Profile for mashman99:
Recently discovered Photoshop hiding in a bush after years of wasting valuable daytime hours ***working*** (gulp).
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- a member for 21 years, 4 months and 12 days
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Recently discovered Photoshop hiding in a bush after years of wasting valuable daytime hours ***working*** (gulp).
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Crap meals out
Never had this before or since.....
.....but was in France (a small town called Perigeux or similar) and sat down in an Italian restaurant. Menus after 30 minutes, first drink after another 20. After two hours, the starters arrived and the evening continued in said fashion.
After 4 hours (and an admittedly very nice pizza and chianti) I asked for the bill. The response?
"F*ck off, you wait like everybody else, English."
Nice. The tip? Don't insult your customers else they might just sh*t on the bog seat on their way out.
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 14:51, More)
Never had this before or since.....
.....but was in France (a small town called Perigeux or similar) and sat down in an Italian restaurant. Menus after 30 minutes, first drink after another 20. After two hours, the starters arrived and the evening continued in said fashion.
After 4 hours (and an admittedly very nice pizza and chianti) I asked for the bill. The response?
"F*ck off, you wait like everybody else, English."
Nice. The tip? Don't insult your customers else they might just sh*t on the bog seat on their way out.
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 14:51, More)
» Jobsworths
Domino's pizza
More of a pedant/robot than a jobsworth but.......
Well, six pints the worse one Friday afternoon, pick up the phone and dial Domino's Macclesfield branch.
Buffoon, for that is what it should read on his name tag, answers....
Buffoon: "Hello Domino's"
Me:" Hello, can I order a cheesey garlic bread and a large pizza with ham, onions and spicy beef?"
Buffoon:"No we're shut."
Me:" Why did you pick up the phone?"
Buffon:"I have to."
Me: "You cock."
I put the phone down and, 10 seconds later the chimp is on the phone again.
Buffoon: "Did you just call me a cock?"
Me: "Yes."
Buffoon: "Why don't you come down here and tell me to my face?"
OK, sez I, the primate not realising I am drinking with Phil the body builder in the Bate Hall, literally 30 seconds stagger from Dominos.
Queue much embaraasment when two six footers turn up and the pus and colour drain from the acne on the little turd's face as we attempt to kick the door in.
Anyway, I would like to apologise to Tony, the manager, who is now a friend of mine, for threatening to disembowel his jobsworth staff. I may have over-reacted slightly, but his twuntish employees had twice previously brought me a pizza which had been transported on it's side so it was concertina-ed and all the toppings had fallen off. And there was hair in one of them.
When challenged, they said it must have been one of my own hairs that had fallen off. As I have short brown hair, I immediately checked to see if any shoulder length ginger ones had mysteriously sprouted from my bonce. F*ck me, I couldn't find a single one. W*nkers.
Domino's Pizza-Anagram for "Sh*t food badly prepared and sloppily served". (In German, maybe?)
(Mon 16th May 2005, 16:15, More)
Domino's pizza
More of a pedant/robot than a jobsworth but.......
Well, six pints the worse one Friday afternoon, pick up the phone and dial Domino's Macclesfield branch.
Buffoon, for that is what it should read on his name tag, answers....
Buffoon: "Hello Domino's"
Me:" Hello, can I order a cheesey garlic bread and a large pizza with ham, onions and spicy beef?"
Buffoon:"No we're shut."
Me:" Why did you pick up the phone?"
Buffon:"I have to."
Me: "You cock."
I put the phone down and, 10 seconds later the chimp is on the phone again.
Buffoon: "Did you just call me a cock?"
Me: "Yes."
Buffoon: "Why don't you come down here and tell me to my face?"
OK, sez I, the primate not realising I am drinking with Phil the body builder in the Bate Hall, literally 30 seconds stagger from Dominos.
Queue much embaraasment when two six footers turn up and the pus and colour drain from the acne on the little turd's face as we attempt to kick the door in.
Anyway, I would like to apologise to Tony, the manager, who is now a friend of mine, for threatening to disembowel his jobsworth staff. I may have over-reacted slightly, but his twuntish employees had twice previously brought me a pizza which had been transported on it's side so it was concertina-ed and all the toppings had fallen off. And there was hair in one of them.
When challenged, they said it must have been one of my own hairs that had fallen off. As I have short brown hair, I immediately checked to see if any shoulder length ginger ones had mysteriously sprouted from my bonce. F*ck me, I couldn't find a single one. W*nkers.
Domino's Pizza-Anagram for "Sh*t food badly prepared and sloppily served". (In German, maybe?)
