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» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Bathtime fun...
Long ago when I had just started going out with the Mrs Finch we were having some sexy-time in the bath together. She was on top and we are kissing etc.

I gleefully let out a massive fart that bubbled up... but it didn't break the surface straightaway.

It rolled up the Mrs belly, tickling all the way between her lovely boobs and broke the surface right under her chin.

Best. Fart. Ever.

Bathtime was over....I'm laughing now as I remember it......
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 16:08, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

He nearly choked to death...
It was our weekly team meeting, there were four of us in the meeting room and the team leader dialled in to the speakerphone from home.
I must stress that the team leader was a lovely lady but often volatile when it came to her interpersonal skills and so we had a healthy respect for these meetings usually.
The meeting was a bit boring, we were going round the table each giving status updates on our respective projects. I was feeling mischeivous and so I drew a MASSIVE ERECT KNOB on a blank sheet of A4. The bloke next to me was speaking at the time and he had to stifle a giggle and a snort when I passed it to him in the style of a newsreader getting a late bulletin. That was rubbish, he just carried on speaking and got over it pretty quickly, but the atmosphere in the room changed dramatically and soon we were all giving each other furtive glances and generally trying to make the person speaking burst out laughing.
Things came to a head when Indie (for that was his name) reinforced a point he had just made by flicking his fingers Ali G style making a very loud noise. Sadly for him though he found his own joke far too funny and had to leave the room spluttering and trying not to laugh until he got outside.
We calmed down and continued the meeting, professionalism restored. Not content with the initial reaction to my knob picture I discreetly folded it in half and placed it on top of Indie's meeting notes so it looked just like any other message.
2 or 3 minutes later Indie returns, apologises and makes up some excuses that he had had a coughing fit.
He resumes talking to team leader about his projects and absently opens the folded paper in front of him. This was the first time he had seen the knob picture and he just erupted, another coughing fit so bad that he had to leave again! He was trying so hard not to laugh that he was literally choking with eyes and veins bulging and unable to breathe.
[Edit: I forgot to mention the snot]

How the rest of us carried on is still a mystery.

I'm 36.

[Length? 297mm]
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 14:14, More)

» Narrow Escapes

I was posting on QOTW,
when I happened to make a few spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
Also the story was a bit dull and portrayed me in a less than perfect light. Thankfully I noticed in time, and made the necessary changes before posting, so I narrowly avoided a load of unsavoury and unsolicited replies from self important cunts with nothing better to do.

Phew!
(Fri 20th Aug 2010, 19:08, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Waiting for the Surgeon.
When playing indoor 5-a-side as you do, I happened to be most violently slammed into the back wall face first into the brick work by an absolute cunt of a fat bastard.

Injuries included:

Broken nose, including a gash where the bone had cut through.
Front tooth smashed leaving a nice jagged tombstone.
Bottom lip completely sliced through by the jagged tooth.
Sprained wrist from holding out my hands to cushion myself.
Gashed knee including a lovely groove in my patella.

Off to hospital then I reckon. It's all rather mundane work for a Tuesday evening and everyone has had a busy day. I had to wait quite a while to be seen but hey, there's worse off folks and I'm a grown man. The triage nurse was lovely and gave me 3 types of painkiller whilst I awaited the consultant on duty, you see all my injuries except the lip were pretty straightforward to deal with, wrist just needed a brace, knee still worked so no probs there, nose needed an out patient appointment later on, but the lip....

Doc says 'Hmm.... it's severed right through and will need a few stitches. I could do it right here but the trouble is if I don't get it absolutely right then it might heal wrongly and your lip will be in two unmatched halves.'

I said 'Oh...'

Doc says 'I'll have to page the plastic surgeon, he might be a while, you'll have to wait.'

He forgot to mention I would have to wait 4 hours! The pain meds were really quite excellent so I get wheeled round to an ante room and wait for the surgeon.

When he finally arrived he was quite curt, bordering on rude but acted very quickly and decisively, looked at my notes to check my pain meds, then looked at my lip. He must have decided that extra anaesthetic was unnecessary and without warning just opened the cut again with his fingers and for good measure rubbed them in there to start it bleeding again. Then he quickly and VERY skillfully sutured me up. The whole thing took 3 or 4 minutes and whilst painful wasn't too bad.

3 or 4 minutes of his time and my face doesn't look any different, you can't see the join. Could have been quite different.

I found out the reason he was a bit curt once he had treated me, he had just finished sewing a kids face back on after he was savaged by a dog, after that my problem was a doddle and he was a bit knackered and wanted to get off home. It was 2am.

That put things in perspective for me that's for sure. He was awesome. Big up the NHS.
(Tue 16th Mar 2010, 13:52, More)

» IT Support

The FD pissed himself laughing......
I worked for a smallish company running their ERP system. I was on a managers grade and so felt quite happy dealing with middle management buffoons and batting my own corner.

One fine morning we get quite a few calls saying that folks have:

1) Been kicked off the ERP system
2) Can't access anything on the network
3) Can't print

Well what d'ya know, they're right, and furthermore I can't access anything either. There must be trouble in the computer room. Quick.. to the batmobile...

I walk briskly down to the computer room at the far end of the building, along the major office corridor and am lambasted by a horrible bitch of a product manager, complaining that she can't print an important document. She was one of those who always had an urgent problem and would never let it go.

Just for the record, I can't access some major business critical servers and no fucker on the network can print least of all her. I gave her a polite brush-off explaining that I don't know what the trouble is and I'm just off to have a look. Placated... for now.

I enter the combination for the computer room and open the door and was astounded to see water trickling THROUGH the network cabinet and ALONG the network and power cables. Everything was still powered up but it was slowly getting fucking soaked!!!

Ah well thinks I, at least I know what's wrong.

I didn't wanna touch it while switched on, and in any case needed to get the rest of the department to drop everything and HEEEEEEEELLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!

I calmly exit the computer room, deftly batting away the mocking comments from the jokers in the office like : 'hurr hurr, he's bust it...' and wander back along the corridor to raise the alarm and get every geek in the building mobilised to help.

Then the self important cow pounced. She had chosen precisely the wrong moment to give me a telling off for our previous exchange (literally 60 secs earlier) and tell me that she still couldn't print, it was very urgent and what was I going to do about it? (Her office was opposite the FD's - smashing bloke, very chilled)

'I'm sorry but you have two choices: I can stand here and waste my time talking to you or I can go and fix the major server problem in the computer room. It's up to you....'

I was so annoyed I just glared at her waiting for a response.... She was agog... Absolutely flabbergasted... The spell was broken when the FD who had witnessed her reaction started guffawing loudly.

I turned on my heels and sorted that shit out.... She never bothered me again.

Length? Probably a 17 hour shift.
(Thu 24th Sep 2009, 18:25, More)
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