» Shops and Supermarkets

tesco direct. what? it's still a supermarket!
i'd used the tesco website a couple of times before, so i was confident i could get pretty much everything i needed using the online delivery service.
i don't know exactly how it happened, whether it was some computer glitch, or more likely, i just brain spazzed and thought i'd ordered everything i needed to see me through the week.
nothing more, nothing less.
anyway, the following day, my allotted time came and the delivery van arrived.
i opened the door expecting to see a small tower of the those plastic boxes stacked up by the door, but was met with a grinning driver, holding a small paper bag.

the bag contained one single, solitary, mushroom

i'm sure somebody saw my order and went out of their way to find the single finest specimen of mushroom, as it was absolutely perfect. perfectly proportioned, shaped, and not a blemish on it.

it wasn't enough to make a spag bol though
(Fri 11th May 2012, 2:53, More)

» My Arch-nemesis

My arch nemesis lives with us.
When he first moved in he used to just sit around all day sleeping and demanding I get him food when he woke, like I was his fucking servant. I put up with it because my wife thought he was the bees knees. He was ok, some of the time, I guess.

He seemed to have some kind of post traumatic syndrome too. I don’t think he’s been in any wars or anything as he seems too young, but anyway, this manifested with him waking in the middle of the night screaming for no apprarent reason.

The thing that bothers me most about him is that he’s sleeping with my wife. I woke one night to find my wife was out of bed, I thought she had gone to the toilet, as she seems to have pee (‘scuse pun) sized bladder, but alas no. I went to the spare room and found her lying there, the two of them embraced.

She never mentioned it the next morning.

I thought it was a one off, but I’ve come to realise it happens on a fairly regular basis.

Bastard!
(Thu 29th Apr 2010, 13:43, More)

» Bodge Jobs

Chaos Theory
I think I was about 14 at he time when there was a bit of a mini craze for CB radios in my school, in that I knew about about 5 other people that had them, so I thought I should get one too. The problem was they were quite expensive and I had very little money.
However, fortune shone on me one day when I heard a guy in one of my classes was selling one for £5 or £10, which if I just scrounged cigs behind the bike sheds, rather than buying them, I could probably scrape together in short order

It turns out that he was selling it cheap as he didn’t have the ac adaptor for it, so it sat around in my room while he was supposedly searching for it. I got tired of waiting for him to find it, so in a moment of what can only be desribed as pure genius, I decided to wire it directly to a plug, sans adaptor, figuring that if I didn’t work, or on the slight chance that I blew it up, I could return it, saying it was useless without the adaptor.

You’re probably thinking, I know how this is going to end and/or what a silly twat, but wait, it gets better.

Already resigned to the fact that it wouldn’t work but forging ahead anyway, I figured I’d save myself the very few seconds it would’ve taken me to screw the back of the plug on, because I was only going to have to take it back off again, so I left it off.

I should mention that the power sockets in my room didn’t have switches, so they were always live. So, when the fateful moment came when I pushed the plug into the socket, the palm of my hand touching pretty much everything inside the plug, I was met by a big blue flash, quite a sizeable bang and a pain in my arm never experienced before. I’m not sure how far I was thrown, but given the size of my room, it couldn’t have been far.

The pain, disorientation and the fact that my watch was showing a few minutes later had me convinced I had discovered the secrets of time travel.
Despite this knowledge I never persued quantum physics, worm holes and chaos theory, deciding it was best to leave that to the “other” men in white coats.

I’m pretty sure I havn’t done anything that stupid since, but I’m sure I’ve come close.
(Fri 11th Mar 2011, 0:08, More)

» Dodgy work ethics

Let's see how they like it
I sent bailiffs into Lloyds Bank one luch time, to recover oustanding rent, in central london.
They were not very happy
(Fri 8th Jul 2011, 9:57, More)

» Breasts

Chicken Breasts
I was 15, if I remember correctly. It was the last week of the school year and for some reason, I don’t know why, the teachers decided to put on a school play for the kids.
I don’t remember much about the play, though I’m sure it was embarrasing for all involved and all that saw.

Not as embarrasing as it was for our Maths teacher, however. Ms Dunkley, she was dressed as chicken, again, no idea why.

Having survived the first half of boredom and embarrasment we were forced to endure the second. When the chicken came back on stage for second half, the front of the suit was unzipped and completely open. On display for the whole school to see was Ms Dunkley’s quite magnificient boobs.


Such as shame she was a bitch
(Thu 6th May 2010, 18:56, More)