a helmet most days now.
(Fri 30th Jul 2010, 8:13, More)

» Darwin Awards

fond memories of stupidity past ...
my mate and i were best of friends back in the day and both restless souls. he lived in the hills just outside of town and close to an abandoned quarry, a train tunnel, a dump and a hill full of old holes and caves.

Understandably, we took these locations to be places where we could satisy every destructive urge that came upon us and many a weekend was spent alternately looking for interesting junk or blowing the living fuck out of something.

There was the time we attempted to drop home made explosives on the top of passing trains.

There was the time we climbed to the top of a rock wall and lobbed boulders at the beehives gently slumbering on the valley floor below.

There was the time we were caught in the train tunnel when the train came and we screamed like little girls as we pressed ourself agains the tunnel walls.

I am really quite sad about the bushfires that have killed a heap of people in Victoria and it makes me realise how a lot of our fun could have gone wrong.

I think I lost the Darwin Awards quite a few times by the thinnest of margins and I am getting out of the sport competitively, so it looks like my chances for 2009 are shot also.

Those times were awesome though ...
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 10:54, More)