» Call Centres

1 for information, 2 for shriek
Call centres are a bane of my existance. My laptop broke about 6 months ago and needed it fixed. after 30 mins on the phone i decided to start messing about.

Options came 1 for technical enquiries, 2 for Contact information etc. I pressed hash. Suddenly through to a person. After another 20 mins of explaining that i have checked mostly everything they finally say "We will arrange a pick up on such and such a date" I was angered by the date so i shrieked down the phone for about a minute, sounded like a pterodactyl. They asked what it was and i denied everything suddenly the date changed for the next day.

So if you have an unacceptable pick up date, shriek like a pterodactyl
(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 18:07, More)

» Gyms

Once upon a time, i was a pudgy thing...
I didnt really notice it up until my 18th birthday when i suddenly got given a gym membership. My sister who gave the membership said "haha your tits are bigger than mine", not far off but thats when i noticed i had to lose weight.

So i trundle along to the gym, lo and behold i saw a sign for the gym with many attractive women on it, thinking i would get a nice view i sped up. Unfortunately i was a victim of false advertising, it was a gym filled with schwarzneggian men and women that looked like the Fat Slags.

After getting over the initial shock of the "women" in skin tight lycra, i thought i would ease into the treadmill. Going along for 15 minutes when a couple starts arguing. Screaming and shouting all i could do was laugh quietly, thats when it happened. This huge woman picks up one of the weightlifting bars and throws it at her partner, he dodges it and it gets caught between my feet. I trip up, fall chin first onto the still moving treadmill and proceed into unconsciousness.

I wake up 10 minutes later surrounded by a crowd of sweating gym goers. Turns out when i smashed my chin on the treadmill i lost a tooth which i then swallowed when unconscious, the didnt completely get off the treadmill so my chin had been friction burnt to hell by the rubber and i had a sprained ankle.

20 minutes at a gym nearly killed me. I am never going back
(Thu 9th Jul 2009, 16:42, More)

» Buses

Karma
ok so i have had some of the worst days of my life due to buses but one memory that stick with me that made my day a treat.
It was pissing it down, i had a major headache and a long day of work ahead, i was not a happy bunny. The bus then arrived filled completely with mongs also having a bad day.
Three people stood out imparticularly;
1. The bus driver - short fat guy resembling a sunburnt asscheek wheezing and coughing, a walking germ factory
2. The old biddy - old woman with a moustache far superior to mine. she had stepped in dog shit.
3. The screaming little brat - enough said.

the bus was steaming up and the smell of sweat and dog crap was swarming and the brat's screaming wasnt helping my headache. but then there was justice.

The bell dinged, the annoying brat, his mother and the old biddy all got up to get off, as they were heading off the old biddy left first smearing a hefty dose of shit off her shoe onto the step. the screaming brat, still screaming, went to run off and slipped on the shit spreading it all up his school uniform.

Holding back the urge to laugh, being the sadistic prick i am, i went to sit where the biddy had been sitting, sat down and noticed the sound of paper crunching. i found 20 quid.

the rest of the day was shit but i bet that kids was worse XD
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 21:45, More)

» Asking people out

Fingers?!
Ok so it wasn't me asking them but them asking me. Said lass was scary, imagine chav-whale. Freaked the hell out of me.

Lass: Are your fingernails sharp?
Me: Umm what?
Lass: Are they sharp?
Me: Uhh no
Lass: Lets go out so they can get to know my g spot.
Me: I have a girlfriend.
Lass: Oh!? Offer stands for a week.

Scary. Just scary
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 23:38, More)

» Crap Gadgets

Nintendo have it in for me.
Nintendo Wii - Bought it for £130, played it for a day then it went unused for about 3 months until I discovered House of the Dead on Wii. I played it for about a week solid. Then the disc broke. Haven't used it since.

DS Lite - I was coerced into buying this, got a couple of games for it then about 2 days in I got bored. Then about a month goes past and I pick it up again, completely dead, wouldn't charge or anything.

Nintendo hates me and I will have my revenge. Revenge of some kind which I will have to think of at some point because I have a low attention..... squirrels!
(Mon 3rd Oct 2011, 12:08, More)