b3ta.com user spesh.
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for spesh.:
Profile Info:

I would put funny stuff here but I can't be arsed.

Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» Mobile phone disasters

My 1st post and two phone disasters for the price of one, you lucky BOGOF bastards!
Twas my birthday a couple of months ago, so I went out with a mate, got well and truly twatted....and lost my phone. I was well pissed off at the time, but it was only a cheap nokia, PAYG, so I hadn't lost much. Besides, I was thinking of getting a new phone. One with a camera! T'interweb! MP3 player! Shininess! All the things my lost phone lacked.

Off I pop to the shops and decide to get a £20 a month deal, on an 18 month contract. 'Would you like insurance in case it gets lost or stolen?' asks Mr Salesman. 'Nah,' I reply, thinking I won't be so daft as to lose another phone.

A week later, armed with my shiny new toy, I'm out on the piss again with a different friend who's come to visit. We get rather mullered and get the night bus home, which, this being Sarf Lahndan, is full of the usual pissheads and generally dodgy looking characters. In between rambling drunkenly to my friend, I'm amusing myself by playing with my new phone.

The bus stops at a bus stop (they do that, you may have noticed), but instead of continuing on our merry way, the driver stops the engine and announces 'This bus is going no further until the passenger who hasn't paid his fare gets off the bus. I've called the police'. A few minutes pass, people start to get annoyed wanting to get home as by now it's about 2.30am, even offering to pay the (as yet unidentified) man's fare.

'It's the man in the baseball cap,' the driver helpfully informs us. Look, there he is, sitting a few seats behind my friend and I, pretending to be asleep. A few fellow passengers tut and suggest he might like to pay his fare so we can all go home. He's not happy with this, and goes to the driver's cab, trying to force the yob-proof door open, shouting at the driver to get off the bus so 'we can see what a big man you are'.

I detest people who threaten others like that. Beer-fuelled bravado kicks in. 'WHY DON'T YOU JUST PAY YOUR FUCKING FARE YOU FUCKING CUNT??!!' I shout. Oh dear. He comes over to us, shouting how he's gonna kick the crap out of me, blah, blah, blah..... Being too drunk to realise the value of shutting the fuck up in such times of imminent danger, I return his insults. Oh dear again. My friend by this time is standing up trying to calm him down, but he pushes her out of the way. Realising this leaves me, sitting in the window seat, a bit vulnerable, I hurl myself at nasty bloke. But I'm very drunk. So I miss. I end up sprawled on the bus floor, dropping my nice new phone as I fall.

After kicking me in the face and stamping on my head, he grabs my phone and jumps off the bus, at which point the driver hastily shuts the doors. Showing a capacity for logical thought which has so far eluded me I think, 'hmmm. That man's got my new but uninsured phone 1 week into an 18 month contract. That's not good.'

'OPEN THE FUCKING DOORS, HE'S GOT MY PHONE!!!' I shout at the driver which he does, bless him. I jump off the bus and there just down the road is my assailant.

'OI!! COME BACK WITH MY PHONE YOU CUNT!!' I shout after him. Which he does. Oh dear again. He punches me in the face so I throw myself at him, the impetus carrying us both into the window of a takeaway, which smashes. Other passengers jump off the bus to help restrain him, by which time the Plod turn up, nick him and return my phone to me. Phew.

Despite the bus being full of Afro-carribean passengers, and one police officer being of a similar ethnic origin, my assailant insists he's been arrested 'because I'm black isn't it?' My friend's reaction to this won't be repeated, but it wasn't very ladylike, put it that way.

After having statements taken by the slowest one-finger typist in the entire Met Police, we're allowed to leave the police station at 6.30am. Knackered.

I got a black eye out of it. He got 2 charges of common assault, one of theft and one of breach of the peace. There were no empty cells in any of the nearest police stations, resulting in him being taken to one about 5 miles away, so I'm guessing he got a long walk home too. Well, how else would he get home with no bus fare? :D

I still haven't got phone insurance. I'm not daft enough to let that happen again. Am I?

