b3ta.com user chaotic_illuminator
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blogtastic... hopefully

Unfortunately, they make me work for money... can't spend ALL day on b3ta...

Wow! I won the nun challenge with this foxy little mover:

Recent front page messages:

Aha! So that's what happened to it...

well, what d'ya know! an FP!
(Sun 4th Jan 2004, 17:22, More)

I've got beautiful orchids in my garden...

(Mon 23rd Jun 2003, 21:35, More)


(Mon 26th May 2003, 22:11, More)

Houston - we have a problem!

Booster number 3 on the Ostrich Explorer hasn't ignited...
...oh, it's OK... he's off. Good Luck Big Fella!

edit - apologies for limited hummus... just had to get something made to break my photoshopper's block.
(Sun 10th Nov 2002, 18:22, More)

New extremely extreme sport...

...pianochuting. A once in a lifetime experience. Once and only once.
(Sun 3rd Nov 2002, 18:54, More)

This came to me at work today...

I spend too much time working with lightbulbs (although we call them 'lamps')...
(Tue 8th Oct 2002, 22:07, More)

Today is a good day to dry...

probably been done, and this meme has probably gone cold... sorry.
(Tue 1st Oct 2002, 19:55, More)

More of my road-related frustration...

(Tue 24th Sep 2002, 21:29, More)

Presenting the all-new "Hippocopier"...

with optional output collator (shown).
(Mon 26th Aug 2002, 11:45, More)

Harold could never pull down at the Dorsal and Firkin...

The girly-fish never went for his more mature looks.
(Mon 29th Jul 2002, 21:43, More)

My imaginary friend...

or maybe it's my ideal christmas present... was that another challenge option?
(Fri 12th Apr 2002, 16:30, More)

Don't expect to see this one anytime soon...

Although the domain has been registered by some dodgy sounding bloke in California.
(Fri 8th Feb 2002, 9:52, More)

Furtively Warholian...

Not to be seen in Tate Modern... only on b3ta!
(Thu 7th Feb 2002, 16:38, More)

In fact...

just in case there's any confusion about my opinion...
(Tue 15th Jan 2002, 16:48, More)

Dalai Lada?

OK... it's obvious, but no-one else had done it...
(Mon 14th Jan 2002, 16:50, More)

Cheap and puerile I know, but hey...

(Fri 4th Jan 2002, 18:09, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Mini Cabs From Hell

The scariest cab ride I ever took was in Dubai
Very much a London-mini-cab-style experience. Cab turned up, we pile in, and discover that the driver is a huge rastafarian with dub reggae blasting out of the stereo and a big joint on the go.

He's got one hand hanging onto the handle above the door, and the other holding his big fat spliff.

And, er, no hands at all on the steering wheel.

The car's an automatic, so he doesn't need to change gear. He ain't stopping, so he doesn't need the handbrake. And why bother holding the wheeel when you can steer with your knees?

This bastard proceeds to drive us through town and out to where we're going without touching the wheel once with his hands, including navigating a couple of clover-leaf highway junctions.

We thought we were going to die... although the passive smoking took the edge off it.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 14:21, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

I'm a lighting designer
An architect once said to me "we've increased the quantity of skylights in the building (an airport), so you must be able to save a lot of money... we won't need as many lights!"

You will at night, mate. See when that big orange thing goes below the horizon...

(Sun 28th Dec 2003, 23:02, More)

» Useless Information

Johnny Cash was the first American to know that Stalin was dead.
He was in the army and was monitoring Russian radio broadcasts.
(Sat 19th Mar 2005, 18:11, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

A colleague and I, a few years ago. We come out of the place in town we'd had a meeting, and there's a taxi rank right next door outside a shopping mall.

It's July in Dubai... very hot, very humid. Not comfortable at all outdoors fully clothed. So we dash to the front cab and pile in, announce our destination and sit back...

...at which point we spot the little signs we'd missed in our haste - fake fur seat covers, the drivers' dreadlocks, the plastic model spliff and the picture of Haile Selassie hanging from the mirror.

The driver was very laid back. Just a touch too fucking laid back to be driving anything.

He drove the whole 20 minute journey without his hands ever touching the wheel. One hand on the handle above the door, the other on the gear stick, steering with his knees. Including negotiating a couple of clover-leaf highway junctions. At speed.

I really didn't think we'd make it.
(Fri 8th Sep 2006, 22:12, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My parents told me that salad cream and mayonnaise were the same thing.
I was mightily pissed off when I found out the truth, and discovered that mayo was good, as opposed to the vinegary, slightly green gunk that was salad cream...

Bizarrely, I once had a girlfriend whose parents had perpetuated the same myth.
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 14:57, More)
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