» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

Poo annoyance

When Mr DBS is on the toilet, I like to stand just outside the door sounding worried and alarmed saying things like: "What was that noise? ...Are you ok? ...WHAT WAS THAT JUST THEN? ...Did you hear that? ...Is everything alright in there?"

This absoutely enrages him, because apparently I 'ruin a good poo' and he 'can't go'.
(Thu 16th Jun 2011, 15:54, More)

» Conversation Killers

Bagpipes
At the funeral of a Scottish friend. My mate, in a loud voice, on walking past the lone bagpiper stood in full kilt and sporran playing a mournful tune as the congregation file in behind the coffin:

"Fucking buskers. THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE."
(Mon 16th May 2011, 16:33, More)

» Conspicuous Consumption

Jimmyjam cruisin'

A few years ago my brother's rather swish job took him to California for a year. I flew over budget airline style from the UK to visit him, arriving late that evening. The next morning slightly delirious with jetlag, I insisted my brother, ready for work in his expensive European suit and designer shades, drive me around Beverly Hills for an hour in his fancy top of the range company soft-top beamer before he went to work, whilst I sat in the passenger seat attempting to look stylishly cool and nonchalant. In my Primark sunglasses and Snoopy pyjamas.
(Thu 28th Jul 2011, 15:39, More)

» Losing it

Absentminded cross dressing

I was sat in my parents' kitchen one day, when my dad strode in purposefully and stopped to pop the kettle on - whereby his trousers promptly fell down around his ankles.

He tutted and rolled his eyes as it suddenly hit him:

"I've put your mother's jeans on again."

...And in one swift movement pulled them up and strode back out. I'm not sure whether it was the use of the rather telling word "again", or the fact that my mum is about a foot shorter than my dad, which makes it more baffling.
(Thu 21st Jul 2011, 16:09, More)

» Famous people I hate

Richard Blackwood
Richard Blackwood. The artist behind such smashhits as '1, 2, 3, 4 Get with the Wicked', who bills himself as a "stand up comedian".

I once watched him comment that the greatest meeting of two comedy minds coming together would be him and Eddie Murphy in a room together as he knew they would just "bounce off" eachother and the comedy would flow.

He also claimed the comedy circuit was racist, accounting for his distinct lack of fanbase - white, black or otherwise.

"A man who can list on his CV - rapper, comedian, presenter, actor, writer – all after the word 'failed'. Superstar fantasist Richard Blackwood. Or as I think of him, Won't Smith." ( - Mark Lamarr off of Nevermind the Buzzcocks)

Click "I like this" if you've ever sniffed a keyboard and claimed it made you feel suggestable, on a certain Chris Morris satirical news documentary.
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 14:02, More)