Too long?
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 4:37, More)

» Call Centres

If any of you call centre people
cold call a mad old bag who wants to call you by your first name, tells you all her medical history including all about her irritable bowel and how great the menopause has been cos she doesn't get flooding periods anymore, and will buy any old shit you want to sell her whether she needs it or not on the basis that 'oh but xxxx was soooo nice, he/she would NEVER rip me off like that!' then you just rang my mum.

Don't sell her anything though. That's my fucking inheritance you're ripping her off for.

On a couple of occasions while visiting and listening in on cold calls, i've had to take the phone out of her hand and end the call before she wastes any more money. She's not senile or anything, just stupid and naive.
(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 12:21, More)

» Helicopter Parents

inspired by bane of my life's post........
I've done recruiting for an apprenticeship.

There was one 16 yr old rich kid whose dad kept pestering me and pestering me, 'when's the interview?' ummm....what interview, we haven't even done the shortlisting yet...'we might be abroad at our villa in majorca, you'll need to re-arrange my son's interview if it clashes'. The son's work experience on his CV largely consisted of 'working with MY gardener at MY villa in Majorca'. Needless to say when the lad turned up for the (not re-arranged) interview, he was fucking useless, came across as a spoilt brat, totally uncommunicative, who could probably barely wipe his own bumhole after having a dump and there was no way I was going to offer him a place.

And there was another candidate, nice young lad, but borderline as to whether he was suitable. He didn't make the final cut but there were 10 places and when one of the 10 dropped out, I thought it worth recalling this lad to see if we could sort something out for him so asked him back for a further interview. Nothing came of it unfortunately, but for the next month I was bombarded with increasingly abusive emails from his mum saying things like 'I do recruitment, if I behaved in the way you do, I'd be sued blah blah blah....'

Every time she emailed me, I'd reply 'Your son is 22 years old, therefore of an age at which I can only discuss this with him', although this clearly meant fuck all to her. He never got in touch though, too shy I think, probably something to do with having such an overbearing mother.

There were times when I wanted to say to such parents 'you do realise you're doing your son/daughter a MASSIVE fucking disservice by behaving like this, don't you?' But I wasn't allowed :(
(Fri 11th Sep 2009, 11:58, More)

» Call Centres

Ooh, i forgot about when....
....i was working for a small company that was constantly plagued by cold callers offering advertising or an entry in the 10 millionth internet business directory being set up that month.

As i said, it was a small company (we did tree work and landscaping if you're interested) and everyone in the office was expected to answer incoming calls.

There were 2 company directors, both miserable fuckers, one who was usually asked for by name, and at first, not knowing any better i would dutifully forward sales calls onto him in the office next door.

Soon he got pissed off with this and asked me to screen the calls better as 'cold callers are a bunch of cunts who i don't want to waste my fucking time on and you can tell them that!'

So I did. On more than one occasion. Usual conversation would be along the lines of:

Ring! Ring!

Me: good morning/afternoon, *insert company name*
Caller: Hi, could I speak to Mr xxxx please?
Me: could I ask what your call is about?
Caller: well, i'd prefer to discuss that with Mr xxxx
Me: are you selling something? Cos if you are he won't want to speak to you.
Caller: oh well, i'm sure he would, i have a very special deal for him
Me: no. He wouldn't.
Caller: why? This is a great offer i have for him!
Me: no, srsly, he won't.
Caller: why?
Me: cos he thinks cold callers are all cunts who he doesn't waste his fucking time on. Those are his words, he told me to tell you that.

*click* *brrrrrrrr*
(Fri 4th Sep 2009, 15:46, More)

» Lurid Work Stories

I drive trains.
Fatalities are a common occurrence but my depot seems to be cursed with more than our fair share. Like this, this and this just yesterday.

All a bit grim. Not particularly funny I'm afraid but lurid enough for you?

Luckily all I've killed is a wheelie bin.
(Wed 11th Sep 2013, 19:01, More)
[read all their answers]