» Celebrities part II

oops...
So I was lost in the grounds of Marlborough college a couple of years ago trying to find my way to a gig that some friends of mine were playing. I found a group of students rehearsing a drama piece in a room somewhere and asked directions. A lovely young girl offered to escort me there as it was a bit of a way off. So on the way we engaged in nominal small talk...

'did your parents study here?' I ask.
'no.' said she.
'Oh right.'
'mum studied in london and dad studied in edinborough.'
'So your paren'ts sent you here to give you an oppertunity to hang out with some roaylty for a few years then did they??' I blurt
'Erm... what do you mean?'
'Well I know that princess Beatrix and her sister with the funny name study here'
'Oh yes... I think one of them is in my year' she tells me.

Then pretty much silence until we arrive at our destination.

When we get there I thank her for showing me the way. tell her what a great help shes been and ask her her name.

'Eugenie!'

Great royal bollocks!!
(Sat 10th Oct 2009, 13:59, More)

» Puns

Puns
George. W. Bush, with a Scowl,
Said to Saddam Hussein something foul.
When told 'take it easy!'
He said 'don't be queasy'
you should hear what I've been Colin Powell.


Done.

that my post cherry popped then.

be Kind.
(Sat 7th Mar 2009, 13:51, More)

» Unusual talents

My fingers can do some pretty crazy stuff.
I've cracked my knuckles for as long as i can remember. In all I can get 28 seperate 'cracks' out of each hand. Every knucle joint gives 2, one to the left and one to the right. beacause of this I have very flexible fingers. Without the aid of my other hand, I can make all four fingers of each hand bend backwards at about a right angle from the back of my hand (think palm flat on a table and fingers pointing up at the ceiling). With the aid of my other hand I can bend my fingers right back so my fingernails touch the back of my hand. That is all.
(Sat 20th Nov 2010, 12:48, More)

» Buses

Every morning without fail...
I would get on the same bus, at the same time, at the same stop. As i lived on the early stretch of the bus route I would often be priveliged enough to pretty much have the pick of the bus seats. A few stops down on my way to work a young mum would always get on with her two kids. Now darling angels these weren't. The mum was the sort of girl who wouldn't be allowed on the Jeremy Kyle show for fear of making the show come accross a bit rough, and the kids were absolutely vile with all bits of a weeks worth of shitty dinners all in they're hair and faces.

Anyhooo... I digest.

As i mentioned... It would quite often be myself and perhaps one or two other passengers in the bus when this trio of trogs would step aboard, and every day, without fail, no matter where I sat, they'd take the seat in front of me.

Also, every day, without fail, the darlings would have their breakfast on the bus. this comprised of a bag each of cool original doritos, a kit-kat and a robinsons purple flavour fruit shoot. Balanced!

And so it came to pass that at 7:45 every morning, I had my senses defiled by these two little kids, kneeling on their seat staring straight at me, schmacking and chomping open mouthed with little regard for food order. A little fist full of the smelliest crisps in the world. 2 chews. A bite of kit-kat. 3 chews. a mouthfull of purple stuff. more chewing. this was often follwed by choking and coughing and generally spraying the back of the seat and the guy sat behind (horsie) with bits of soggy half chewed half saturatd bits of doritoey-kit-katy mulch.

delightful.

As is often the case with with 'couldn't-care-less' mum's. The mum couldn't care less. One day the little girl (aged about 5 or so), getting frustrated with her younger brother shouted 'F*ck off you F8ckin C@nt!!' Being english the whole bus looked straight into their laps and pretended that it's perfecly normal for 5 year old to speak like that. The mum just laughed at the comment and asked in a sing-song cooey baby voice 'Did you learn that from your dad??'

Before you ask why I never sat right at teh front so as to avoid them taking the seat in front of me. These were designated for elderly/infirm/wheelers.

this post is not funny, nor entertaining. I just needed to get thiss of my chest.

Length... every weekday for two and a half years. *hangs head in shame*
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 8:49, More)