(Mon 16th May 2005, 16:15, More)
» Petty Sabotage
Bee hatch
Well, my bird, now ex-bird, told me she was leaving. I kind of knew the old "I need some space" tale was a crock as she was already seeing someone else behind my back. She, however, wanted to stay living in my house while she sorted out digs. So, unknown to her, I took to p*ssing in her drinks, wiping my knob-smeg on cutlery she was using as well as her toothbrush, jizzing in her food while she was out of the room, putting jizz in her toothpaste and the ubequitous cleaning my boss-end and rectal areas with her toothbrush.
I also burned random items of her clothing while she was out. And torched the furniture she left behind, which was most satisfying, having rammed the two old lady armchairs FULL of aerosol cans. How my brothers and I laughed as the unemployable midget's furniture rained down on my next door neighbour's washing.
It was all for the best I realise now, as I now have a "real" woman as opposed to a 28 year old with the mentality of a pre-pubescent. Which is nice.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 12:58, More)
Bee hatch
Well, my bird, now ex-bird, told me she was leaving. I kind of knew the old "I need some space" tale was a crock as she was already seeing someone else behind my back. She, however, wanted to stay living in my house while she sorted out digs. So, unknown to her, I took to p*ssing in her drinks, wiping my knob-smeg on cutlery she was using as well as her toothbrush, jizzing in her food while she was out of the room, putting jizz in her toothpaste and the ubequitous cleaning my boss-end and rectal areas with her toothbrush.
I also burned random items of her clothing while she was out. And torched the furniture she left behind, which was most satisfying, having rammed the two old lady armchairs FULL of aerosol cans. How my brothers and I laughed as the unemployable midget's furniture rained down on my next door neighbour's washing.
It was all for the best I realise now, as I now have a "real" woman as opposed to a 28 year old with the mentality of a pre-pubescent. Which is nice.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 12:58, More)
» Airport Stories
Didgeri-dont
Many years ago, backpacking round the world, I was on the leg from Sydney to Mexico, via Los Angeles. Where obviously you can't just transit, you have to get your bags, traipse about have an M16 rifle up yer clunge etc etc. So, there with my tourist tat, a BA Baracus alike, in all seriousness, gets shirty about my didgeridoo. "What is it?" he asks. Now, when I recounted the tale of how it's aboriginal symbolism for a penis, he got shirty. Really shirty, and asked me if it was some kind of weapon. Now, doing the right thing (ie not laughing in the face of this gun-wielding "security" nutter with no brain or sense of humour), I say "No, it's not.The aboriginals didn't use it as a weapon." I then whip out my boomerang. "This, on the other hand, can kill a kangaroo at 100 paces." Our survey said "Er-Er". Wrong answer. Very, very wrong. Having to explain this to someone who'd clearly never ventured out of Buttf*ck, California exactly what it was,why I wasn't winding him up and why a piece of curved timber with "Souvenir of Coogee Bay" is not likely to be classed as WMD is not an easy task after 20 hours in flight and transit.
(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 15:47, More)
Didgeri-dont
Many years ago, backpacking round the world, I was on the leg from Sydney to Mexico, via Los Angeles. Where obviously you can't just transit, you have to get your bags, traipse about have an M16 rifle up yer clunge etc etc. So, there with my tourist tat, a BA Baracus alike, in all seriousness, gets shirty about my didgeridoo. "What is it?" he asks. Now, when I recounted the tale of how it's aboriginal symbolism for a penis, he got shirty. Really shirty, and asked me if it was some kind of weapon. Now, doing the right thing (ie not laughing in the face of this gun-wielding "security" nutter with no brain or sense of humour), I say "No, it's not.The aboriginals didn't use it as a weapon." I then whip out my boomerang. "This, on the other hand, can kill a kangaroo at 100 paces." Our survey said "Er-Er". Wrong answer. Very, very wrong. Having to explain this to someone who'd clearly never ventured out of Buttf*ck, California exactly what it was,why I wasn't winding him up and why a piece of curved timber with "Souvenir of Coogee Bay" is not likely to be classed as WMD is not an easy task after 20 hours in flight and transit.
(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 15:47, More)
» Obscure Memorabilia
Obscure memorabilia-which rocks
I have 5 drum sticks, 9 assorted plectrums and a towel from rock band Deep Purple. My fave thing is the notes the drummer made for himself when the did a concerto at the Albert Hall in September 99. It's three pages long and says stuff like "Wait for boom boom crash then the twiddly, then come in" and stuff like that. Totally unique. Equally pointless ( but still nice) to own.
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 13:06, More)
Obscure memorabilia-which rocks
I have 5 drum sticks, 9 assorted plectrums and a towel from rock band Deep Purple. My fave thing is the notes the drummer made for himself when the did a concerto at the Albert Hall in September 99. It's three pages long and says stuff like "Wait for boom boom crash then the twiddly, then come in" and stuff like that. Totally unique. Equally pointless ( but still nice) to own.
(Thu 4th Nov 2004, 13:06, More)