» Guilty Laughs

dick. love. it. DICK! LOVE! IT!
Midway through a night in bristol as a student, me and a friend went to a cashpoint in the foyer of a bank to pick up some dolla'.
already there was a guy who had obviously had his card swallowed by the machine and was on a courtesy phone trying to sort it out. unfortunately the line was obviously shite and he had to keep repeating his name very slowly and loudly over and over again.
This would not be funny unless you were a bit drunk and the guy was called Dick Lovett.
I would have felt bad for giggling uncontrollably except that is the name of a BMW dealership in brizol so he'll be minted.
(Thu 22nd Jul 2010, 17:55, More)

» Road Trip

My dumbass journey to South Africa
I spent part of my gap yah in SA. To get there I had to fly to Johannesburg (at the time I thought you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany) and then a small connecting flight to a military airbase (hoedspruit) that took a daily civilian flight.

I turned up to Heathrow as an optimistic 18yo with a daysack full of books - all the better to avoid interacting with anybody - and my hold luggage. Unfortunately the check-in girl took one look at my 10kg 'hand luggage' and with minutes to go until check-in close told me that I'd have to check it too, pick up both in Jo'berg and recheck them both back for the 2nd flight. More hassle.

I took everything bar one book, my passport and wallet out then said goodbye to both hand luggage and main luggage for the next 9 hours. IMMEDIATELY on the plane the chap in front of me (a kaffir as I would later learn to describe them Boer-style) put his seat 110% back so my view of the headtop tv was monochrome unless I slouched into a boomerang shape no chiropractor would recommend (actually I guess they would for the trade). A couple of seats over from me a guy complained of something dripping from the overhead compartment (this turned out to be raw meat someone had brought as hand luggage) but was hushed by the cabin staff and a baby gently (massively) wailed.

I arrived in Jo'burg to find neither my daysack or main luggage appeared on the carousel (as I was later to find they had safely made their transfer to the next flight to Hoedspruit). bummer. given my daysack had my ticket for the second leg of the journey I was not a little fucked.
As a scared lanky teenager I found the south african airways desk and they could not have been more helpful (for 'helpful' write 'FUCK YOU' twenty times instead).

Eventually I (my mother back in England) persuaded SA airway that it was their fault I was a dumbass and sent my ticket onwards without me, and to put me up for the night and provided a ticket for the next daily flight to the military airbase.

I spent the next 24hrs in a 4* hotel watching infomercials (this was 2001 - I'd never seen 30mins dedicated to an inversion table) then travelled back to the airport (which was rough as Venusville from Total Recall but without the 3-titted hookers), got through security and sat in departures scouring the board for my flight. And scouring. And searching. By 10mins past the departure time I was worried and found someone who told me that as it was a tiny flight one had to go and wait by the exact gate and in any case I had missed it.

I then went backwards through security (hopefully for the last time in my life) to find friendly Mrs SA airways who ('FUCK YOU') eventually sorted the next day's flight to Hoedspruit though this time I had to pay. And pay for the downmarket hotel in which I sat literally under the sheets for the next 24hrs terrified of being carjacked (that's what happened in SA wasn't it? in car or out?) not eating until I then went back to Venusville.

Got through security, welded myself to the correct gate and finally got on the right plane. Landed in Hoedspruit and the poor guy who'd driven 45mins to the airport the last 2 days said "Where you been? you're luggage got here 2 days ago."
(Thu 21st Jul 2011, 0:17, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

Did you hear about the tired and anxious shepherd?
He'd had a sheepless night.
(Wed 9th Oct 2024, 13:11, More)

» Losing it

When I pull into the carpark at work
and realise I meant to go to the shops.
(Fri 22nd Jul 2011, 15:31, More)

» Bizarre habits

but not when my gf's in the car
When i come down the slip road to join the motorway I often find myself saying 'increase to attack speed' like off of starwars as I wind up to 80mph in my mighty 1.4L hatchback.
I also have to eat my veg before the rest of my meal to 'get it out of the way'.
also after I beat up Mr T I have to have amazing sex with half a dozen really HOT nymphos (added to compensate my manliness for the veg comment).
(Mon 5th Jul 2010, 19:00, More)