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» Greed

Food Challenges
Me and my mates used to do "Challenges". Everyone often makes throwaway remarks like "oh i love kitkats, i could eat 100 of them", we decided to start holding people to their word.

This gave birth to the "Cheerios Challenge" which was a pint of milk and a whole box of cheerios, in one sitting. My mate ate the cereal no problem but spewed the milk all over.

The "Fruit Pastel Lolly Challenge" was hilarious, same mate said he loved them and could eat 20....so we bought a few boxes. He started eating them normally while we watched spiderman 2, eventually his tongue turned black and he was just biting them to get them down. He begged 2 of us to eat some for him, and failed after about 14. The next day he said his teeth hurt so bad he couldnt do anything without being in agony. He had to eat toast by tearing tiny squares and placing it on his tongue till it was moist enough to swallow.

(I have to add im shaking with stifled mirth just remembering these)

The greatest challenge which has been attempted is now know as the Filous 50 (or Filous 5-0). The challenge is to eat 50 fromage frais in one sitting. The theory is that each pot is "only a big spoon"....

In practice its the worst thing ive ever tried. I ate about 28 before chucking into a bucket. Some have done worse and a few better. My mates swiss cousin did 40odd apparently. Its the consistancy that defeats you, flavours no longer apply as its just slime you're having to force down. I started off showboating by licking the lids, by the end of it i'd even downgraded to a teaspoon.....

Try it with your friends :D

The moral btw is dont fuck with dairy


I remembered another, the "Nice Biscuit Race". My mate said he could eat a pile of nice biscuits the 'height of a small child'. I offered him a head to head instead, we brewed a vat of tea and set about eating as many as we could. Tea was only for washing down, dunking was not allowed. It finished with my mate a biscuit ahead and he was smashing them with his forehead and picking at the crumbs.... good times.
(Fri 15th Apr 2011, 10:01, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

Wingman Fail
After a pretty normal night in the local, me and my bez are strolling home through the park. Its after 12 and its empty, a nice relaxing wander home, still jabbering on and putting the world to right....

Next thing we know, there is a dark figure approaching from the bushes on an intercept course. Said figure has now brandished some kind of edged weapon and is threatening us, my brain now engages as my friend jumps into action.

Mate instantly steps between us and takes a defensive pose. Im still processing the situation when the figure makes a move at us with a general thrusty motion with his hand and made some kind of demand i couldnt make out.

Next thing I know, a phone is pushed into my hand by my mate. Mate seems to have got it off our assailant and resumes his remonstrations "we dont want bother, etc...".

I think, Fuck You Mystery Stabber and launch his phone over a 10ft burglar grease and barb topped fence onto the old lads' bowling green. That'll learn him, that'll learn him indeed.

We are still edging away and reach the relative safety of the streetlight lit street surrounding the park.

"That was pretty crazy", mate understates. "Have you got my phone?"....
(Fri 25th Mar 2011, 14:43, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

The Big Freeze
Everyone has their snowfail stories from the Great Cold of 2010, mine was more to do with frost though.

I came out of work one night, freezing my ass off and eager to get in the car and get the heating belting. Walks up and presses the fob, door is locked. Shit I think, have I left this unlocked all day?!

But no, I press the fob again and hear the locking mechanism. The door is completly frozen solid. I drive a coupe and the window is held to the rubber seal, not like a usual sturdy door frame.

I figure that yanking the door will probably shatter the window, so move around to the passenger door to climb over. Passy door opens but the lock freezes open so closing the door only makes a bang and it swings open again. I climb over the centre console and manage to push the drivers door gently open. Success! I have broken the frosty seal and im good to go, just got to go shut the other door.....

After much banging and slamming it closes, and isnt going to open again in a rush. So i head round and find I had closed the drivers door when i got out.....fucksocks.

With no other option at hand I decide to climb through the boot, over the back seats and into the drivers seat. Man has conquered nature.

But no, the boot is still open! I climb out and leave door wide open, close boot and the bang causes the door to swing onto the sneck (im parked on a gentle slope)...phew i think at least it didnt close fully. However the Gods were by now pissing themselves as the handle did not open the door as it should.

Back through the boot again.....
(Tue 1st Feb 2011, 11:31, More)

» It's Not What It Looks Like!

Blow Ho Ho
To set the scene; last year me and the fiancee (fiance...? i forget...) were putting up the Christmas tree in the living room. There were little boxes all over the floor that the baubles had came in and she was tidying them up.

So I'm standing with hands on hips, appraising our homage to Santa when the in-laws-to-be's car pulls up unbeknownst to me. She utters something to me so I look down at her, rifling through the assorted carpet flotsam. At this point I hear the door shutting outside and so give a little wave to her parents and sister walking up the path.

The GF kneels up and looks and her mother turns a fair shade of beetroot, her sister is giggling like a loon and her dad is looking bemused.

I assume there has been some joke made in the car and only mention this after they've seen the lights turned on, had a cuppa and buggered off home again.

Now it was her turn to go beetroot at the thought of her mam thinking she was piping me off in the sitting room, whilst I merrily waved to passers by.....
(Fri 10th Dec 2010, 13:19, More)

» The Police II

Was heading throught Leeds/Bradford Airport last thursday morning.
Off on my stag do with 8 mates to Majorca!

Get through the scanners with only a pat down and heading for the police check.

Bloke and woman make small talk with us, "where are you going", "oh, whos the stag", lads all point at me.

Another bit of small talk while they check my passport, copper looks again and says "your passport is out of date you know?"

cold, cold terror..... then I realise its not, i fucking double checked it, but hes deadpan.

Then he smiles and says, "you'll face worse than that off your missus when you get home".

I turn, call him a Bastard with a smile and he smiles. It was a fucking good prank but hes a fucker for scaring me...good show
(Wed 11th May 2011, 15:41, More)
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