» Real-life slapstick

my life is a load of cringeworthy situations with worky bits in between
to say i am a real life bridget jones would be an understatement.I often 'fuck up' and make 'a boo boo' on a day to day basis. one time that came to my head upon reading the title of this weeks QOTW was when I tried my hand at impressing the new and very sexy member of staff that joined our ward at the hospital where i worked. I purposely wasted my make up on going into work one day, and put my slightly tighter uniform on, in the hope he would come and drop off a patient to me that day.

He did.. He came to my desk (my heart starts doing 500 beats per minute) and for a split second i still recon he looked at me and thought ''she looks alright today''.. So i manage to maintain my professionality through listening about the patient were discussing, until.. for whatever fucking reason, i start telling him about a demented loud twat of a patient we had in earlier who had been pissing all over the floor, generally being a pain in the fucking ass (through no demented fault of his own of course).. so i was going through telling him the funny things said patient had been getting up to whilst casually flicking my hair, chewing my pen when he spoke back, you know, acting like a teenager talking to a crush..

It was a good conversation actually.. until about 10 minutes in he decides to tell me that the pen i have been sucking on while we spoke was leaking ink all over my fucking face. I ran to the patient toilet and basically my face was more fucking blue than it was face coloured... and my teeth, and my ear, ALL OVER MY FUCKING FACE.. fucing mortified. and to make matters worse, my failed attempots of using alco wipes to get the shit off wasnt good enough, and when he came in with another patient 2 hours later my teeth and gums were still fucking blue.

But to be honest this is nothing. I once fell head first in to an oven after hitting my ass on the kitchen bin infront of about 5 people..my nose went through a metal tray of chips (that were ready to come out btw) and when i did get my head out of the shitting oven i had hot fat in a perfect circle on the tip of my nose.

I once tried to impress a aload of firemen who were stopped at a red light in their fire truck by deciding (for whatever fucking reason) i would leapfrog over a bollard.. gave it ago.. forgot i had a skirt on.. queue bollard coming straight towards my face.. I was stuck, by my skirt, upsideown with my face at the bottom of a fucking bollard. one of them kindly got out of his truck and un-hooked me.

The stories i have are fucking endless. I hate my life.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 19:30, More)

» Bodge Jobs

hair-DIY
when i was about 15, i had a bit of a hair dye incident where i basically got dark brown hair dye over a large section of the brand new bathroom tiles..

i thought it would be ok as i tried to wash it off with some bleach and a cloth..but it wasnt OK, it was bad, very bad, and my mother was going to be angry, very angry.

although the dye came of the shiny green and blue tiles, the grouting was fucked. i mean there was no hiding that nearly half the bathroom now had a new black outline, and mum was due home in about 2 hours.

PANIC, FUCKING PANIC. after trying to bleach it off with all sorts of shit, oven foam, window cleaner, toilet duck i resided to the fact that it was not going to come off and id be better either moving in with my nan, or somehow hiding the evidence.

toothpaste.
it makes excellent grouting.
she sold the house about 2 years later, with the toothpaste grouting still in place and is still none the wiser about it.

remeber that one. it worked a fucking treat.
(Mon 14th Mar 2011, 9:39, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

bad postman
I once stumbled into my house at about 5am one Saturday morning so utterly drunk fucked that I literally could not make it to my bedroom.
So I shut the front door behind me and passed out in the hallway with my head using the inside doormat as a pillow.

Fast forward about 3 hours and the postman delivered me a book from amazon... Which landed on my macara fucked, door matt dimpled man face and woke me immediately the fuck up..

I bet the postman didn't even realise that some dumb bint was the other side of the front door trying to be quiet as poss as he checked his bag for my other letters.

THANK FUCK.

I still laid there for a good 45 minutes more before finally taking my shoes off and moving to the sofa.
(Mon 31st Jan 2011, 23:55, More)

» Sticking it to The Man

...ave it
i genuinely once got fired and marched out by my boss whilst he was wearing a sign on his back that I had stuck there saying ''I AM A TWAT"

One of my biggest regrets in life was not being around when he realised.
(Thu 17th Jun 2010, 22:14, More)

» Caught!

caught.. as in stuck in..
I got to the tube yesterday morning and could just hear my metro line pulling in to the station.. i ran through the barriers, down the steps and Jumped on the first carriage just as that BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP of the doors closing started... trapping my handbag one side of the door, and with the strap wrapped tightly round my fucking elbow.

WHY WHY WHY ME?? Unfortunately for the rat race of London, I had my Ipod in with rival schools blaring and after the doors shut i just stood their shouting ''FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK'' concentrating more on my bag being on the outside of the moving train, than the volume of my swearing. And you know what they're like, everyone just deadly looked up like ''what a fucking peasant stuck in a door'' one guy did try and claw it open but it was a bit pointless really.

yeah.. YOU THINK THEY OPEN WHEN SOMETHING IS STUCK IN THEM.. well let me tell you first hand they obviously dont when the ting stuck in them is half a cm's worth of leather and not a person.

Make matters worse.. I was due to get off at kings cross and the fucking tube did that shit thing where the doors on the otherside open.. for two more stops than i cared to go.

Caught in a tube door. ITS SO HARD BEING ME, i genuinely think i deserve to win the lottery.
(Sun 6th Jun 2010, 21:20, More)