» Devastating Put-Downs

"Blue" Comedian
A few years ago I was naive enough to think that I could give stand up comedy a go. I worked up about 5minutes worth of material and took it to the toilet pubs and new comedian nights of Central London.

I soon found myself in the quarter final of a new acts competition. It being only one round after the entry heats it was still an enjoyable mix of experienced acts looking to bag an award and enthusiastic newbies such as myself.

On before me was a portly chap who fell under the newbie description. I'd seen him in the first round, his character was a younger Roy Chubby Brown type, telling rude jokes about vaginas etc. So I knew what to expect.

Sporting a bright blue double breasted suit jacket, he ran on stage, confidently grabbed the mic and pointed to the garment shouting "I'm wearing this tonight ladies and gentlemen, to give you all a clue what my act's about".

The room was completely silent, but he waited expectantly for at least one wily audience member to shout back "it's blue".

Instead one bloke at the back of the room called back the loudest I've ever heard "Is it about Jackets?!"

The whole room erupted into roars of laughter and he never regained his composure for the whole act.
(Fri 25th Nov 2011, 16:44, More)

» Heckles II

Blue Comedian
apologies - I have paraphrased something I've posted before, but it fits here I think.

A few years ago I was in the quarter final of a new stand up comic competition. It being only one round after the entry heats it was still an enjoyable mix of experienced acts looking to win an award and enthusiastic but largely crap try outs such as myself.

On before me was a portly chap who fell under the latter. I'd seen him in the first round, his act was a younger Roy Chubby Brown type, telling rude jokes about vaginas and the like

Sporting a bright blue double breasted suit jacket, he ran on stage, confidently grabbed the mic and pointed to the garment shouting "I'm wearing this tonight ladies and gentlemen, to give you all a clue what my act's about".

He waited expectantly for at least one audience member to shout back "is it blue?".

One bloke at the back of the pub called back loudly "Is it about Jackets?!"

The whole room erupted into roars of laughter and he never regained his composure for the whole act and had to walk off after 3minutes
(Fri 13th Jun 2014, 16:34, More)

» School Projects

Aliens
When I was 12 years old my class was given a term project entitled simply ‘Aliens’. Our homework was to create something around the theme of extra-terrestrials and I wanted to go the whole hog, design my own creature from a distant world and present the final piece as a model of the fantastic monster.

Even though it was a month long assignment I left it til the night before it was due in. I set about bastardising a Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles Plaster of Paris kit; I.e use the turtle figure and then stick antennae, fins and all manner of spacey shite onto it afterwards.

I completely ballsed up the Plaster of Paris mixture. I added far too much water and I had no time to go and get a new kit and start again. Instead of the Lucas Arts collectable figurine I’d envisaged I was left with a bowl of grey lumpy gunge that looked a bit like semolina.

Undeterred by this unmitigated disaster, I simply scraped the substance into a clear plastic bag and tied it in a knot.

Cut to next day in class, I unveiled the bag of crap to teacher on a piece of paper with an arrow pointing towards it with the words “Alien Food” written in huge letters.

It got a Gold Star and was the first thing on the class display every entering parent saw at the very next parent’s evening.

Mugs.
(Wed 19th Aug 2009, 22:06, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Asda Colleagues
I worked at a massive Asda supermarket just outside the centre of Birmingham about 8 years ago. I was on fruit and veg dept with a lad my age (about 22) called Dave. He couldn't tell them time and when I asked him how long he'd known me he hazarded 3years. i'd worked there 6 weeks.

We used to muck him about a lot, in a good natured way. Asda used to have loads of training programs to sign us all up on, you just had to put your name on whatever list they had on the staff room notice board. One day it was a list for an after hours embroidery lesson or something as ridiculous, so we wrote Dave's name down. Cue lots of sniggering and asking Dave why he was doing it? Did he have his own sewing kit? That sort of thing. When suddenly he blurts "It's not even me! That's not how you spell my name!", I looked, it was spelled 'Dave'. So we all went "how the f*ck do you spell your name then Dave?!". And after about 30 seconds hesitation he slowly said "D. I. V"

P.S on same fruit and veg dept, for some reason a female customer asked me if we had any gazebos in stock. Thinking it was a fruit and knowing we definitely didn't have any I went and stood out the back for an obligatory 5minutes pretending to look for one. I then emerged and looked her full in the eye and said that we didn't. We were standing under a gazebo.
(Mon 7th Mar 2011, 21:08, More)

» Professions I Hate

Brands
Those fuckers who work for brands. Mars or Redbull for example.

"Let's diversify! Let's make Mars Planets / Redbull Cola!" Cue 2 years of product development and marketing.

"Let's look at the sales then, oh no Mars Planets / Redbull Cola are/is a commercial flop and has failed to eat into any of the market share of frankly enormous and already established competitors like maltesers / coca cola. Does that mean that the company is going bust and we're all losing our jobs?!

No cos while we've been dicking about, distracted by this guff, we've still sold shed loads of Mars Bars / Redbull like always."

Your day to day work is pointless and the company is better off without you.
(Sat 29th May 2010, 13:37, More)