» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Nick Riviera... Calling Dr Nick Riviera...
Way back in time, 15 years ago, I had gone back to Uni in Leeds early as I was doing a year out in industry as part of my sandwich degree. It was a warm summer as I remember it, and I seemed to be drinking a lot of water, like a litre or two every half hour, putting it down to the heat. Then I felt weak as a kitten and was shitting bullets so thought I'd better go and see my GP. I told them my symptoms, they took some blood and asked me to come back in the next day.

I went into the GP's office and had the following exchange, all the time him writing some notes into my folder and not even glancing up at me..

"Well Mr DeadEye, your tests are back, and it looks like you have diabetes"

"Oh. (pause) Er, what does that mean? Does that mean I will have to inject myself?"

(Now at this point I should point out I was pretty ignorant about diabetes at the time apart from the fact I had had a friend who had it. Not only was she a massive pain in the arse about it, passing out all the time and being generally sweaty, ruining a holiday in Ibiza.. I digress... But I knew it involved her acting like a human pin cushion. At the time I was so scared of needles that I wouldn't even have an anaesthetic at the dentists, I would rather put up with the pain than the needle)

"Yes, I'm afraid so" replies the Doc.

"Er, well I don't think I'm going to be able to do that.."

Of course I'm naively expecting him to say something along the lines of "Well it's a good thing we've got this miracle cure pill", but alas no.

Without missing a beat or looking up from his notes he replied

"Well, looks like you're going to die then doesn't it?"



Length? About 5mm four times a day, but it's only a small prick.
(Tue 16th Mar 2010, 14:59, More)

» Narrow Escapes

Antiparos
I've been wracking my brains trying to think what my true answer to this would be (there is, after all, the time I set fire to myself..) and it's just come to me in a life-flashing-before-your-eyes sort of way.

About 15 years ago I went to 'do' the Greek islands with my mate, but was fortunate enough to get talking to a beautiful girl by the luggage carousel in Athens airport, and she chose to tag along with us. By the end of the first night it was obvious that we would be together for a while (which we were). Dave, my mate at the time (last seen doing 'the knowledge' in '98, bless him) put up with this pretty well and we all had a good laugh travelling together.

A few days later she had some friends she wanted to meet on Antiparos, and we were staying on neighbouring Paros. So we got the boat over one morning and met them all. After a while Zoe (for that was her name) suggested that we took a long walk hand in hand round the bay. Lovely.

So about 40 minutes later, we got to the other side of the bay (you know what a bay looks like, but for the hard-of-imagined, think of it shaped like a crescent). Spent some tender moments together, then she suggests that insteading of walking back to the others at the beginning of the bay, we take the direct 'crows fly' route and swim back across, saving precious holiday time.

I am not a good swimmer, and vast expanses of water are my personal 'thing',
but the sex had been so good I really couldn't say to her at that point 'Er, no, you carry on love, I'll find a taxi' without having to take a massive hit in the manliness stakes.

Seriously, I have trouble having a bath.

So we both dived in. My first mistake was being too energetic with a front crawl meant to impress (imagine Ian Curtis without his meds in a municipal pool) but I soon tired of this. Peeking up out of the water for the first time since the dive in, I realised that the net distance of about 20m had taken a minute, and there was still a long way to go. Some nice easy breaststroke (fnarr) for a bit, and there's some progress made, and we get to the midway point, at which point all my energy has gone, coupled with a slight current pulling us off course thats not helping either. I flipped on my back and started sculling just to conserve energy, but panic had started to set in a little bit, and there was no touching the bottom of the seabed. I tried vey hard to keep cool, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it showed that I was cacking it.

I think I can safely say that's the only time my life has really ever flashed in front of my eyes. Of course I made it back in the end, half dead, snot over my face, and then threw up in front of her and her mates on the beach.

Still we were together four years after that, so it wasn't all bad.

_{(Click if you'd like to hear how randomly I set myself on fire....)}
(Thu 19th Aug 2010, 22:15, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Yes this really happened
Long time lurker, first time poster....

I live in a third floor flat, which means no balcony and certainly no back garden to speak of. Fortunately though, just outside my bathroom window there is a large(ish) flat roof which is a nice little sun trap in the summer months. Climb in bath, open window, hoik yourself up a few feet and out, job done.

One day several years ago I decided on a lovely sunny Saturday morning to go out there to have a bit of a toke and a light snack. After finishing my banana I threw the skin in through the window back into the bathroom trying to hit the bin. Anyways, about an hour later with my head feeling like a helium balloon I decide it's time to find some chocolate. As you do.

I lowered myself back into the bath but the wind blew the window in at that exact moment, just catching me enough to wrong foot me in the tub so I lost my balance. This wouldn't have been so bad, I'm fairly light on my feet, so I neatly hop out of the bath.... and onto the banana skin I had tossed there previously. I skidded on this, the most slapstick of all of the fruits and crash down between the bath and the loo, breaking the toilet seat (in half!) with my chest. Laid there for half an hour wondering if I was dead or alive, it hurt that much. Broken ribs for next 6 weeks...
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 13:36, More)

» Cars

Loads of car mishaps
But my most memorable was at the M25/A1 roundabout junction back in 97. I'd just graduated and was a little ned in my Nova SR, sunglasses on, shirt and tie on my way to work. Feelin' cool, but probably looking like a right twunt.

Pulled up at the lights on the roundabout, and noticed a couple of fine looking fillies in a car next to me. They smiled at me, and I delivered my most devastatingly cheesy 'helllllooooo ladies' smile right back at them.

They accelerated, I accelerated (still projecting the grin of smarm at them) right into the car still stopped right in front of me. I could just see them throwing their heads back in absolute fits as they drove away.

Yes, I managed to accelerate into a car, after having already succesfully stopped behind it.

It still makes me feel about 1 inch tall thinking about it.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2010, 13:15, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

And (cup) finally..
An example of my own ignorance.

Years ago, back in 93 I was going out with a lovely girl (let's call her Natasha) whose Dad happened to be a massive Gooner - so much so he had three season tickets. On the day of the Coca Cola cup final
(vs Sheffield Wednesday) he had a spare going and I was asked if I would like to join them. Great, I had only ever been to one footie game in my life (Barnet when I was 6 since you ask) and the chance to go to a cup final was hard to resist, no matter who was playing.

Quite a dull opening half, as I remember it. The half time whistle blew. Natasha says to me - 'Right get your stuff we have to move now'.

Eh? She explained - 'Well you know at half times the team change ends? Well, we have to as well'. She'd been to a few matches in her time so I picked up my bag, jacket and started to head to the exit.

Oh how she laughed at me. Cow.

Length? 45 minutes each way with extra time.
(Mon 22nd Mar 2010, 16:43, More)