b3ta.com user HairyCanary
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Recent front page messages:

Toot toot!
(Sun 10th Jun 2018, 6:41, More)


(Tue 1st Jul 2003, 6:13, More)

I don't know what I was thinking....

The woosome Tedious has now made a real flash game of this! clicky
(Mon 21st Apr 2003, 10:55, More)

It's the little things you don't think of that would be different

Sorry, it's a crap idea. Thought I'd get it on now before things get too busy.

(Edit) A front page you say? Just goes to show I'm no judge of hummus.

/self deprecating comments
(Tue 1st Apr 2003, 9:57, More)

In the future, all nuns will be jet powered

My first post and compo entry. Hello all. Apologies if this has been done before.
(Fri 10th Jan 2003, 1:04, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Rectal cucumber
The foreign-object-up-bum stories here have reminded me of one I heard a while ago.

A guy presented in A&E with a whole cucumber disappeared up his arse. It was providing a little bit of quiet levity amongst the staff that night.

It was less quiet levity when apparently a rather naive young student nurse or somesuch commented, "The thing I don't understand is... how did he swallow it whole?"
(Sun 14th Mar 2010, 1:04, More)

» Pet Stories

Best of all the animals
I used to have an ex-racehorse called Marty. He was gentle as a lamb, a bit timid even, but was very tall and imposing. Even at just a light canter he would snort loudly with flaring nostrils at each exhale, like the retired athlete he was.

I was riding him one day in a little field that was public, but usually quiet, only used as a thoroughfare by others. A couple of fuckwitted boys decided they wanted to ride their bikes there. I tried moving away so we could each have our space, but the idiot boys thought it was a lot more fun to ride in really close to us, trying to frighten Marty so he'd throw me off.

I'm sure Marty and I had the same evil idea at the same time. I didn't have to tell him what to do. He knew. Which was funny, given his usual docile nature.

We trotted off, right up to the other end of the field. The boys thought they'd won and scared me off, but we were only allowing ourselves enough distance to get a good run up.

As soon as I let him know I was ready, Marty charged at the boys at full gallop, giant hooves thundering, nostrils flaring and snorting loudly. The boys didn't realise what was happening until they realised a ton of pissed off, speeding horse was right on top of them.

Marty swerved at the last second to miss them, they shat themselves and disappeared on their little bikies, never to be seen again.

I swear Marty was smug.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 17:03, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Not Americans this time!
Australian man I know is staying at a hotel in China. Thought he'd do the right thing and learn a bit of the local language. It's tricky, because it's all about getting intonation and inflection right. The wrong emphasis can change the meaning entirely.

Every morning he would go to reception and ask "Are there any messages for Mr. Smith?"

"Teeheeheehee! No!" said the girls coyly, every morning. This went on for a couple of weeks.

It wasn't until after he left that he learned he was getting the inflection wrong and asking "Are there any messages for Mr. Pantyhose?"
(Thu 7th Jul 2005, 23:45, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

In a cafe somewhere in Europe
a friend overheard a German couple and an American couple.

German woman sneezes. German man says "Gesundheit".

American woman spins around and says "Thank GOD! Finally, someone who speaks English!"
(Fri 11th Jun 2004, 0:53, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

I used to work in theatre box office
and had a litany of stupid questions thrown at me all the time, like "What time does the 8 o'clock show start?" and "Do all the seats face the front?", but the two best ones I had were:

*A woman who would only buy tickets to a Stevie Wonder concert if I could 100% guarantee he really was blind

*We had one of those hypnotist blokes in doing a show for a bit ('when I clap you will think you are a chicken' type of thing). A woman rang after seeing his show wanting his phone number bcause she wanted him to come and "make (her) give up smoking". I tried to explain the difference between a stage magician and a qualified hypnotherapist. She just got angry with me.
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 2:26, More)
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