b3ta.com user chriswakey
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» Scary Neighbours

Living in a flat, we have several 'neighbours'
First is Beryl across the hall, who can be heard loudly 'mewing' to her cat.....the fact she doesn't have a cat doesn't seem to put her off.

Then there's 'shouty bloke' upstairs, who can be heard arguing very loudly at all hours of night and day.
It must only be the voices in his head he shouts at, as there is never another voice to be heard.

'Blind bloke'(he is blind, it's not just a clever nickname) regularly goes to the nearby pub (about 30yd from the front door), get's arseholed, then spends the next couple of hours bouncing off of cars in the car park untill someone finally leads him in the right direction of the flats entrance.
When asked which lift he wanted to get to his floor, (one for even numbered floors, one for odd), and which floor he wants, he'll always answer "Any, doesn't matter"

Finally, we come to 'Crazy Pete' A man who is actually convinced he's Ozzy Osbourne's brother, and will kick the fuck out of you if you so much as hint that you don't also love Ozzy (but don't overdo it, as "no-one loves Ozzy as much as I do", promptly followed by a kicking)
He's around 5'1", has a foot long ginger beard and a bald head covered in Ozzy tattoos and scars....the scars are from where he will bottle himself for no particular reason.
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 14:55, More)

» Scars with history

With the exception of a couple
most of those are just scratches.

Last january, I came off my scooter at 10mph (yes, really).
I was fine, until the scooter landed on my left leg, fragmenting the tibia from my knee (kneecap was split in half, one half went down, the other was discovered in my thigh) to my ankle.

After three weeks in the hospital, I now have a plate running down my leg, twelve pins holding all the splinters together, and a 'tibial pin' running down the middle of my tibia.
Oh, and as they couldn't close the wound afterwards, they had to move my calf muscle round to the front of my leg (strange thing is, I can make it pluse on command)
I can't straighten my leg now, can't walk without crutches, and am registered disabled.

Pics...(click for bigger)

Here's a short clip of the aforementioned pulsing of the leg (390kb .avi)

The pictures were taken a week after the operations, the .avi was 6 months later.
(Sat 5th Feb 2005, 14:50, More)

» Weddings

Went to my brothers wedding recently.
I was only two days out of hospital, after having a shitload of metalwork taken out of my gammy leg.
If that wasn't bad enough, I had an abcess in my left side of my jaw, making me look not unlike John Merrick, and I generally felt like shit.

I struggle through the day, trying hard not to pass out from the pain of my leg and my face, and sweating like a sex offender at a womans shelter.

I think I've just about made it through the ceremony, and was just about to make my excuses and head back to the comfort of painkilling drugs and a nice warm duvet, when we get called outside for photos...

I managed to get to my feet and head outside, where there was a liberal covering of snow everywhere (did I mention, I'm on crutches, can't walk without them, and just love snow and ice..)

I just avoid a large ice patch, only to put my left crutch (the one I rely on most for support) onto a previously unnoticed patch of moss.

Cue one 16st, sweating, facially malformed cripple doing a shit 'Bambie On Ice' impression infront of the entire wedding party.

If the embarresment wasn't bad enough, I fucked my leg up again and had to spend the next two weeks in hospital with bone chips under my kneecap, and septicaemia....

I hate fucking weddings.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 16:32, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

You voluntarily go to watch Shakespeare?

You pretentious cunt.
(Sun 2nd Oct 2005, 11:14, More)