b3ta.com user Speshal
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» Well, that taught 'em

My Brother
Is 2.5 years older than me and one new year's eve he was thought old enough to look after me whilst my folks went to a party at the house next door.

The cheeky fekker enticed my down stairs to look at something outside.

I , being a curious scamp take a gander clad in my jim jams. He promptly locked the door behind me and sttod on the other side of the glass panel taunting me.

Without missing a beat I turned, headbutted the plate glass door and stepped inside, leaving a train of snow and blood up to my bedroom and left him to go next door and pull my folks out of a party and explain why they had no front door and an injured son!

That'll learn him.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 22:15, More)

» Schadenfreude

When I was a wee slip of a lad 10ish, I had my very own 50cc monster that I used to keep at a friend's farm and he and I would scream around like pre-pubescent Evil Kinevles all holidays long.

One balmy summer he had his cousin staying and he was, in short, a complete twathammer and commandeered my mate's bike and set off for what looked like a patch of crusted over mud. Maybe because of the helmet or the exhaust note sounding like demented wasp he didn't hear our warning.

He got halfway across when the crust cracked and he started slowing down as the front wheel sank into the slurry pit he had just ridden into, as his momentum slowed, his balance failed and he went head first into 2 foot of fermenting cow shit. We were pissing ourselves with laughter as he slowly emerged looking like the creature from the shit lagoon, we then made him wade back in to attach a rope to the bike so we could tow it out.

Then to top it off, his aunty made him stand in the farm courtyard in his pants so she could hose him down all the time my mate and I are pissing ourselves so hard that I'm sure I shot vimto out of my nose.
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 12:30, More)

» Vandalism

Not mine but seen on a road sign in Hendon.

"Golders Green - 2.5 Miles"

Underneath some wag had written "to you my boy, 2"
(Sun 10th Oct 2010, 18:50, More)

» Best and worst TV ads

You can kill me now, but I helped produce the Go Compare advert music.

I didn't write (much) of it but I did engineer and master it.

YOU think it's annoying? try spending weeks in a studio with just that on loop.
(Sat 17th Apr 2010, 9:03, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

I've never really taken from the NHS.....
A&E once for a collar bone that I broke quite spectacularly falling off my motorbike as a nipper, the usual dentists etc. (must go again really) but it's always been there when I needed it.

I'm now about to sound like an advert.......

But I do give something back. I have no idea what prompted me to start but about 12 years ago I started to become a blood donor and as I have a fairly rare blood group, B- (about 2% of the UK pop) it's the decent thing to do. I'm also on the organ donor register, I mean FFS if I don't need it you are most welcome to it if it works (this rules out liver, lungs and kidneys tho.)

I reckon they've had had 30-40 pints out of me over the years and I do it just for the biscuits, well that and having 2 pints of Guinness afterwards is a cheap thrill.

If you have an hour spare and are in good health not gay or an intravenous drug user it's well worth doing.

It doesn't hurt (much) and now they have new machines and you can times yourself (personal best for 500Ml is 3mins 28)


(Sat 13th Mar 2010, 1:50, More)
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