b3ta.com user ratman
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» Food sabotage

School Childrens Flights
I used to work, as a Corporal in the Army, back in the 90's in an RAF base in Germany. Every school children’s holiday in England, would see a couple of flights full of Army brats, who had been carted off to boarding school in the UK, come for a holiday with their parents in Germany.

Imagine the intelligence level required to get into some of these infantry regiments, then imagine the type of women attracts to such foreheads, then imagine the offspring the produce.

Anyhow, the inbound flights were a piece of cake. Flight lands, kiddies run up to mummy and daddy and disappear, or they get on their respective coaches to far distant garrisons and are out of there, Simple.

The return flights are another matter however. Parents sick of the sight of the kids dump them at the airport hours before the plane and leave them with you as the baby sitter. And some of these kids are spoilt rotten. It was a real problem not to want to whack some of the little retards.

Anyhow, onto the food subject. There used to be a big bucket of boiled sweets, that we used to hand out to the littler kiddies, the 5 and 6 year olds, to calm them down, occupy them, and pump them up with sugar an hour before the flight, Let the RAF sort them out on the aircraft.

One of the Sergeants on the Det used to like to pilfer the bucket, having a sweet tooth. So we thought we'd use that to our advantage and have a laugh on him. Nipping into the NAAFI we bought 10 packets of Chocolate laxatives, about 6 bars per packets all silver foil wrapped, and pilled these little chocolate bars on top of the sweetie pile. Low and behold the Sergeant snaffles a few of these bars and after half an hour disappears. Grins all around. Then we realise we have couple of dozen of these little bars left, so we hand them out to all the kids. All of them are gone with just 15 minutes before boarding time left.

We didn’t see the result, but imagine. An aircraft with 200 screaming school kids on-board, between 5 and 16 years old, with only 2 toilets for an hour long flight.

Our compatriots on the other end at Stanstead rang us up and told us of the reaction when the flight landed. On opening the aircraft door a solid wall of shit laden air caused a few airport workers to up chuck right there and then. Kids emerging with violent diarrhoea running out their jeans and shorts., and other kids covered in puke from the smell.

I think they put it down to food poisoning from sandwiches sold in the NAFFI. We never did tell anyone the real reason. :-)
(Sat 20th Sep 2008, 6:43, More)

» Road Rage

One Saturday afternoon whilst travelling back from High Wycombe to Southampton where I live I had the following pleasure.

Saturday afternoon on the Mr southbound from the Basingstoke junction and the road was clear in front of me for miles. Beautiful not a car in sight, so putting the foot down hoping to get home a little faster I started to push up to around 90 mph, not slow, but not as fast as that magic loose your licence number of 100.
In the distance I see a lone black BMW sitting in the overtaking lane. Now I'm driving in the nearside lane, or the slow lane and I'm moving slightly faster than this car travelling in the outside or overtaking lane.
So the little puzzle again presents itself, do I either undertake this BMW which is of course illegal, or move up behind him and get him to move out of the BMW lane to the centre, or perhaps the nearside lane, where the twunt should really be.

Still no other cars in sight I indicated out and manovered behind him, hoping he would pull over and allow me to pass without undertaking him ( against the law in the UK unless the car is turning right)

So, the twunt sees me and starts to accelerate. Hmmm, ok, what to do, him in his BMW and me in my little astra estate. So I thinks why not and accelerate to, and it goes on, and on ( just like this post)

Eventually were speeding down the M3 at a little over 120 mph each.

Then it occurs.

The southbound part of the M3 where the Newbury bypass joins, there is a bridge, and sitting on that bridge presumably bored out their tiny skulls is a traffic police car.

( Q, have you ever asked a Traffic Policeman if he was to scared to be a real policeman and catch real criminals, its fun )

I saw it in the distance, the BMW didn’t, so I decelerate to just under 75, while he appears to sprint like hell away from me.

Beautiful. It took another 5 minutes for me to pass him, pulled over on the hard shoulder, the driver was outside the car gesticulating wildly at two coppers who had stopped him,

120 mph, I hope the git lost it,

Wicked is my middle name :-)
(Fri 13th Oct 2006, 14:53, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

I used to work on the computer network for the MOD, and of course we have a 24 hour helpdesk. Obviously not manned by the most highly paid people.
One night the two guys manning the desk recieved a call from an irrrate Prince Andrew who had a problem. (he worked in MOD main building at the time).

"Can I take your name please"
" Yes This is the Duke of York"
" and can you tell me your surname please "
"I said, this is the Duke of York "
" Yes, but you Must have a surname, havnt you got one ?"
"No, I am the Duke of York, Prince Andrew"
" I'll just put down York then"

beggers belief
(Thu 10th Aug 2006, 7:08, More)

» Pathological Liars

Two Shits
I went to Basrah, bottom end of Iraq in 2003 to support the IT of the military out there. 6 month of easy work. Another company provided half the staff for the task as did ours. One of their lads was a little blonde hair skinny guy, and I cant remember his real name. Forever he'll be known as "Two Shits". People (Officers and all) used to ring the help desk specifically asking for Two shits, and he thought it was a complement. The man was an outright boaster. You had one shit, he's top it with two, thats how he got his name. You'd been to Tenerife, he'd been to Twelverife.
Examples - On an IED awareness briefing, the Bomb disposal expert described how the previous week they had disarmed a 300lb set up. Two Shits had done a 500lb a year before and told the guy and the whole room that. He's worked in the SAS ( Haven't they all) but knew no names. Martial arts expert, until we set him up against a karate black belt and he cried off. He was seeing a girl back in the UK and explained his job in Iraq ( Help desk support) as Special Ops. His last one, was getting drunk one night, stealing the sections 6 wheel tractor motor and driving it into a tent. When the military police arrested him, he insisted he was an under cover colonel and they should release him or they would all loose their jobs. 4 hours later, he was on the flight home.

Length - 12 hours via Cyprus to Brize in the back of a Herc.
(Wed 5th Dec 2007, 23:20, More)

» IT Support

The Grand old duke of York
One of the 24x7 help desk workers too a call from an irate user who couldn't print.
Working through the flow chart as they do he asked the user his last name.

"I'm the Duke of York" says the user (Prince Andrew of course"
"is Your your last name then ?" asks the 24x7 bod.
"No, I am the Duke of York" replies Andrew."
"You must have a last name though, everyone has a last name." says the bod.
"tell you what I'll just put down as York, shall I"

Fits and splutters from the end of the phone...
(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 2:23, More)
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