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» Good Advice

I wish I'd listened
Never marry a Barrister. You will never win an arguement for the rest of your married life. When she once said 'I refer you to the comments you made on the 3rd of August...' in the heat of a row, I knew that any response I could ever give would be doomed to fail.

The divorce wasn't that fun either. On the plus side I did used to play zorro with her robes.
(Thu 20th May 2010, 13:10, More)

» God

GCSE blasphemy
I was 15 years old in 1990, at a school that had Religous Education as a compulsory subject for GCSE. I had realised long ago that I did not buy into the whole 'God thing', and felt that spending my time in lessons about how great God is wasn't what I wanted.

I was sat in the mock exam for GCSE RE and really couldn't be bothered. One of the questions asked us to give recount a quote that Jesus had said whilst nailed to the cross. I hadn't done any revision so used my initiative. My answer was simple - "OUCH"

The dude had just had iron spikes put through his hand, something that i guess must have smarted a tad!

Anyway, once the exam had been marked I was told to attend the head masters office with the head of RE, an ancient old god botherer who didn't see the humour. I was suspended from school for 3 days. Luckily my parents found it hilarious and I came back to school a legend.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 19:31, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

An Englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
and the barman says "what'll it be gents"
Englishman - 'I'll have a pint of fisted goblin, 4.6 ABV, golden colour with citrus undertones"
Irishman - "I'll have a pint of Guinness and a Bushmills chaser"
Scotsman - "I'll have a er...erm...a lime and soda"
Toby and Patrick both turn to Hamish and say "you'll have what?"
Hamish - "Sorry, what were you expecting? Just because I am from Scotland you expect me to be some stereotype drunken scot? Are you expecting me to order Tenants super and a bottle of buckfast just to live up to an outdated and untrue image of the Scots as alcoholics? Shame on you. For your information I like lime and soda. Also I am skint at the moment as I spent all my dole money on smack."
(Fri 21st Sep 2018, 23:39, More)

» Ignorance

Waste of atoms window cleaner
Last year I made the mistake of engaging my window cleaner in conversation. It was the weekend when the clocks go back and I mentioned this. His statement still staggers me. In all sincerity he said "I'm always amazed how the sun knows to come out an hour early".

I made my excuses and ran inside so that he couldn't see me crying with laughter.
(Sat 1st Sep 2012, 12:24, More)

» Driven to Madness

An obsession worthy of croissant eating, orange juice drinking, sat on a balcony leaning in his chair smug cunt,
but I hate it, and judge people on how they wear a suit. I left university thinking I would never wear a suit but within a year I was wearing one for my first proper job. 15 years later I'm still in one (not the same). What drives me mental is fellow suit wearers not understanding the buttons. 3 button suit, you do up the middle one only. two buttons, top button. Single button, one or none. Also never ever open the side pockets.
(Thu 4th Oct 2012, 22:56, More)
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