» Lies that got out of control

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
I'm sure Prague is a wonderful city. I've been, but I can't attest to its potential cultural magnificence, going as I did with around 15 other blokes, most of them (collectively at least) being the type of guys who enjoy 'dancing' in clubs.

Thus is was mostly a process of: sleep most of day - shower in communal bathroom in shitty hostel - slap on cheap aftershave - down cheap beer - roam streets - night club - forrin greasy food - strip club - stagger home in daylight - sleep most of day.

Whilst in the transition period between flithy super-clubs and over-priced stripjoints/brothels, we were constantly being harrassed by what were essentially, pimps.

Trying to get us to go to their strip clubs, or presenting little cards with a variety of sexual services, like a menu. 'Autosexo' is sex, apparently.

To wind them up, we decided to making ludicrous demands of their services, claiming that we wanted to see chicken sex, snake sex, sex with a corpse, all kinds of shit we knew they could never provide. Always they would reply 'Haha no friend, we have normal sex, many beautiful girls for you!'.

However, one day, walking along the same stretch of road, someone says 'Yeah we want midget sex' -

'Yes friend, we have midget sex for you, this way!'

'Haha - wait, really?'

'Yes, pleaase!'

Confused, intruiged, caught out - for whatever reason, we followed that pimp. He bundled us into a limo, which drove us for about 10 minutes to a secret location, which it turned out was 50 meters down the road and about 20 times round the block.

Still thinking this was a joke, we reluctantly paid the extortionate entry fee ('you take our limo - you pay for entry!') under the watchful gaze of some beefy bouncers/con men (we should have legged it), and were ushered through a gigantic strip club to a side room, where our theif/helpful guide proudly displayed a selection of pole-dancing midgets in 'sexy' lingerie.

These tiny strippers were throwing themselves around the poles like tiny, malformed 'Showgirls', thrashing their hair and exposing their crotches.

We had seen scantily-clad pole dancing midgets that we will never unsee. Our lie had gotten out of control.
(Fri 13th Aug 2010, 14:23, More)

» Guilty Laughs

Warning - Nerd story
I used to play *gasp* World of Warcraft. I'm thankfully now cured. For the uninitiated, 'high-end' WoWing requires a lot of teamwork if you want to get all the best stuff. Thus, you generally put your evening in the hands of the other 9 or 24 people who you're playing with. So when someone goes to get a drink, or take a shit or whatever, if they are sufficiently important to the group, everyone else has to wait for them to get back, which is highly boring and inefficient, everyone wants to get on, kill the bosses and get the loot.

So when one of our key players fucked off in the middle of an evening's play, for around an hour without explaination, leaving us all frustrated and stranded, the rest of the group was mightily pissed. 'He'd better have a fucking good reason for this', we fumed over our microphones.

When he finally returned, it was to cries of 'WTF man?' etc.
'My Aunt just died'.

Silence.

Then someone pipes up 'What did she drop?'

Everyone laughed. Surely to Hull with us?
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 9:32, More)

» Crappy relationships

The bitch ran off with my spellbook!
The magic was gone.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2010, 11:04, More)

» What was I thinking?

Those WERE the droids I was looking for..

(Fri 24th Sep 2010, 13:23, More)

» My Arch-nemesis

Rap Attack
There was an unspoken comraderie at university that was equal parts heart-warming and blood-curdlingly infuriating. The 'Indian Massive'. As a mixed-race (or 'dual-heritage' to be ultra PC) English-Indian I straight away acquired a large group of friends through one of my Indian housemates, who all seemed to refer to me as 'blood'. It was rather difficult, in fact to know who anyone actually was, largely because everyone called everyone else 'blood' or 'bruv'. Confusing monikers aside, it was nice to be accepted into a group of people based purely on your heritage (I grew up in a very white area, so seeing so many brown people in one place anywhere outside of my house was a revelation), kind of like reverse racism.

I digress. It was through this group of respectable pharmacy and medical students (what else?) that I met Sav's brother. Sav has informed us that his brother was a 'baaaaaaad martial artist bruv' (in this case, 'baaaaaaad' meaning very, very good) as well as an established 'rap battler'. In the stlye of eminem in the green-filtered and seemingly gramatically incorrectly-titled 8 mile, this gentleman would participate in verbal bouts of musical melee on stage.

Immediately, I disliked him.

When I actually met him one night, Sav came over to me and 2 friends and gestured to the white shell-suited, fully-blinged skinny Indian wearing sunglasses at 10 in the evening standing 10 feet away, resolutely not looking in our direction. "This is my bruv, bruvs'.

I wish, I WISH, that there was some way that I could get down in writing here what happened next. Sav's brother approached my friend Steve, and proceeded to introduce himself via the medium of rap. However, it was less of an introduction, and more of a verbal tirade, waving his gold-ringed fingers in Steve's face with his hands in a 'West-side' position, it was simply staggering to see. The only line I can remember is 'You're a child molester, from Leicester'. Steve is not a peadophile, and he is from Hertfordshire, but there was no way this man could have known anything about any of us. He just rapped insults at us for a good 2 or 3 minutes while we stared on in stunned silence. When he was done, he turned his back and continued to stare at a nearby bush or something.

What manner of human would do such a thing? Everything about him is offensive, I hope a rival wordsman raps him into a humble life of polite greetings and low self-esteem.
(Thu 29th Apr 2010, 15:24, More)