b3ta.com user big fat lazy man on a sofa
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» Out of my depth

drunk and in deep
when i just started my current job, my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to go on a leg of a bus tour round scotland with a load of education bigwigs.

trouble was, i got arseholed at a pals emigrating party the night before and woke up drunk 10 minutes before the bus was due to leave uddingston (town near glasgow, but not near my flat). so i tore off in my wrecked mini, and finally caught up with the bus near stirling. i abandoned the car and jumped on teh bus.

this was the first part of the day when i realised i might be out of my depth. they were having facilitated group discussions on some dull education topic. so i just joined in - i talk to anyone when im drunk - but being new i hadnt realised i joined the table with my MD and all these senior civil servants and business leaders. i stank of booze, and became very aware of my surroundings.

second out of depth experinece that day: later, after a visit to a dull primary school, the bus tootled off up the country roads to perth which made me be very sick indeed in the bus toilet. evryone surely heard the boaking, but i'm sure they all appreciated the wet boak on my trousers from where i missed the pan.

the day continued like this for a while.

final out of depth experience of the day: we went to a special residential school for very heavily monged children. we were split up for individual visits - somehow i pulled the visit to the "sensory room" where young classroom assistant girls give the mongkids head massages to ambient music and psychedlic visuals. i passed out, and was actually left to doze for a while.

at the end of the day, we reconvened in the hall, where the spacks put on a "show". bloody hell, i have never laughed so heartily at spack activity - some where just wandering about teh stage just moooing; others were strapped to their chairs and slapping their hands off bongos; one big fucker just stood there holding a candle, just staring at teh flame and barking every so often. pure spacker comedy gold for me, but looking around me - tears of pride and sympathy were flowing down the faces of my more succesful (and less hungover) fellow travellers. they did not approve of my behaviour.

i couldnt face getting back on the bus and got the train home to glasgow. i forgot about my car for two days, it was nearly a week before i could get back up to collect it.
(Wed 20th Oct 2004, 17:16, More)

» We have to talk

piss on my face
i'd just got back into the house after the lad's boozy weekend in the lakes to find my girlfriend in a huge mood - as we didnt live in the same country at the time, she'd made a surprise visit, let herself in, and stewed the whole weekend in her own anger juices whilst i'd drank myself silly. naturally i hadn't called, so this was a major crime scene.

so i come in, and i get the "we need to talk" screamed at me. not wanting to argue, only needing a pee and a good sleep, i grunted a reply and wandered off to the toilet, which just made her worse.

so i was having a piss, with the door locked and her shouting at me from the outside. suddenly she kicks it in, and starts screaming at me. the conversation proceeded hence:

me: I'm trying to have a piss

her (screaming): you! piss? piss? oh! piss on my face!

cue huge snort of laughter from my pal who'd just come in and caught the end of the argument. 8 years later and we're happily married, but she's never lived it down.
(Sun 22nd Apr 2007, 9:39, More)

» Useless advice

"on becoming a father", by my dad
i had a phone conversation with my father earlier today which could not have come at more opportune time, in terms of noticeboard fulfillment.

me and mrs me have been married 6 years now and havent cared at all for starting a family. only lately, when faced with teh choice of getting another dog or having a baby, did we think that it actually might be ok to start having kids.

so to summarise, mrs me is off the pill and i'm off the drink, which should go someway to improving our breeding programme. now i had to break this to my old boy earlier when he did the usual monthly phonecall where he made me feel inadequate for not yet siring a wean.

i told him about missing the drink, and i swear, this was his advice:

"never listen to that rubbish about drinking and pregnancy, me and your ma smoked and drank right up to when she went into labour. best thing to raise the sperm count is to have a pint of guinness and then put your balls in a bowl of cold water. it worked for me. twice"

how do i get that vision of my father with his bits in a pyrex bowl out of my mind? now i cant even look at my wife, let alone make the sweeeeeet looove.
(Sun 22nd Oct 2006, 22:27, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

i am a man and i enjoy skiving
but it gets me in trouble.

i surf t'interweb for at least 6 hours a day. one day i came across the website of one of our coporate partners - for some strange reason, they'd decided on using a wiki for their site. now, for someone who surfs about all day, i know fuck all cubed about computers, and even less about wikis.

so out of frustration and confusion (and a bit of spite) i changed all their text, links, and banners to read "wanky wank"

needless to say they complained and i got a bollocking.
(Fri 29th Apr 2005, 10:23, More)

» When animals attack...

in new zealand we fed a family of ducks a load of muesli, so they followed us everywhere, and were right in amongst our feet. the daddy duck stoood on my foot so i picked him up and shoved him toward my missus's face (i made sort of quaking barking shouty noises too, we've all done it)

thats when the mummy duck flew up and attacked me. i was taken by surprise and she got the better of me. in that i fell over, and she continued to attack me until i released her man.
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 14:45, More)
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