Profile for AngryMonkey:
I write books, situation comedies, articles and humorous emails. I manage time relatively efficiently, I can tread water but distance swimming is a problem due to poor coaching as a boy. I have been able to ride a bike for many years now, a skill that gives me a sense of tremendous well-being but I remain fearful of its awesome power. I am able to play no musical instruments but can recognise 95% of them by sight alone.
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I write books, situation comedies, articles and humorous emails. I manage time relatively efficiently, I can tread water but distance swimming is a problem due to poor coaching as a boy. I have been able to ride a bike for many years now, a skill that gives me a sense of tremendous well-being but I remain fearful of its awesome power. I am able to play no musical instruments but can recognise 95% of them by sight alone.
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» Real-life slapstick
Shitty Tree Woe
When I was a lanky, skinny, ginger, spotty, double-braced, comic obsessed teen, I grew in Newport in South Wales. You can tell that when it was time to notice the opposite sex my body went on strike as it obviously loved only my adolescent fumbling. To try and pay for my expensive taste in Marvel and DC, I got a paper round in the hilly side of town where the big, 'posh' houses were. As I walked home from the hill trek that was my route, I notice the comely shape of a nice young lady, known to me as one of the most admired beauties of the town.
"She hasn't a clue who I am, I'll act cool and say hello," I thought in a uncharacteristically confident manner.
I strode towards her, luminous paper carrier nonchalantly tossed over my shoulder, continually practising my greeting. I secretly hoped that my boldness in striking up a conversation might make her melt at my physical plight and throw herself into transforming me from a (really) ugly duckling into a Prince - 80's MONTAGE STYLE. I began to distractedly think about my montage when all of a sudden she was 10 feet in front of me so I had to say something quickly as I had absent mindedly been staring quite intently at her since the bottom of the street and she looked a little comfortable.
As I began my final approach, T minus 5 feet, I felt my leading heel slip wildly and uncontrollably forward and my trailing knee hit the floor. I imagined it may have looked like I had had a massive Silly Walk fail, however I had actually placed my leading heel in a massive pile of dogshit and slipped forward, causing my trailing knee to hit the floor, before I tried regain balance and mask it as simple a normal part of the way I walk. All thoughts of speaking had vanished as she had stopped and was staring open mouthed at me. Whilst my momentum carried me forward in journey, I looked back over my shoulder, as you do after a trip or fall. I saw the smeared shit on the ground behind, winced inside, turned my head towards her and raise my eyes comically before walking on. Straight into an enormous tree that was on the Avenue that I had delivered papers down not 30 minutes before.
This time I stopped to check I had all my teeth and then blinkingly brushed down my trousers to find out my trailing knee had scooped up a healthy dollop of shit that had now been transferred onto my hand. The girl still stood there with her mouth open, the corners of her mouth beginning to turn into a laugh as hurriedly began my shameful, red faced walk home.
I showed her though, I quit the paper round and made sure I never walked down that road again. No more slippy, shitty laughs for her!
Sorry about the dirty, smelly length of it, it's my first time.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 16:34, More)
Shitty Tree Woe
When I was a lanky, skinny, ginger, spotty, double-braced, comic obsessed teen, I grew in Newport in South Wales. You can tell that when it was time to notice the opposite sex my body went on strike as it obviously loved only my adolescent fumbling. To try and pay for my expensive taste in Marvel and DC, I got a paper round in the hilly side of town where the big, 'posh' houses were. As I walked home from the hill trek that was my route, I notice the comely shape of a nice young lady, known to me as one of the most admired beauties of the town.
"She hasn't a clue who I am, I'll act cool and say hello," I thought in a uncharacteristically confident manner.
I strode towards her, luminous paper carrier nonchalantly tossed over my shoulder, continually practising my greeting. I secretly hoped that my boldness in striking up a conversation might make her melt at my physical plight and throw herself into transforming me from a (really) ugly duckling into a Prince - 80's MONTAGE STYLE. I began to distractedly think about my montage when all of a sudden she was 10 feet in front of me so I had to say something quickly as I had absent mindedly been staring quite intently at her since the bottom of the street and she looked a little comfortable.
As I began my final approach, T minus 5 feet, I felt my leading heel slip wildly and uncontrollably forward and my trailing knee hit the floor. I imagined it may have looked like I had had a massive Silly Walk fail, however I had actually placed my leading heel in a massive pile of dogshit and slipped forward, causing my trailing knee to hit the floor, before I tried regain balance and mask it as simple a normal part of the way I walk. All thoughts of speaking had vanished as she had stopped and was staring open mouthed at me. Whilst my momentum carried me forward in journey, I looked back over my shoulder, as you do after a trip or fall. I saw the smeared shit on the ground behind, winced inside, turned my head towards her and raise my eyes comically before walking on. Straight into an enormous tree that was on the Avenue that I had delivered papers down not 30 minutes before.
This time I stopped to check I had all my teeth and then blinkingly brushed down my trousers to find out my trailing knee had scooped up a healthy dollop of shit that had now been transferred onto my hand. The girl still stood there with her mouth open, the corners of her mouth beginning to turn into a laugh as hurriedly began my shameful, red faced walk home.
I showed her though, I quit the paper round and made sure I never walked down that road again. No more slippy, shitty laughs for her!
Sorry about the dirty, smelly length of it, it's my first time.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 16:34, More)